Anyway, I suppose that’s that. Thanks all for your company and comments - sorry I couldn’t use them all - and have a good night.
However, that wasn’t similar to United’s three other home draws. West Ham had the better chances to win the game in the second half, and look like they’re back; United do not, though are getting there. West Ham move up the table to fifth bottom; United stay sixth.
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Full-time: Manchester United 1-1 West Ham
That game was a lot of fun. West Ham were superb, both in defence and attack; United were superb in parts, but leave with their fourth consecutive home draw. They’ve not done that since 1980.
90+4 min Feghouli replaces Payet.
90+3 min “As a Forest fan, it’s pretty rich to hear David Prutton preaching about indiscipline,” remembers Mark Hooper. “Remind me again who was brought on as a sub in the 2007 play-off semis to calm things down and promptly got himself sent off as we lost 2-5 at home?”
90+2 min United win a corner and the ball drops to Rooney, who cleverly makes his way around the outside, screwing back a cross - over-screwing back a cross.
90+1 min Bilic has been very clever with his changes, replacing his front men so that they can play and press at the same pace all the way through the game.
90 min There shall be four added minutes. Valencia is booked for something or other.
90 min And United break through Mkhitaryan, so Cresswell upends him playground-style and is also booked.
90 min West Ham have been fantastic these last ten minutes, and Noble finds Ayew on the left - his cross is a goodun too, picking out Fletcher, but just as he draws back his laces, Rojo stretches his to avert the danger.
87 min Antonio murders down the right, and a delicate pass finds Fletcher inside the box with a sight of goal. But De Gea is alive to the danger, and gets down in long barrier by his near post to save. West Ham keep the ball alive, though, and Fellaini has no option whatsoever, no none at all, literally zero, nowt, nada, but to foul Fletcher by the by-line. He’s booked and will also be suspended for Wednesday - the free-kick comes to nothing.
86 min West Ham are still pressing United’s back four, making them play six or seven passes to get out. But eventually they do, Valencia crossing to the far post, where Pogba vaults into a scissor-kick - it’s blocked, and West Ham break!
85 min Final roll of the lampshade for United: Fellaini replaces Lingard.
84 min Great break from West Ham, Fletcher screeching away down the left. But United funnel back well, and eventually Rojo steps in to clear.
83 min Zlatan chases a high ball, heads on and follows it, so that when Collins undercooks the header back, he pounces and rounds the advancing Randolph. But he can’t keep the ball close to him, and Kouyate is there to boust clear.
82 min Desperation in the home “secret room”; Rui Faria calls for Fellaini.
81 min “My Dad played in a band called Oakley Brown in the late 60s,” emails Paul Ewart. “Once, whilst playing at the legendary Billinge Higher End Labour Club he was interrupted mid song by the MC who had an important announcement to make: ‘Meat Pies ‘ave come’ he yelped to general delirium as my poor, dejected father lamented his career choice. He was never the same after that evening....”
Was he vegetarian?
80 min Nice form Ayew, finding Fletcher down the right, and he hammers a low cross that no one’s there to meet - but even then Valencia has a tricky clearance to execute, all the more so when it arrives at his left foot. Somehow, he contorts his body and pokes away with his right.
78 min United come again - it’s not quite how it once was, but this is becoming an onslaught. Pogba, who’s had a quiet second half, appears just outside the box and left of centre, whacking a shot that’s sneaking insdie the post, before Randolph flies across to tip it away. He’s had an excellent game.
77 min United continue apace, winning a corner down the right. The ball comes off Ogbonna and meets the swing of Mkhitaryan, whose improvised shot bumps the inside of the post and bounces along the line. Lingard puts it in from a millimetre, but he was offside.
76 min “Whoah, now,” emails Matt Dony. “Let’s not open the psychology can of worms. Feelings and thoughts are designed to be kept deep, deep inside. Surely. Also, I may have done my father a disservice. He actually was cool and edgy back in the day. One of the first in Pembrokeshire with an electric guitar and an earring. Also, my mother may have worn the first miniskirt in Pembroke. Ladies and gentlemen, my proud heritage. Now, come on West Ham.”
