FRIDAY NIGHT BLIGHTS
Well, you can’t say they didn’t warn us. “The Scotland fixture really does excite people. It’s the fixture which will capture the imagination,” roared Mr Roy back when the draw was made last July. “It’s a very fierce rivalry with Scotland and that’s good.” Gordon Strachan beamed that “the whole of Scotland and England will look forward to the games”. Well look forward no more. Or at least hardly any more. Fully 475 days after the nations’ names were plucked out of their respective hats, it’s matchday.
Brace yourselves, Britain. This is big. “We all know how big the game is,” bloated Harry Kane. Well, he might, but readers based abroad, ignorant perhaps of the unique social, political and historical significance of this special day, may need some assistance to understand precisely how gargantuan this fixture is. And The Fiver, as ever, is here to help. We’ve scavenged the best pre-match interviews – which may not be much but is as close as we get to proper reporting – to let the experts reveal Friday night’s full significance. “It’s a huge game, we can’t beat about the bush on this one. This is so big and so great,” whoops Strachan. “It’s very, very special,” blooters England’s stand-in dugout-warmer Gareth Southgate. “It’s a bit of history, a game people might remember for years to come. Without a shadow of doubt games like this are the reason I’m involved in the game. That’s the beauty of football, to be involved in big matches.” That’s right, England v Scotland is the beauty of football. Let that sink in for a moment. But that’s not all, oh no.
Strachan’s captain, Darren Fletcher, called it “a monumental moment and one I am looking forward to and excited about and relishing”, before adding: “It doesn’t get much bigger than this – there will be a little more fire in the belly.” Jordan Henderson, who will be lining up against him in midfield, said “it is a massive game”, revealing that “if you look at the history of the fixture, it’s not a normal game”. Jack Wilshere was a lone dissenting voice, saying only that “it’s a big game”. Piffle, said Scotland’s Barry Bannan, who became captain of Team Massive by insisting it “is a massive game” and that victory “would be a massive boost” (adding that Scott Brown’s return will also “be a massive boost” because “he’s a massive player”). Other members of Team Massive include potential England debutant Michael Keane (“It’s a massive fixture” and “a big game”), Scotland’s David Marshall (“It’s a massive occasion”) and his team-mate Ikechi Anya (“It’s a massive game for us”). Former Scotland captain Paul Lambert says “it’s a huge game for Scotland and equally so for England”, while former future England manager Brendan Rodgers reckons “it will be a big game and I’m looking forward to it”.
Aren’t we all. Reader, savour this moment. There are only a matter of minutes remaining in which we can bask in the sheer wonder of the elephantine encounter that towers mightily ahead of us. Because once it kicks off we’ll be forced to face up to the manifest averageatbestness of the two sides, and then in 580 days’ time the 2018 World Cup will kick off, one of these teams will be knocked out in the group stage, the other won’t be there at all, and we’ll have to come to terms with the fact that the game was pretty much irrelevant all along.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I was always confident that this would be the case as there was no evidence against me” – a criminal inquiry has been opened into a single suspected case of bribery following the investigation into alleged corruption in football. But it’s not against Sam Allardyce.
BLOODY HELL, IT’S A SECOND STORY
As USA! USA!! USA!!! basks in the orange glow of its new status as The Country That Jiggered Itself Even More Thoroughly Than Brexit Britain, attention now turns to see if its football/soccer/it’s called football because it’s played with your feet/soccer was actually its original name/there are too many breaks in NFL/yeah, well baseball is just rounders/FOOTBALL, LET’S JUST CALL IT FOOTBALL team can restore some national pride with an epic victory in Friday night’s World Cup qualifier.
Yup, the country can forget all about the deeply racist rhetoric that has spewed from the day-glo maw of its president-elect as Jürgen Klinsmann’s team face [Fiver checks the fixture list] … Mexico. Ah. But fear not, because Klinsmann reckons everything is going to be just fine. “Football worldwide connects people … it’s purely a sporting event,” he hurrahed, suggesting he may have missed that weekend in Marseille.
Still whatever happens off the pitch, it should be a cracker on it. The game will be played at Columbus Crew’s Mapfre Stadium, a venue at which USA! USA!! USA!!! have never lost to Mexico. Or anyone else, come to think of it. American hopes are embodied by Christian “The New Freddy Adu But Actually Good” Pulisic while Mexico have become more organised – if a little less passionate than they were under Miguel Herrera – under the leadership of Juan Carlos Osorio (if we forget about the 7-0 smacking against Chile last summer). USA! USA!! USA!!! may want to win this one anyway: it’s going to be a long and tiring away trip if they have to climb over that wall. Speaking of which …
FIVER LETTERS
“So, Tim Howard wants to keep the politics out of the USA! USA!! USA!!! v Mexico match (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). So what does he do if Mexico get a free-kick on the edge of the box, then?” – Dale Sellers.
