That’s about it for today’s Clockwatch. You can join Bazzer for Liverpool v Manchester City right now. Thanks for your company today and throughout 2016. Happy new year!
Here are the last two Premier League match reports
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Get your match reports here!
Dominic Fifield was at Stamford Bridge to see Chelsea beat Stoke 4-2 in a fantastic game. Here’s his match report.
In case you missed it, Celtic won the Old Firm derby 2-1 against Rangers.
“Last time I open my mouth about United losing...” says Stephen Lysaght.
Schadenfreude, like onanism, is an activity in which you should only partake if you are absolutely certain it’s not going to come back in your face.
Here’s how the Premier League table looks after today’s matches. West Brom are up to eighth; most impressive of all, Burnley are now 11th.
Sergio Aguero is back for Manchester City, who face Liverpool at Anfield. Get the latest news with Barry Glendenning.
Full times: Burnley 4-1 Sunderland; Leicester 1-0 West Ham
Sunderland are well and truly in the malodorous stuff.
Full time: Manchester United 2-1 Middlesbrough
It’s probably fair to say that United would have lost that game a year ago. They aren’t quite back, but they are going in the right direction.
Full time: Chelsea 4-2 Stoke City
Chelsea make it 13 consecutive league wins despite a fine performance from Stoke. They are nine points clear of Liverpool, who play Manchester City later today.
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RED CARD: Van Dijk (Southampton)
Virgil van Dijk gets a second yellow card at St Mary’s, where Southampton are still trailing West Brom 2-1.
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GOAL! Swansea 0-3 Bournemouth (King 88)
The substitute Josh King completes a thumping win for Bournemouth, who have completely outclassed poor old Swansea.
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“United being beaten by Boro after biggest spending ever and no better than LVG,” says Stephen Lysaght. “Meanwhile Chelsea don’t spend and are 27 points better off. So what is Jose?”
He’s a mirage, a spook story, a concept.
GOAL! Manchester United 2-1 Middlesbrough (Pogba 86)
United have turned it round with two goals in two minutes. The increasingly influential Paul Pogba has headed them ahead from Juan Mata’s cross, and Sir Alex Ferguson, in the crowd on his 75th birthday, will be experiencing many a happy flashback.
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GOAL! Manchester United 1-1 Middlesbrough (Martial 85)
Anthony Martial has equalised from Ibrahimovic’s knockdown, the inevitable conclusion of 15 minutes of ceaseless pressure.
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GOAL! Chelsea 4-2 Stoke City (Diego Costa 85)
Chelsea have been severely tested today, and they have come through it so impressively. Diego Costa has sealed victory with a thumping finish.
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Manchester United’s love affair with the referee Lee Mason continues: after disallowing Ibrahimovic’s goal in the first half, he has now turned down a big appeal for a penalty.
Manchester United are swarming all over Middlesbrough, with the substitute Marcus Rashford having their 25th attempt at goal.
GOAL! Burnley 4-1 Sunderland (Defoe 71)
Don’t call it a comeback.
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GOAL! Burnley 4-0 Sunderland (Barnes 67 penalty)
Sunderland are taking one hell of a beating at Turf Moor. Ashley Barnes has got the fourth for Burnley, who have now picked up 22 points at home this season.
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GOAL! Manchester United 0-1 Middlesbrough (Leadbitter 67)
Oh my. Middlesbrough lead at Old Trafford, with Grant Leadbitter finishing well from a superb knockdown by Alvaro Negredo. The last time Boro won at Old Trafford was in 2004, when Juninho scored twice and Diego Forlan hit the crossbar from 0.0001 yards.
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GOAL! Chelsea 3-2 Stoke (Willian 65)
Stoke were level for 74 seconds. Willian has scored the greatest goal of all time his second to restore Chelsea’s lead once again.
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GOAL! Chelsea 2-2 Stoke (Crouchigollllllllllllllllllll 64)
Well, well, well: Peter Crouch has scored his first Premier League goal since the 2014-15 season to bring Stoke level again.
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“If you as the writer on Clockwatch cannot legally view the action,” says Steve Colwill, “how do you know if was a fine finish from Gray?”
GOAL! Chelsea 2-1 Stoke (Willian 53)
Ach, I can’t keep up with all these goals. Willian has finished off a brilliant move to put Chelsea back in front. Teams managed by Antonio Conte aren’t exactly renowned for losing a lead twice in one game, so you’d fancy Chelsea to win from here.
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GOAL! Burnley 3-0 Sunderland (Gray 53)
A hat-trick for Andre Gray! This is another excellent finish, and surely ensures victory for Burnley.