Llwest Ham, you mean.
75 min Ayew comes on for Lanzini.
Updated
74 min United have stepped it up these last few minutes, and Valencia finds Mkhitaryan, close to the edge of the box and right of centre. He turns and shoots, the ball blocked back to Lingard, who tees himself up and laces a decent effort right at Randolph.
73 min Again, the ball arrives at Valencia’s feet, inside the box this time, and again, he smashes it as hard as he can, achieving nothing but perhaps some bruised shins for James Collins.
71 min Valencia takes one of those Rooney crossfield passes - yes, it actually worked - and he attacks Cresswell along the line, driving a low cross that arrives at Zlatan close to the post. He has nothing on so tries a backheel, winning a corner which comes to nothing.
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70 min After a really entertaining first half, we’ve not been given much of a game in the second. Credit to West Ham, who’ve defended with vigour, but United have been wan.
68 min Careless from Noble, who cedes possession to Rooney. Zlatan is onto him, and moving right, he slides a pass left for Rooney ahead of him. But just as Jon Champion is reaching a pitch, he sidefoots a firm but tame effort that Randolph collects easily.
67 min A real welcome to the game for Mkhitaryan, who is rattled by Obiang. Somehow, he survives, and somewhere, in a “secret room” Jose Mourinho passes out.
66 min “I grew up with a father playing in a duo called A Pair Of Chancers,” emaiols Matt Dony. “Substantially less edgy than your dad. Might not be his favourite song, but I remember watching in awe as he played Apache. In all my subsequent years of playing guitar, I’ve intentionally never learned the song. It feels like his, not mine.”
Oi, Sigmund lad! Any thoughts?
66 min Sakho can’t continue - Fletcher, formerly of United, replaces him.
65 min United make their changes, while Sakho, who’s been down a while, takes some treatment.
64 min United enjoy some possession and Herrera finds Lingard. He runs at Kouyate, who robs him with hilarious ease.
63 min I’m wrong; Mata not Lingard. I must say, I don’t get this - Mata can pick a pass, and is also a reliable sniffer-outer of chances.
63 min United are preparing Rooney and Mkhitaryan; for Lingard and Rashford would be my guess.
61 min “The co-commentator on the stream I’m watching keeps talking about how kicking bottles doesn’t befit a man of Mourinho’s class,” emails Kelvin. “I guess he didn’t see Mourinho during his years at Madrid.”
Incidentally, this red hot co-comm chat tells you that the game is experiencing something of a lull.
60 min They are literally discussing how Alex Ferguson would be upset with Mourinho’s behaviour. I think we’re all in some kind of ironic reality show.
59 min “Glad I’m not alone in gradually becoming more obsessed with club Twitter feeds,” emails Stephen Bush. “I’ve also started to obsess over the Pravdaesque write-ups of matches. Sunderland’s website at the moment is particularly good for this, as you’d expect.”
During the Ludogorets away game, Arsenal’s feed asked people what they’d say in their half-time teamtalk.
58 min To be clear, this is not to say that Mourinho isn’t a child; simply that the presumed knock-on effect is not quite as inevitable as is being assumed.
57 min Prutton is still going on about Mourinho. “When things aren’t going right, you don’t need to arm the media with any more slings and arrows”. Er, there’s this bloke, Alex Ferguson...
57 min Matteo Darmian’s sideboards look like he bought them from a fancy dress shop.
55 min More sensible behaviour from Lingard, pulling back Payet to give him a free-kick in a position more or less identical to the one from which he as good as scored the opening goal. But this time, he shoots, from way out wide - De Gea does well to tip over the bar at the near post, though it was on its way there anyhow.
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54 min West Ham have started the second half well, and force a corner down the right. Payet clips in a goodun too, picking out Sakho level with the near post but ten yards out. He makes good contact too, sending a header spinning onto the roof of the net.
