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The Guardian - UK
The Guardian - UK
Sport
Simon Burnton

Manchester United 4-0 Crystal Palace, West Ham 1-0 Swansea and more – as it happened

Marouane Fellaini celebrates scoring the second goal.
Marouane Fellaini celebrates scoring the second goal. Photograph: Paul Ellis/AFP/Getty Images

Right then, I’m off in search of a basket of biscuits. It’s been a blast. Bye!

Peter Crouch does some grinning:

They threw everything at us. I thought they played well today, Southampton. Thankfully we held out, dug in and got the three points. When you get an opportunity you just try to make an impact. It’s the best impact, scoring a goal. Of course it was important that we got the win today, after a couple of bad results. It’s a dark place to be, the training ground, when everyone’s away and you’ve lost before the international break.

I’m still here, but the action is moving elsewhere, and Scott Murray has another liveblog for you:

“Paris St Germain appear to be decapitating Bordeaux, putting the bonce in the basket five times in the half!” reports Paul Carrington. This is the first time this has ever happened.

Double substitution of the day: Slaven Bilic brought Masuako and Sakho on in the 78th minute of their game against Swansea, and 12 minutes later Masuako ran down the left and crossed, and Sakho scored the winner. Was that the moment that saved Bilic’s job (for now)?

Final scores: Stoke have beaten Southampton by two goals to one! And also, West Ham have beaten Swansea by a single goal to no goals!

Final score: That is the final meaningful moment of the match, as West Brom have blown a two-goal lead and take just a point from Watford.

GOAL! West Brom 2-2 Watford (Richarlison, 90+5 mins)

Watford take a free-kick, four and a half minutes into the advertised four minutes of stoppage time. Everyone goes up. The goalkeeper’s in there. Holebas swings in a lovely cross, and Richarlison heads in!

Watford’s Richarlison heads in from Holebas’ free-kick.
Watford’s Richarlison heads in from Holebas’ free-kick. Photograph: Mike Egerton/PA

Updated

Aha, an aspect of American culture about which I was unaware: they put scones into baskets and then call them biscuits. Also, as Richard Morris points out, scampi come in baskets. And bread.

Final score: Manchester United have beaten Crystal Palace by four goals to none.

And as I type that Birmingham score a morale-boosting consolation – it’s 6-1!

Birmingham are in the bottom three and their goal difference is taking an absolute battering: it’s now Hull 6-0 Birmingham.

Updated

GOAL! West Ham 1-0 Swansea (Sakho, 90 mins)

A low cross from the left, a flying leg flung out at the far post, and West Ham have stolen the points!

Diafra Sakho slides in to score late.
Diafra Sakho slides in to score late. Photograph: Dan Mullan/Getty Images

Updated

Paris St-Germain are 5-1 up against Bordeaux, and it isn’t half-time yet.

“‘Yes, they put the baby in the basket and sent it up the Nile! Ladies and Gentlemen.’ Priceless,” daydreams Becket DeChant. It could happen.

GOAL! Stoke 2-1 Southampton (Crouch, 85 mins)

That, it must be said, is scrappy. The ball pings about the penalty for a while before being kicked into Peter Crouch’s leg, and from there it flies in!

Peter Crouch celebrates after scoring from close range.
Peter Crouch celebrates after scoring from close range. Photograph: Craig Brough/Action Images/Reuters

Updated

GOAL! Manchester United 4-0 Crystal Palace (Lukaku, 86 mins)

That is a tap-in for Lukaku, who is all alone to convert Lingard’s low centre!

Romelu Lukaku celebrates scoring the fourth.
Romelu Lukaku celebrates scoring the fourth. Photograph: Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

Updated

GOALS! In Romania, it’s Rapid 0-3 Academia Rapid. This is embarrassing for Rapid, isn’t it?

More news from north of the border: Celtic no longer losing! Callum McGregor has his second of the day, and it’s 2-2.

“Lotion. Lotion is put in the basket. Also baby Moses. And kittens,” writes Kári Tulinius. I’m not convinced about lotion baskets, but I would love to hear a commentator use the baby Moses one.

It’s an absolute goal fiesta!

Scotland update: I say update, but it’s the first mention of the Scots today. Anyway, big news: Celtic are losing a dometic football match! It’s Celtic 1-2 Hibernian!

GOAL! Stoke 1-1 Southampton (Yoshida, 75 mins)

A corner from the left is cleared back to the taker, and this cross is flicked on and flies to Yoshida at the far post, who lashes in a lightning volley that crashes into the roof of the net!