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“Dearest Rob,” lies Mac Millings. “Greetings and seasonal felicitations from (thanks to North Carolina’s passing of the “bathroom law”) the superior of the two Carolinas - although not, I suspect, for long; South Carolinians are proud to be among the worst people in the nation (State Motto: “Nil Satis Nisi Oppressio”). I don’t really care about the football any more - just wanted to take the opportunity to make fun of my adopted homeland while that’s still allowed.”
Happy new year!
GOAL! Burnley 2-0 Sunderland (Gray 51)
Andre Gray gets his second to give Burnley a comfortable lead at home to Sunderland. As things stand, Burnley are nine points clear of the relegation places.
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“Thanks for the clip of the Arsenal defence being shredded by QPR,” says Charles Antaki. “Particularly prophetic are the two appearances of Steve Bould in the post-goal scenes, practicing the wearied, disbelieving expression that would come to be so useful in later years.”
GOAL! Southampton 1-2 West Brom (Robson-Kanu 50)
Hal Robson-Kanu scored one of the goals of 2016, and he has ended the year with a screamer to give West Brom the lead at St Mary’s. Indeed that’s his first goal since he paid tribute to Johan Cruyff against Belgium in the summer.
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Thanks to my colleague Niall McVeigh for pointing out this Tim Cahill celebration. Go get me a corner flag.
GOAL! Chelsea 1-1 Stoke (Martins Indi 46)
A flying start to the second half at Stamford Bridge, where Bruno Martins Indi has lumbered forward to equalise for Stoke.
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“Hi Rob,” says Wilfy, “To spread some Christmas/New Year’s cheer among all QPR fans looking forward to another year at the wrong end of the table and wondering where it all went wrong, please can you show all the goals from John Jensen’s finest hour.”
Better still: tomorrow is the 25th anniversary of Dennis Bailey Day.
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Peep peep! It’s half time around England, if not Scotland. Chelsea are on course for their 13th consecutive win; Swansea are on course for the Championship.
“Lee Mason’s call to disallow Zlatan’s goal is, for me, the worst refereeing decision in 2016,” says Putera Satria. “According to his standards, then all overhead kicks should be disallowed for high feet.”
This is what really sets Clockwatch apart: many of the readers can legally view the action being described, but the writer can’t.
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GOAL! Swansea 0-2 Bournemouth (Fraser 45)
Bournemouth pass Swansea to death and go 2-0 up. Eventually Stanislas goes through, draws the goalkeeper and gives the goal to Fraser.
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GOAL! Southampton 1-1 West Brom (Phillips 43)
West Brom equalise straight away at St Mary’s thanks to an accomplished finish from Matt Phillips. He’s having a fine season.
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GOAL! Southampton 1-0 West Brom (Long 41)
Shane Long heads Southampton ahead from a lovely cross by Sofiane Boufal Dusan Tadic.
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“Re: Mark Eyeington - some of those Chelsea players very much underperformed last year, but didn’t Jose do the same - if not more so - by publicly humiliating Dr. Carneiro in the first game of the season (something he still hasn’t apologised for), and blaming everyone else for all the subsequent mistakes?” writes Ian Staerck. “I’m a Chelsea fan who still sang his name when things were going sour, but to entirely blame the players is a blinkered viewpoint.”
A couple of near misses at Old Trafford: Martial hits the post for Manchester United, and then Zlatan Ibrahimovic has a goal disallowed for a high foot.
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“No, not sarcasm,” says JR. “He’s roasting people left and right and spraying passes to spring teammates. He also almost scored.”
GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Stoke (Cahill 33)
Gary Cahill, who has always been such a good finisher, heads Chelsea into the lead at Stamford Bridge. As things stand they are nine points clear of Liverpool in second place, 10 clear of Manchester City and 37 clear of Swansea.
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GOAL! Burnley 1-0 Sunderland (Gray 31)
Burnley’s brilliant home form - only Chelsea and Spurs have won more - may be set to continue: Twitter’s Andre Gray has given them the lead with a fine finish.
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It’s not going to plan for Chelsea, with Stoke still the better side at Stamford Bridge.
“Just so you and Jeff Stelling know, Sofiane Boufal is absolutely shredding the Baggies midfield and defence,” says JR in Illinois. “By far the best player out there.”
I have no idea whether JR is being sarcastic or not.
“This may be naive, but I have seldom seen a player more out of place than Fellaini in this United side,” says Matt Richman. “His slowness of touch and thought takes the sting out of the midfield entirely and he will ballwatch throughout any Boro attack. Does he add something on the pitch that I am completely missing?”