53 min “Here’s a ridiculously perfect Kanchelskis delivery,” tweets Mike Morris. “He could cross, he just chose not to.”
I’m the same with painting old masters.
51 min Rojo catches Sakho in the forehead with his studs, so there’s a short break while he receives treatment.
49 min David Prutton is still going on about Mourinho’s indiscipline and the effect on his team. I can’t seem to find video of Alex Ferguson kicking all manner of bottles, real and imaginary, at Newcastle in 2003 (I think), but somehow, his team survived.
49 min West Ham types: any ideas as to how the new ground might be improved?
47 min Wayne Rooney is warming up. Anyone know how many United goals he’s got, and whether he’s close to any kind of landmark?
46 min Off we kick.
The players are back with us. Mourinho is in a “secret room” somewhere, we’re told.
“Funny how Man Utd’s own website and twitter account don’t mention anything about that penalty appeals,” notes Anita Singh.
Club’s official accounts are one of my new favourite things. I particularly enjoy their use of first names, and copying in players who they know for sure aren’t reading because they see them on the pitch. Naturally, Arsenal do this very well.
But, more than anything, I enjoy the deadpan announcement of opposition goals.
2' - Goal. #MUFC 0 West Ham 1. Sakho heads in from a free-kick. #MUNWHU
— Manchester United (@ManUtd) November 27, 2016
21: The hosts are level. Pogba clips a ball into the box and Ibrahimovic heads home. 1-1.
— West Ham United (@WestHamUtd) November 27, 2016
[1-1] #MUNWHU #COYI
And here’s the man himself: “Kanchelskis & the notion of crossing? Ask Mark Hughes about that... & slowly retreat,” returns Booboo_76.”
I imagine that’s the default option for asking Mark Hughes anything.
“Best Crosser of the last 25 years and Beckham doesn’t get a look in?” tweets Liam Ager. “It’s all he could do!”
Harsh, in mine - he was a very good player indeed. But he wasn’t a winger, which was part of the original qualification - deliberately to exclude him, I shouldn’t wonder.
“Surely H2So4 were part of Acid culture? Boom,” emails Matt Dony.
I believe that was part of the gag, though there was something to do with surnames and initials too. I fear I’m making my old fella seem cooler than he was, but.
Anyway, here’s his favourite song - feel free to send in equivalents.
Half-time: Manchester United 1-1 West Ham
That was a really enjoyable half. Dimitri Payet is, quite simply, one of the best kickers of a dead ball I’ve ever seen, and his delivery for Sakho’s goal was perfect. West Ham defended well thereafter, though United also played well, and took the equaliser very nicely. They’ll feel they’ve created enough to be ahead - a familiar refrain - but West Ham’s last-ditch defending has been outstanding, and they remain a threat more or less every time they go forward. More, please!
45+2 min United sweep forwards again, and the ball winds up at Lingard’s feet, right side of the box, ten yards out. He shoots low and hard towards the near post, but Randolph hurtles across his goal to tip around the post. That’s a very useful save indeed.
45+2 min Lanzini runs at the United defence and sprays a delicious pass left for Payet, who teases Rojo and Herrera inside the box, swaying hither and yon before jabbing a cross into Herrera’s hand. There are huge shouts for a penalty, but it was near enough his side and very close to the ball - in my opinion.
45+1 min We’re into the first of two added minutes, and Pogba finds Zlatan on the right of the West Ham box, ten yards out. He duly slams laces into pigsblader, but, from nowhere, Ogbonna slides in front to block brilliantly. Fantastic defending.
44 min Mata progresses down the left and stands up a cross for Zlatan, who has to generate all the pace himself and heads wide.
43 min “Not all readers are aware who Terry Amos is as we are into our 70s now and
were at the notorious (for the violence) 6-1 United win at Upton Park 1967,” emails Derek Andrews.
“60s music is more our thing so if you could work the Hollies’ (Manchester
group) “Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress” into your commentary it would go
down well.”
