Mario Balotelli

Justin Boswick presents his best-selling guide for 'footballers who fall foul of the bib'
Photograph: Photomontage

David Hindle takes Mario under his wing. 'Patience Mario-san. First you must master the bib, only then will I reveal the true art of the knotted tie'
Photograph: Photomontage

Koichiro Yamamura kindly designs a user-friendly bib after hearing of our protagonist's struggles
Photograph: Photomontage

'I could write something funny here, but really I just want to know if I will snigger, giggle, chortle, chirp, guffaw or simply announce this comment,' harrumphs SL Jones
Photograph: Photomontage

Gary Hulmes is a Bullseye fan: 'Balotelli was probably holding out for the caravan holiday in North Wales'
Photograph: Photomontage

Angel Moreno has been playing the fruit machines. 'Mancini's gamble on Balotelli went horribly wrong'
Photograph: Photomontage

'Balotelli and Mancini – the newest comedy act in town,' trumps Hugh Garrett. It's all in the timing
Photograph: Photomontage

Marshall Walker reckons poor Mario could do with a bit of help. 'Coach! This snood is way too tight and do you really expect me to squeeze my legs through the tiny holes in these shorts?'
Photograph: Photomontage

'I think that my daughter, to be born in a couple of weeks, will be better behaved than Mario,' declares Bruce Cooper. 'I just hope I have the patience of Mancini'
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Tom Freer has gone down the Gladiator route with 'Mario's Exodus Mancinius'
Photograph: Photomontage

Jason Froggett is out of ideas. 'This is my second Jack Nicholson-themed entry in two weeks – think I’m going see how long I can stretch this one out'
Photograph: Photomontage

Gary Hulmes deliberately misinterprets Mario's allergy to grass
Photograph: Photomontage

Adam Harvey thinks the future is bright. 'Balotelli's no-grass, no-bibs approach could prove the turning point for City's season'
Photograph: Photomontage

Tracey Reed sees box office gold. 'Nine games to go, only one Champions League spot. The loser is ... Condemned!'
Photograph: Photomontage

Gary Ellis has gone all Life of Brian with his entry
Photograph: Photomontage

Bryan Algar has been in his tactics truck and has decided that 'Mario is playing in the wrong hole'
Photograph: Photomontage