I don’t really see it, but the fact he is liked by Ferguson, Moyes, Van Gaal and Mourinho – who have about 482 trophies between them – makes me confident we are missing something.
GOAL! Swansea 0-1 Bournemouth (Afobe 25)
Benik Afobe has given Bournemouth the lead against relegated Swansea.
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GOAL! Leicester 1-0 West Ham (Slimani 20)
Leicester are winning a football match. Islam Slimani has given them the lead with a cracking header from Marc Albrighton’s cross.
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“Currently top of the Premier League, Chelsea are drawing plaudits for their discipline, resolution and knowhow,” says Mark Eyeington. “But let’s remember that this same group of players now conducting themselves on the pitch with the slightly smug air of chastened schoolboys are the same collection of reprobates that could not scrape together a point for Jose Mourinho last season and effectively got him sacked. Hard to like these PL leaders, all the more so when one contrasts them with last season’s honest and hard-working equivalents.”
I see your point, though I’d be reluctant to generalise about the whole squad. There were plenty of players – Azpilicueta, for example – who didn’t let Mourinho down. Also, I suspect Mourinho was happy to let it spiral out of control so that he would get sacked and then take his dream job.
Lee Grant has made an excellent save from Diego Costa at Stamford Bridge, where it is still Chelsea 0-0 Stoke.
Another chance for Boro at Old Trafford, with George Friend’s shock blocked by Marouane Fellaini.
Paul Merson, on Soccer Saturday, says Stoke have been the better team at Stamford Bridge. They might have taken the lead too, with Azpilicueta making a vital interception to deprive Martins Indi.
On this day in 1994, it happened.
At Old Trafford, Paul Pogba has hit the outside of the post with a scissor-kick.
Michail Antonio has missed a decent chance to give West Ham the lead at Leicester. Still no goals in the six Premier League games, though my sources tell me it won’t be long.
It’s all happening at Shielfield Park. After three minutes, Edinburgh City lead the home side Berwick Rangers 2-0 (TWO).
Middlesbrough have missed a great early chance at Old Trafford, with Adama Traore messing up a three-on-one break. At the King Power Stadium, Riyad Mahrez has hit the post for Leicester against West Ham.
At various locations around England, groups of men are shaking hands under duress. You know what that means: it’s football time.
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On Sky Sports, Jeff Stelling has gone off on an imperious one about Southampton’s Sofiane Boufal’s display against Spurs. “It was the most disgraceful performance by a professional footballer I’ve ever seen in my life. He did not put an ounce of effort in, he gesticulated towards all of his fellow players ... how did he come out for the second half? And how does he start today? Explain that to me.”
“Rob, you’ve summed up the ghastliness on 2016 by offering us, as antidote, the prospect of seeing whether Chelsea can beat Stoke,” says Charles Antaki. “Respect to all involved, of course, but a fitting valedictory for 12 months of spiralling misery.”
“Afternoon Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “It’s a game of guess the kick-off time in Scotland today. The game of the day is taking place right now, KO 1.30, as Dundee United - or the Chelsea of the Scottish Championship as they’re currently known after 14 games unbeaten - face Dumbarton. Although Dumbarton, or the Swansea of the Scottish championship as they’re currently known, lead 1-0 at half time. Falkirk v Hibs, KO 12.30, is 1-1 into the final few minutes. In the Scottish Premiership two Glasgow teams played at 12.15. One of them won 2-1.
“Struggling Dundee v St. Johnstone and Partick v Kilmarnock both kick off at 2.00pm, and the Highland derby between Ross County and Inverness starts an hour later at 3.00pm - don’t think that will ever catch on. The three games in Scottish League One kick off at 1, 2 and 3pm, and 2017 kicks off at midnight, or maybe earlier, who knows? Happy New Year when it comes to everyone!”
Swansea v Bournemouth team news
Swansea (4-2-3-1) Fabianski; Naughton, Amat, Mawson, Taylor; Ki, Britton; Dyer, Fer, Sigurdsson; Llorente.
Substitutes: Nordfeldt, Fernandez, Rangel, Cork, Barrow, Baston, McBurnie.
Bournemouth (4-2-3-1) Boruc; Francis, Cook, Ake, Daniels; Arter, Surman; Fraser, Wilshere, Stanislas; Afobe.
Substitutes: Federici, Mings, Smith, Ibe, Gosling, King, Wilson.
Southampton v West Brom team news
Southampton (4-3-3) Forster; Martina, van Dijk, Yoshida, McQueen; Davis, Romeu, Hojberg; Boufal, Long, Tadic.