Yes, I have a father close to his 70s and from Manchester - I’m familiar with the Hollie’s oeuvre. And 10cc. And the H2SO4, a less well-known beat combo featuring Harris, D on vocals.
42 min “Re. Lingard & Giggs finishes - yes!” tweets Booboo. “Maddeningly inconsistent deliveries from both too. Best crosser of last 25 years who was actually a winger? Lee Sharpe.”
Assuming you’re taking about United players, I’d agree with that. And on that subject, did Kanchelskis ever cross?
40 min Valencia nashes down the right, standing up a cross for Ibrahimovic at the back post. But Antonio is up superbly to back-head away.
39 min West Ham need to liven up here, because if they don’t, United will score again. Lingard, on the right, crosses, and Collins blocks. The corner is a poor one, headed clear, but United pick up the loose ball ... and then waste it.
38 min Apparently, United’s goal came after a move of 22 passes; somewhere in the Algarve, Louis van Gaal is claiming the credit.
37 min Huge chance for United! Jones heads clear, Zlatan ducks, and Rashford judges the bounce of the ball perfectly, gambles, and finds himself one on one! He holds off Kouyate superbly, but, without a goal in nine games, when Randolph stands tall, he snatches at his finish, hitting the keeper’s foot when he’d delayed long enough to be forced around him. Excellent keeping, mind.
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36 min “Seeing the Man U goal again,” emails Kelvin, “does Randolph leave the ball thinking it’s outside of his post? I’ve seen it several times and it looks like he just left it.”
I think it was past him before he could think about moving.
35 min That wasn’t one of his better efforts, but Jesse Lingard is a fitting successor to Ryan Giggs in at least one aspect (hear me out): the ability to deliver the best and worst finishes.
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34 min Good work from Mata, who wanders off the right and crosses deep to the far post. Zlatan is there, too, pulling to the edge of the six-yard box and heading back across, Lingard seeing it late of Collins’ head and stretching to shin over the top.
31 min “NBC feed for ManU-WHU had Saints-Everton audio for first 2 mins,” tweets Allan Castle. “Americans unable to tell one mid-table scrap from another?”
Ho ho ho!
29 min My commentary team of Jon Champion and David Prutton are most upset by what they’ve seen. Won’t somebody please think of those who need to be thought about!
27 min Nothing comes of the free-kick, and United break with Rashford. The ball ends up infield with Pogba, who moves away from Ogbonna then waves his feet at Noble, fools him, and he anticipates a challenge so dives over it - but it never comes. Pogba is booked for diving, and will mess Wednesday’s game, while Mourinho hoofs a water bottle in great vengeance and furious anger, so is sent-off.
Updated
26 min Lovely from Payet who lollipops Herrera inside, bounces outside, and falls over the obligingly extended leg. Free-kick from another dangerous position, 35 yards out but left side this time.
25 min “Do you have ‘em all lined up beforehand like a 3rd-rate commentator, or are genuinely struck by flashes of genius?” tweets Citizen of Nowhere.
Unfortunately, I have song lyrics and bible verses running around my tiny mind every time I see anything. It is not always well received by those around me.
23 min West Ham will be vex, so they will. Having restricted United to almost nothing, and done so with elan, they switched off and presented them with an equaliser, excellent though the execution was.
GOAL! Manchester United 1-1 West Ham (Ibrahimovic, 21)
This is miserable from West Ham. Rojo steps out with the ball and taps to Pogba, who is given time, lots of it, so he changes the angle by moving onto his right foot and clips over the top, whereupon Collins steps out and Zlatan moves into the space to twist and head home. Nicely taken and all, but really, Irons.
Updated
20 min “Michael Carrick was playing for West Ham in that 2002/3 clip you posted,” emails Mark Judd, “and now he is gluing Manchester United together almost by himself, he’s had a long and successful career alright.”
It’s very bizarre how little he’s been used. He was United’s best midfielder last season, and will be still better than Marouane Fellaini when he’s 80.
19 min Herrera lifts one towards Rashford down the left, and Kouyate comes out to challenge. He concedes a throw deep inside his his own half, but again West Ham retain their shape and force United back into their own half.