Southampton’s Maya Yoshida volleys in the equaliser.
Southampton’s Maya Yoshida volleys in the equaliser. Photograph: Darren Staples/Reuters

Updated

Meanwhile the teams for the evening game in the Premier League are in:

Chelsea: Courtois, Rudiger, Christensen, Cahill, Azpilicueta, Kante, Bakayoko, Fabregas, Alonso, Hazard, Morata. Subs: Caballero, Pedro, Moses, Kenedy, Zappacosta, Willian, Batshuayi.
Man City: Ederson, Walker, Stones, Otamendi, Delph, De Bruyne, Fernandinho, Silva, Sane, Gabriel Jesus, Sterling. Subs: Bravo, Danilo, Gundogan, Mangala, Bernardo Silva, Alexander Zinchenko, Toure.
Referee: Martin Atkinson.

Meanwhile in Paris, these two are both on the scoresheet and appear to have made friends. PSG lead Bordeaux 3-0, in the first half.

Edinson Cavani and Neymar
Paris Saint-Germain’s Edinson Cavani celebrates scoring their second goal against Bordeaux with Neymar. Photograph: Benoit Tessier/Reuters

A chance for Crystal Palace at Old Trafford, but Sako’s first-time effort flies over.

Yes: mushrooms, laundry, these things do come in baskets.

Watford are dominating the game as they search for an equaliser at the Hawthorns, but the best they seem to be able to do is shoot from the edge of the area, and most of those efforts get blocked or deflected. Holebas just curled a lovely corner into the area, but nobody got a touch – Kabasele came closest, and some Watford players seemed to believe/hope that he’d been pushed. The referee was not convinced.

Those aren’t biscuits, they’re rubbish scones.

The thrashing of the day appears to be taking place at Burton, where Wolves are now 4-0 up. Leo Bonatini has scored the latest.

Leo Bonatini fires in the fourth for Wolves.
Leo Bonatini fires in the fourth for Wolves. Photograph: Paul Currie/BPI/Rex/Shutterstock

Updated

And now it’s Preston 2-2 Sunderland, both teams scoring in the space of three minutes! Sunderland were briefly behind.

Lovely alliteration, but totally senseless. Who puts biscuits into baskets?

Meanwhile in the Championship it’s now Preston 1-1 Sunderland, as the good times stubbornly refuse to roll for the visitors.

“How about ‘Fills the stocking like Santa’,” suggests William Ansell. Not strictly mesh-based, but it’s got a nice festive ring about it.

Today’s key Rashford-related statistics:

Palace should probably have had a penalty there. Schlupp got into the penalty area where Smalling tugged his shirt and gave him a gentle shove, but the referee was unimpressed.

Rashford’s cross for that goal was perfection. Laser-guided.

GOAL! Manchester United 3-0 Crystal Palace (Fellaini, 48 mins)

A free kick on the left is crossed in by Rashford, and Fellaini is about two yards out and bizarrely unmarked when it flicks off his forehead and can go nowhere but in.

Marouane Fellaini heads in his second.
Marouane Fellaini heads in his second. Photograph: Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

Updated

Game back on! The second half has started at Old Trafford, with the rest of the country not far behind.

“Talk of Wigan v Castleford brings to mind what is surely the greatest (and most colourful) piece of sports commentary ever recorded,” writes Lewis Jones. Nice tip, it is very good.

On the other hand, maybe it’s best avoided. “Rather than West Ham v Swansea ‘live’ on your headline can I suggest a half time substitution of ‘live’ with ‘moribund’,” writes Ian Sargeant, who is at the game.

“I’ve just got home from work, it’s 12.52am in Australia a nice bottle of Pinot open,” writes Dominic Talimanidis. “I have the option of watching any game for the next 45. Which would you recommend?” I’d recommend going to bed and then finding a different job in the morning, but failing that I think the Hawthorns has been action central in the first half and is a good option, but West Ham v Swansea might turn interesting.

The last time Michael Oliver refereed a game between West Brom and Watford, Saido Berahino had two penalties saved. The striker might have switched teams, but we’re still on for an unlikely repeat today.

“Your reference to George Honeyman ‘popping one in the onion bag’ sounds straight out of a Roy of the Rovers annual circa 1976,” writes Ewen Atkinson. “Another I recall from back then is: ‘Pick that one out of the lobster pot!’ Mind you, that could be from Billy’s Boots. Do other readers know of any affectionate mesh-based metaphorical imagery for proper sets of goals with nets?” Ooh, maybe we can invent our own? “Thumps it in the noughts-and-crosses grid”, perhaps?