Substitutes: Taylor, Fonte, Bertrand, Reed, Sims, Ward-Prowse, Rodriguez,
West Brom (4-2-3-1) Foster; Dawson, McAuley, Evans, Nyom; Yacob, Fletcher; Brunt, Chadli, Phillips; Robson-Kanu.
Substitutes: Myhill, Galloway, McClean, Leko, Morrison, Gardner, Rondon.
Manchester United v Middlesbrough team news
Manchester United (4-3-3) De Gea; Valencia, Bailly, Smalling, Blind; Herrera, Fellaini, Pogba; Mkhitaryan, Ibrahimovic, Martial.
Substitutes: Romero, Jones, Rojo, Schweinsteiger, Mata, Lingard, Rashford.
Middlesbrough (4-3-3) Valdes; Bernardo, Chambers, Gibson, Friend; Forshaw, Leadbitter, de Roon; Traore, Negredo, Downing.
Substitutes: Guzan, Fabio, Ayala, Clayton, Ramirez, Rhodes, Stuani.
Leicester v West Ham team news
Leicester (4-4-2) Schmeichel; Simpson, Morgan, Huth, Chilwell; Mahrez, Drinkwater, Amartey, Albrighton; Slimani, Gray.
Substitutes: Zieler, Fuchs, Mendy, King, Musa, Okazaki, Ulloa.
West Ham (4-2-3-1) Randolph; Nordtveit, Reid, Ogbonna, Cresswell; Noble, Kouyate; Antonio, Ayew, Payet; Carroll.
Substitutes: Adrian, Quina, Feghouli, Lanzini, Obiang, Fletcher, Fernandes.
Burnley v Sunderland team news
Burnley (4-4-2) Heaton; Lowton, Keane, Mee, Ward; Arfield, Marney, Defour, Boyd; Barnes, Gray.
Substitutes: Robinson, Tarkowski, Darikwa, Gudmundsson, O’Neill, Bamford, Vokes.
Sunderland (3-5-2) Mannone; O’Shea, Kone, Djilobodji; Jones, Januzaj, Larsson, Borini, van Aanholt; Defoe, Anichebe.
Substitutes: Mika, Love, Manquillo, Pienaar, Khazri, Rodwell, Ndong.
Chelsea v Stoke team news
Chelsea (3-4-3) Courtois; Azpilicueta, David Luiz, Cahill; Moses, Kante, Fabregas, Alonso; Willian, Diego Costa, Hazard.
Substitutes: Begovic, Ivanovic, Zouma, Matic, Chalobah, Loftus-Cheek, Batshuayi.
Stoke (4-2-3-1) Grant; Johnson, Shawcross, Martins Indi, Pieters; Allen, Adam; Diouf, Afellay, Shaqiri; Crouch.
Substitutes: Given, Bardsley, Sobhi, Imbula, Whelan, Bony, Bojan.
The first email of the last day of 2016
“Hi Rob,” says Philip Brennan. “Can I just send a little message of hope and cheer to all my fellow long suffering Man United friends out there in social media land: it’s been a difficult year for us not least because every small setback on the pitch would trigger a veritable tsunami of ‘advice’ from every ABU and his granny. The end of days though has yet to happen and if results go our way this weekend we will enter the new year a mere point behind Arsenal and only four behind Liverpool with half a season to go. Thank you for your time and happy new year one and all.”
Yes, they are starting to look good. It’s almost as if one of the greatest managers in football history knows how to manage a football club.
Preamble
Hello, good afternoon and happy old 2016 to you all. Let’s end this vile year on a high, with some hardcore football action. We’ll be focussing primarily on the six Premier League fixtures, listed below, and particularly whether Chelsea can move nine points clear by beating Stoke.
They have won 12 consecutive league matches and are two away from the English top-flight record, held by the great Ljungbergkamp Arsenal side of spring 2002. It’s been a staggering run, reminiscent of that monstrous 2004-05 Chelsea side, who went three months without conceding a goal in the league at one stage. This team isn’t as formidable on paper, which will give the chasing pack a sliver of hope, for the time being at least.
There’s plenty more to look forward to today, not least the existence of Henrikh Mkhitaryan and a very significant fixture at Turf Moor, where Burnley play Sunderland. By tonight, they could be nine points clear of the relegation places.
Premier League 3pm kick-offs
Burnley v Sunderland
Chelsea v Stoke
Leicester v West Ham
Manchester United v Middlesbrough
Southampton v West Brom
Swansea v Bournemouth
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