THE SHOCK OF GIBRALTAR
After spending time as manager of Liverpoolfootballclub Football Club, there was only ever one job big enough to accommodate Brendan Rodgers and his congenital hatred of travelling from one place to another enjoying his own company: the Queen’s Celtic. “I had opportunities to stick down south in the Premier League or go abroad,” he declared, because who wasn’t wondering, “but after [club suit] Peter [Lawwell] called me once Ronny [Deila]’s announcement had been made, out of respect, I spoke to him and when [we] met, they sold the club to me.” Yes, he is a man of respect and yes, that is the Queen’s Celtic, winner of 47 league championships, 36 Scottish Cups, 15 Scottish League Cups and one European Cup, “sold” to Brendan Rodgers, four and a quarter times Premier League competitor.
Naturally, Rodgers was clear about his plans for the club: “To continue with the domination of Scotland and also make an impact on European football.” Verily, he is a man of his word, because this very day, because of him, millions upon millions of simple citizens are enjoying the most powerful emotion of all: maniacal, catatonic, corporeal laughter, the mere mention of the name Queen’s Celtic enough to turn an entire continent incontinent. Such is the power of Brendan.
Prior to the game against the mighty Lincoln Red Imps, Brendan was open as to his plans, pledging to “treat them the same as if we were playing Barcelona or Real Madrid”. So it was said and so it was done, the arch motivator inspiring his team to roll over in supine compliance with the effortless brilliance that has become his hallmark. Nor will the significance of the winning goal be lost on the green and white army. Its scorer, Lee Casciaro, is, when not scoring winning goals against the Queen’s Celtic, a Gibraltarian policeman. Or, put another way, yet another example of the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers exerting their malign influence over the cosmos; it just isn’t fair.
As for Brendan, he was contrite as ever, quick to accept full responsibility for his side’s failure, which he attributed to the pitch, the weather, the opposing team, his own team, and the policy process in the modern capitalist state. But he absolutely did not find it “embarrassing” to be beaten by a team of part-timers, thereby returning the worst result in his team’s proud 128-year history, and at the first attempt, too; rather, it was just “disappointing”. He then went on to accuse his players of being overtired and showing off to their friends. In response, those players have made it clear that under no circumstances did they ask to be born.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“If your country comes calling, it’s a no-brainer and I would love to be involved as well, if possible. I would absolutely walk on broken glass for that chance. You name it, I would do it, to the benefit of me, obviously” – Phil Brown selflessly offers ‘Big’ Sam Allardyce the opportunity to create an ultimate England manager dream ticket, after FA suits interviewed the Sunderland manager.
FIVER LETTERS
“I genuinely believe the FA couldn’t reinforce the famous saying that the definition of insanity is ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results’ any more than by making Sam Allardyce England manager. Let’s wait and see” – Flavio L’Abbate.
“I would like to register my complaint about the early start of the Queen’s Celtic Annual Humiliation in Europe Gala. I thought we had all agreed this annual event starts every August in Big Cup and goes on until the end of the Big Vase group stages in December. Am currently on holiday post-Euro 2016 and have now missed the start of one of the most anticipated key (and by ‘key’, I mean funny) events of the footballing calendar” – Noble Francis.
“Re: Adebayo Akinfenwa joining Wycombe (Fiver passim). Years ago I worked at the High Wycombe branch of Our Price (kids, ask your parents), when the place had the reputation of being ‘Britain’s most violent small town’, and the local McDonald’s boasted of being the only branch in the world that employed a team of full-time security guards. Given that ‘location’ was a deciding factor in the big-boned striker signing for the Buckinghamshire club, is it safe to assume that the town has improved somewhat?” – Tim Grey.
“If we are still comparing pithy reviews (Fiver letters passim) then Walter Kerr’s ‘Me no Leica’ about John Van Druten’s I Am a Camera, in the New York Herald Tribune in 1951, will take some beating” – Matt Emerson.
“The NME may have published some witheringly concise reviews in its time but none of them can compare to Pitchfork’s finest” – Malcolm South.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Flavio L’Abbate.
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BITS AND BOBS
Having joined Wycombe Wanderers because of its location, Adebayo Akinfenwa found himself relocated to the changing rooms after 32 minutes of his debut after being sent off for scuffling with a Le Havre player in their pre-season friendly. “Was not the start I was looking for even doe [sic] the sending off was dubious,” he blootered. “I should have known better but guess everyday is a learning day.”
Jürgen Klopp has asked Mario Balotelli to make like Fred Flintstone and yabba-dabba-Do-One from Liverpool. “There will be a club around who would be happy to have the new Mario Balotelli,” he tooted.
Having spent half a season at Barcelona doing nothing more strenuous than strolling up and down the Ramblas, Arda Turan is keen to stay at the club rather than jump ship to Arsenal or Chelsea. “The rumours saying he is leaving are false,” parped his Mr 15% to Big Website.
Tattoo parlours in Istanbul are hastily training up new staff and are braced for an increase in demand now that Martin Skrtel has successfully coughed for the Fenerbahce doctor.
Barcelona have splurged €16.5m on PSG defender Lucas Digne.
It’s a quiet day dept: Kelvin Davis has been made ‘Football Development Executive’ at Southampton, in recognition of the fact he’s one of the few members of staff not to have embarked on the annual trip to the Costa Del Do One.
And Borussia Dortmund manager Thomas Tuchel has given Manchester United signing Henrikh Mkhitaryan a hearty farewell. “We have made a decision to sign players who will give their heart and soul to Borussia Dortmund,” he sniffed.
STILL WANT MORE?
The Gallery is getting a bullet put in it, so be sure to check out the penultimate edition with Hal Robson-Kanu while you still can.
Would The Fiver churn this guff out in Shanghai if a Chinese billionaire offered us five more Purple Tins a day? 你打赌我们会. So what’s wrong with Graziono Pellè doing the same, muses Nick Miller.
“Where did this bloody Icelandic clap really come from,” asked Simon Weaver of the fans’ syncopated celebration rather than some sort of Nordic venereal disease. The Knowledge, as ever, sprung into action.
Spurs may have signed Vincent Janssen, but his fame-dodging, trophy-hating, swimming champion mother may well be more interesting, reports Bart Vlietstra.
For Portugal in 2016, read Greece in 2004, writes Martin Laurence.
Louise Taylor’s piece on Premier League clubs’ pre-season friendlies gave Big Website’s picture desk such a jolt that they slapped a photo of Jordan Henderson blowing a didgeridoo on it.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT TOO!