Premier League half-time scores:

Bournemouth 0-0 Leicester
Manchester United 2-0 Crystal Palace
Stoke 1-0 Southampton
West Brom 2-1 Watford
West Ham 0-0 Swansea

Half time whistles ring out across the land, and at Wigan the scoreboard engineer gets to work:

Fraser Forster saves the penalty! Berahino sidefoots low to his right, but it’s not very hard and not very close to the corner, and once the Southampton goalkeeper goes the right way he can hardly fail to stop it!

The wait goes on for Berahino as Fraser Forster makes the save.
The wait goes on for Berahino as Fraser Forster makes the save. Photograph: Alex Livesey/Getty Images

Updated

Could Saido Berahino score an actual goal? He’s placed the ball on the spot …

And now Stoke have a penalty! And Virgil van Dijk, on his return to the Southampton team, has given it away!

GOAL! Stoke 1-0 Southampton (Diouf, 40 mins)

A corner from the right is fizzed into the area, and Diouf flashes a header home!

Mame Biram Diouf heads in the opener.
Mame Biram Diouf heads in the opener. Photograph: Dave Thompson/PA

Updated

Mata and Fellaini on the scoresheet, and Barney Ronay must be feeling a bit chuffed.

GOAL! West Brom 2-1 Watford (Doucouré, 37 mins)

This is goaltastic stuff at the Hawthorns. Deeney flicks on, Richarlison touches to Doucouré, and he takes the ball into the area and then shoots across goal with his left foot. It clips Evans on its way, making the keeper’s task a little harder, and nestles inside the far post!

Abdoulaye Doucoure scores to put Watford back in the game.
Abdoulaye Doucoure scores to put Watford back in the game. Photograph: Andrew Boyers/Action Images/Reuters

Updated

GOAL! Manchester United 2-0 Crystal Palace (Fellaini, 35 mins)

Ashley Young does exactly what he did last week – jink this way and that on the left wing, square up the defender, then shift the ball to his right foot and curl in a delicious cross. This one picks out Fellaini, just beyond the far post, who volleys in!

Marouane Fellaini scores the second at the far post.
Marouane Fellaini scores the second at the far post. Photograph: Paul Ellis/AFP/Getty Images

Updated

… and then down the other end Carillo has headed over an empty net from five yards!

At the Hawthorns the home side have another corner, from the right this time, Hegazi and Evans go for the same ball at the back post again, and this time the Egyptian gets there first, and heads over.

Sunderland are winning a game! George Honeyman has popped one in the onion bag at Preston.

It’s Rapid Buchurest v Academia Rapid in Romania’s Liga IV today, which appears to have thrown the fans a bit.

GOAL! West Brom 2-0 Watford (Evans, 21 mins)

And another! A corner from the left is flicked on at the near post and bundled in by Evans at the far, despite Hegazy trying to take him out in an effort to get the goal for himself!

Jonny Evans bundles in the second for the Baggies.
Jonny Evans bundles in the second for the Baggies. Photograph: Mike Egerton/PA

Updated

GOAL! West Brom 1-0 Watford (Rondon, 18 mins)

That’s pure power, strength and perseverance from Rondon! Kabasele tried to usher him safely down the left, with nobody about to offer support, but Rondon fought for the ball, kept the ball, and then lashed it in from an acute angle!

Jose Salomon Rondon scores from a tight angle.
Jose Salomon Rondon scores from a tight angle. Photograph: Matthew Lewis/Getty Images
Rondon and Rodriguez celebrate.
Rondon and Rodriguez celebrate. Photograph: Rebecca Naden/Reuters

Updated

Talking of fast-starting, orange-wearing Championship teams, Hull are already 2-0 up against Birmingham. David Meyler has just doubled their lead from the penalty spot.

Further action in those two Championship games: Sheffield United are no longer winning, Jason Cummings having equalised for Forest, and Wolves are now two up, Romain Saiss doubling their lead.

“I keep watching Roy Hodgson’s eyes when he gets interviewed to see if – like the heroic American prisoner during the Vietnam War, Admiral Jeremiah Denton Jr – he keeps blinking out ‘T-O-R-T-U-R-E’ in Morse Code, as he strains to look on the bright side of life as the manager of Crystal Palace,” writes Steven Hughes. Hodgson’s face when United took the lead was a picture, similar to Kevin Keegan’s when Newcastle conceded a fourth at Liverpool that time, only a lot sooner.