18 min Antonio thunders past Darmian, forcing Rojo to charge out, which he does, and tackle sensibly, which he does. I know!
17 min West Ham are looking very well organised, not just in defence but in midfield, forcing United to pass across the width of the pitch. Eventually they toss one wide for Valencia and Cresswell comes to meet him, blocking the attempted cross and for extra points, hitting Valencia back; the ball rolls out for a goalkick.
15 min Ibrahimovic pulls left, turns, and feeds pleasantly into Mata’s path. He shoots firmly, but directly at Randolph, who fields with ease.
14 min United find space, Mata finding Rashford, who runs at Obiang - literally. He clears easily.
13 min Bit of possession for United, and then Pogba shmices one higher than the sun. All together, de ne ne ne ne, ne ne ne ne.
Updated
11 min Good job form Sakho, taking the ball and drawing men towards him, leaving the impatient, impetuous Herrera with plenty of choices but to foul him; he fouled him. But the free-kick, central and 40 yards out, was easily cleared.
10 min West Ham are sitting back and inviting pressure - and who can blame them*. They’ve pace and invention on the break, while United have struggled in precisely these circumstances all season.
*jose Mourinho and Arsene Wenger.
8 min Beautiful touch from Pogba to play Zlatan in, but he’d strayed just offside. However, Pogba has been very good in recent weeks; it’s almost as if he hadn’t had a pre-season and was playing in a bad team in a new league.
7 min “Morning Daniel,” begins Kevin Smith. “You may be interested to know, Canadian TV station Sportsnet is showing this game and the pregame show featured two ex-premiership players, Danny Dichio and Canadian legend Craig Forrest. They spent a few minutes having fun at Forrest’s expense, reviewing this game:”
Yes, West Ham made the mistake of scoring first and suffered for their effrontery. But United promptly went and lost to Madrid in Europe.
6 min The away fans are enjoying themselves, but Lingard, attempting to make good his error, appears in the middle and finds Rashford, indeed on the left. He crosses, a fraction too high for Zlatan.
4 min In more important matters, here’s Matt dony with the re-tort:
“No, that’s just hipster Tori fans who can’t like the one song that’s universally popular. The same kind of people who claim to support Leipzig. True fans don’t go to the bar until she’s finished. Cynicism aside, I’ve never been more moved by a performance than Tori Amos alone at a piano for two hours. Sat next to a 6’5 fella dressed as a pirate who cried the whole way through.”
I’ve got a yarn like that. I was at Beyonce with my missus, and pints of wine were the most convenient, cheapest way of refreshing. A bad thing had happened to me that week, so after a while, my eyeballs began to sweat. The lady next to me leans over: “Beyonce’s great, isn’t she?!”
GOAL! Manchester United 0-1 West Ham (Sakho, 2)
Perfect ball in from Payet, fast, flat and wonderful. All Sakho has to do is get a touch, which he does, and for extra points, gets to enjoy the mirth of crumpled, prostrate Zlatan on the goalline.
Updated
2 min Payet whips past Lingard, who chops him down in a dangerous position. If only he’d been warned of Payet’s free-kick prowess on numerous occasions last season!
1 min To the heart, tick tock ya, don’t stop.
Ah - good news. Andy Carroll is expected to be involved when the teams reconvene on Wednesday. He’ll make a huge difference.
The players troop out of the tunnel and shake hands. You can literally taste the fair play.
United have now joined them. It’s all go!
West Ham are tunelled, tracksyoot tops and all.
And for balance, here’s a crucial league game from February 1986 that more or less ended United’s title challenge and kindled West Ham’s.
Here’s a Cup-tie between the sides from 2003, featuring an unusual quantity of high-quality goals.
Email! “Happy days,” chirps Matt Dony. “Tori Amos and (hopefully) Jose coming unstuck after some odd selections. Two of my very favourite things in the world.”
Only this week, I read something telling me that true Tori Amos fans go to the bar when she plays Cornflake Girl live. Have at you.