“At Swindon Town we’ve seen several big-name directors of football over the years: Ossie Ardiles, Glenn Hoddle, Paolo Di Canio, Maurice Malpas. But none of these would even get close to licking the boots of our new hero, Tactics Tim (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) … Big Cup veteran, winner of the 2012-13 U21 Premier League – Group 2, and true visionary of the game. With his tactical nous and keen eye for fashion, this season I expect nothing less than promotion, an inaugural Golden Gilet award, and a County Ground touchline littered with the endless reams of flipped pages. And for those cynics who think this appointment has anything to do with Tim once being Swindon chairman Lee Power’s housemate and best man – who’s the headmaster now?” – James Hunter.
“Can I be one of 1,057 to express my shock and heartbreak that The Fiver has a sub-editor (yesterday’s Fiver)? Imagine how bad their 2016 is going?” – Sam Easterbrook (and no others).
“Can I be the 1,057th pedant to point out that Norfolk canal boats are not particularly narrow (yesterday’s Fiver); narrowboats ply their trade on other parts of inland waterways network, such as the Grand Union Canal, which runs roughly along the line of the M1 motorway from London north-westwards towards Rugby, then Birmingham. Norfolk rivers such as those that link the Norfolk Broads are wider than most canals and do not have locks which are even narrower than the canals which do have locks; if The Fiver’s mind was as narrow as a narrowboat it would be as narrow as a narrow thing on a very narrow day” – Peter Dymoke (and 1,056 others).
“Never pass up a chance to watch Alan explain – ‘I’m under a cow’” – Hugh Fordham.
“Re: The Donald’s favourite English football team (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Hmm … He’s very rich but has also been very indebted, his detractors would have anyone but him, his loud verbal rants are memorable and he thinks the whole world is against him, yet he has enjoyed notable success. I wonder why Lord Ferg and his Manchester United tenure spring to mind” – Diego García.
“Trump seems too fickle and opportunistic to commit to a particular team. Instead he’ll just claim to support whoever wins the league that season, brazenly denying ever having followed anyone else. So, at the moment, it’ll be Leicester. Quite fitting I suppose, matching Trump’s own story as an underdog to win against the odds. Of course, a better reflection of his character would see him down at Glanford Park cheering on Firewall FC” – David Wall.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Hugh Fordham, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
SUPPORT THE GUARDIAN
Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism – the stuff not normally found in this email – is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us by making a one-off or recurring contribution.
BITS AND BOBS
Argentina are stewing over their 3-0 shellacking at the hands of Brazil. “We are more than aware that we have to change a lot,” sniffed Lionel Messi. “We can’t be giving away any more points.”
Wales boss Chris Coleman can’t hide how chuffed he’s feeling about the return of Aaron Ramsey against Serbia. “There’s not a team on the planet he couldn’t play for when he’s at his best,” whooped Coleman. “That’s not a biased opinion because I’m a Welshman and we all love Rambo. I’m looking at it clinically. He could play for anyone.”
Manchester City still think Claudio Bravo and Vincent Kompany will be available for next weekend’s trip to Crystal Palace despite both getting knacked on international duty.
Albanian police say they’ve taken extreme steps to secure Saturday’s World Cup qualifier between Albania and Israel. “Sincerely, I don’t think that is a bad advertisement for Albania, on the contrary,” tooted Israeli ambassador Boaz Rodkin.
And Nathalie Boy de la Tour is the first female French Professional League president after Raymond Domenech’s candidacy was snubbed by the general assembly.
STILL WANT MORE?
Carlisle United are on the up and up, reports Louise Taylor, and Keith Curle’s tough love is a big reason why.
Joey Barton is one of the worst signings in Scottish fitba’s modern era, reckons Ewan Murray, and the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers should have seen it coming.
Ewan is back with more positive Scottish football vibes: on why the Gordon Strachan-Scott Brown double act is unlikely to end well.
Get ready for an incredibly awkward encounter in Colombus, writes Graham Parker.
Gareth Southgate’s flirtation with the full-time England manager role adds a bit of spice to the chicken korma that is England v Scotland, writes Daniel Taylor in not so few words.
Are Barcelona about to sign Stoke’s Glen Johnson? Well … The Rumour Mill ponders.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