Half a chance for Palace there, as a free-kick from the right wing finds Sakho in the area, but the defender heads high.

It’s all going on at the top of the Championship, where John Lundstram put Sheffield United 1-0 up against Nottingham Forest in the third minute, and Diogo Jota put Wolves 1-0 up at Burton Albion in the fifth.

GOAL! Manchester United 1-0 Crystal Palace (Mata, 3 mins)

It’s going to be a long afternoon for Crystal Palace, I fear. Good work from Rashford on the left, tricking his way past an opponent and running into the area, and then a good pull-back (he may in fact have been aiming for Lukaku, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt), and the calmest of sidefoot finishes.

Juan Mata sidefoots home.
Juan Mata sidefoots home. Photograph: Andrew Yates/Reuters

Updated

Harry Kane at the moment (all the time, except August). Unstoppable.

3pm: and they’re off!

Players are leaving tunnels. Football is about to happen. Lots of it.

Hmmm. That may be true, but having looked at the line-ups I think they are also due to concede a few.

“That Blackburn mascot looks like he got hold of some bad chicken,” suggests JR. “What is that thing anyway? That’s not Roar the Lion. Where did Roar go? What did the Venkys do with him?” He’s probably been turned into chicken nuggets, I suppose.

Here’s José Mourinho on playing Crystal Palace, and on bringing Chris Smalling into the side in place of Eric Bailly:

Thoughts is, I trust everyone. Smalling, it’s the second game in three days. For Bailly it would be the third game in six. It doesn’t matter who you play against, I think every team in the Premier League, is a team that can take points in every stadium. I think we’re playing well, we’re respecting opponents and that’s what we’re going to try to do again.

Hang on, when did Blackburn’s mascot become absolutely terrifying?

Blackburn fans and mascot
Fans (and mascot) pre-match before the League One encounter between Blackburn Rovers and Gillingham at Ewood Park. Photograph: Rachel Holborn/CameraSport via Getty Images

Roy Hodgson talks about his team’s chances at Old Trafford. Reading between the lines, he appears to think they’ve got no chance.

We’re sorely wounded today. To come here without six first-team players, to lose Scott Dann in training yesterday was a further blow. I’d have liked to have come here with what I consider our strongest team. I think we’ll see improvements, but whether they’ll be evident today against a team of this quality, we’ll have to wait and see. I think there are signs that our team is getting stronger, and we won’t be playing Manchester United 38 times.

If you’d like to have all the Premier League teams in one place, in entirely textual form, this is for you:

Bournemouth v Leicester

Bournemouth: Begovic, Adam Smith, Francis, Ake, Daniels, Pugh, Surman, Lewis Cook, Stanislas, King, Defoe. Subs: Boruc, Steve Cook, Gosling, Afobe, Fraser, Mousset, Ibe.
Leicester: Schmeichel, Simpson, Maguire, Morgan, Fuchs, Gray, King, Ndidi, Albrighton, Okazaki, Vardy. Subs: Chilwell, Iheanacho, Hamer, Amartey, Slimani, Iborra, Mahrez.
Referee: Graham Scott.

Man Utd v Crystal Palace

Man Utd: de Gea, Valencia, Smalling, Jones, Young, Matic, Fellaini, Mata, Mkhitaryan, Rashford, Lukaku. Subs: Bailly, Martial, Lingard, Blind, Romero, Ander Herrera, Darmian.
Crystal Palace: Hennessey, Ward, Sakho, Delaney, Van Aanholt, Milivojevic, Cabaye, Townsend, Puncheon, Schlupp, Sako. Subs: Speroni, Lee, McArthur, Ladapo, Mutch, Kelly, Riedewald.
Referee: Mike Dean.

Stoke v Southampton

Stoke: Butland, Zouma, Cameron, Wimmer, Diouf, Allen, Fletcher, Pieters, Shaqiri, Choupo-Moting, Berahino. Subs: Johnson, Tymon, Afellay, Adam, Crouch, Sobhi, Grant.
Southampton: Forster, Cedric, Yoshida, van Dijk, Bertrand, Romeu, Lemina, Tadic, Davis, Redmond, Long. Subs: Hoedt, Austin, McCarthy, Ward-Prowse, Boufal, Gabbiadini, Hojbjerg.
Referee: Mike Jones.