What do West Ham need to get out of the hole they’re in? Is it simply a matter of keeping their best players fit? They do also need a proper striker, easier said than done, but surely they could’ve found a better player than Zaza.
Oh, please excuse me - I omitted to draw attention to Bastian Schweinsteiger’s presence on the United bench. He’ll keep all the others nice and warm.
Elsewhere, Arsenal have beaten Bournemouth 3-1 - Bournemouth are now 11th, behind Stoke, while Arsenal consolidate 4th. Of course they do.
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So, how will this game go? Well, assuming West Ham go with their three at the back, United will look to get around the sides with Rashford and Lingard - I wonder if the former might try the left, rather than the right - with Mata looking to release them.
West Ham, meanwhile, can play on United’s lack of defensive solidity. Jones and Rojo are unused to playing together and prone to absurd losses of composure, while in front of them, Herrera is a competent but unnatural screen. If Lanzini and Payet roam, they will find plenty of joy.
Of course, this is the first of three meetings between the sides over the next bit. They return to Old Trafford on Wednesday, for the quarter-final of the League Cup, and buddy-up a third time on the 2nd of January at the London [insert sponsorship here] Stadium. All things being equal, they should be nurturing a pleasing tetch very soon indeed.
To get you in the mood, the Joy of Six: West Ham v Manchester United.
Talking of omissions, neither Luke Shaw nor Anthony Martial are even in United’s squad. Search me.
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Precisely that of which José Mourinho would like less.
So, Manchester United produce their best performance of the season, and sure as night follows lawnmower, their follow six changes. At left-back, Shaw is replaced by Darmian, who is better at ... er ... well. In the centre of defence, Blind, United’s second-best left-back, makes way for Rojo, while in midfield, Herrera comes in for the injured Carrick, and in attack, Rooney and Mkhitaryan are replaced by Lingard and Rashford.
West Ham, meanwhile, are without the suspended Reid; otherwise, Slaven Bilic stiffens the midfield by bringing back Noble, Ayew dropping to the bench.
Cornflake girls and raisin girls:
Manchester United (a 4-3-3/4-2-3-1 hybrid of static): De Gea; Valencia, Jones, Rojo, Darmian; Herrera, Pogba, Mata; Lingard, Ibrahimovic, Rashford.
Subs: Romero, Blind, Fellaini, Schweinsteiger, Mkhitaryan, Young, Rooney.
West Ham (3-4-2-1 festivus affair): Randolph; Ogbonna, Collins, Kouyate; Antonio, Obiang, Noble, Cresswell; Lanzini, Payet; Sakho.
Subs: Adrian, Nordtveit, Feghouli, Zza, Ayew, Fletcher, Fernandes.
Bias ref: Jonathan “Jon” Moss (Horsforth)
Updated
Preamble
Genius takes many forms; Jose Mourinho’s genius takes many forms. But his management of Henrikh Mkhitaryan illustrated yet another wrinkle to its multifarious majesty. As his team struggled for pace, invention, creativity, wit, bravery, intelligence, joy - and goals - a man who, last season, scored 23 and made 32 of the blighters was held back until he was precisely ready. So it was no surprise to see him produce a performance of verve and vitality against Feyernoord on Thursday night; there are only two Einsteins.
It seems absolutely inconceivable, and therefore entirely conceivable, that Mourinho will omit Mkhitaryan today. Though United have been more cohesive in recent weeks, Juan Mata, Wayne Rooney and Zlatan Zlatan-Zlatan could scarcely be slower; Mourinho may trust them more, but this is football, not financial advice.
West Ham, meanwhile, are still in a mess. They have lost seven of their last ten games, most recently an absolute killer at Spurs. On the other hand, they do, now, have most of their best players available, all of whom are good enough to make improvement inevitable. In particular, the return of Andre Ayew gives thrust to complement Manuel Lanzini’s trickery and Dimitri Payet’s bounce; they will fancy the state of the United’s defence.
Kick-off: 4.30pm GMT
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