West Brom v Watford

West Brom: Foster, Dawson, Hegazi, Evans, Gibbs, Krychowiak, Barry, Brunt, Rodriguez, Phillips, Rondon. Subs: Nyom, Robson-Kanu, Morrison, Livermore, Myhill, McClean, Chadli.
Watford: Gomes, Femenia, Mariappa, Kabasele, Holebas, Doucouré, Capoue, Carrillo, Cleverley, Richarlison, Deeney. Subs: Janmaat, Britos, Gray, Hughes, Watson, Karnezis, Pereyra.
Referee: Michael Oliver.

West Ham v Swansea

West Ham: Hart, Zabaleta, Fonte, Reid, Cresswell, Noble, Kouyate, Antonio, Hernandez, Carroll, Ayew. Subs: Lanzini, Adrian, Sakho, Ogbonna, Byram, Masuaku, Rice.
Swansea: Fabianski, Naughton, Fernandez, Mawson, Olsson, Sanches, Britton, Carroll, Abraham, Bony, Ayew. Subs: Van der Hoorn, Fer, Narsingh, Nordfeldt, Clucas, Rangel, Roque.
Referee: Roger East.

And here are the teams chosen by Manchester United and an admirably graphic-eschewing Crystal Palace:

Stoke make four changes, bringing in Cameron, Wimmer, Zouma and Berahino. One change for Southampton: Virgil van Dijk is back in the fold.

Rondon, Brunt and Phillips come into the West Brom team. Troy Deeney makes his first start of the season for Watford, replacing Andre Gray.

So it begins, with West Ham and Swansea announcing their line-ups. Two changes for West Ham, three for Swansea:

Updated

Three minutes to teamnews o’clock. The build-up to 3pm starts here!

Hello world!

So another busy Saturday afternoon awaits. Goals, excitement, intrigue – we’re going to enjoy them all* together over the next few hours. Without further ado, then, today’s incredibly awesome fixtures:

* This is not guaranteed

Premier League

Bournemouth v Leicester

Manchester United v Crystal Palace

Stoke v Southampton

West Brom v Watford

West Ham v Swansea

Championship

In which Simon Grayson returns to Preston, whom he left in the summer in favour of Sunderland. Since when Preston have the division’s sixth-best home record with 11 points from five games (Sunderland’s one from five leaves them 23rd), while Sunderland have the division’s 14th-best away record with five points from five games (Preston, with eight, are sixth again). Cardiff have the best home record of all, and are indeed at the top of the table, and they’re hosting Derby.

Aston Villa v Bolton
Burton Albion v Wolves
Cardiff v Derby
Hull v Birmingham
Ipswich v Bristol City
Middlesbrough v Brentford
Millwall v Barnsley
Nottm Forest v Sheffield United
Preston North End v Sunderland

League One

In which Shrewsbury, still unbeaten and four points clear at the top of the table, host fifth-placed Scunthorpe, who are unbeaten away from home. Something’s got to give (unless it’s a draw).

Blackburn v Gillingham
Bradford City v Doncaster
Bristol Rovers v Plymouth
Bury v MK Dons
Fleetwood v Charlton
Peterborough v Oxford Utd
Portsmouth v Oldham
Rotherham v Northampton
Shrewsbury v Scunthorpe
Southend v Blackpool
Wigan v Walsall
Wimbledon v Rochdale

League Two

Fans of alliteration, who have only had West Brom v Watford and Wigan v Walsall to cheer in the top three divisions, will positively adore the first three fixtures on this list. The leaders, Notts County, are at Mansfield but their game kicked off at 1pm.

Chesterfield v Cheltenham
Coventry v Crewe
Crawley v Carlisle
Exeter v Morecambe
Forest Green v Accrington
Luton v Newport
Stevenage v Port Vale
Swindon v Cambridge
Wycombe v Barnet
Yeovil v Colchester

Plus: non-league action as in the ultra-congested top of the National League – where the leading six are separated by a single point after 12 matches – table-topping Sutton United travel to fifth-placed Wrexham while second-placed Aldershot play Macclesfield, one of two clubs a point further back. And in other news other countries play football too! It’s top v bottom in Austria’s Bundesliga, as high-flying Sturm Graz visit St Pölten. In Sweden’s Allsvenskan two of the bottom three play each other, as Jönköpings Södra travel to Eskilstuna. And look out for Zrinjski Mostar v Zeljeznicar, first against second, in the Bosnia & Herzegovina Premijer Liga tonight.

Updated

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