Read Richard Jolly’s match report from Old Trafford:
Where do you start with that? United could have been 7-2 up after 20 minutes, yet created very little against 10 men in the second half. Surman was wrongly sent off. Arter was wrongly not sent off. Mings and Ibrahimovic got away with GBH. Ibrahimovic had a penalty saved by Boruc.
The upshot is that United are still sixth, and Bournemouth have renewed hope for their relegation battle after a second-half performance of enormous character. Thanks for your company, bye.
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Full time: Manchester United 1-1 Bournemouth
That is one of the oddest games of football you will ever see.
90+5 min Pogba misses another chance from Ibrahimovic’s knockdown! He couldn’t get his shot away and appealed for a penalty, but I don’t think it was one.
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90+4 min Arter nicks the ball from the last defender Martial (!), whose pace just gets him out of trouble.
90+3 min Pogba misses a great chance! Ibrahimovic’s header came to him eight yards out but he completely mishit a volley that bobbled miserably wide. He should have scored.
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90+2 min There has been so much incident that the result almost feels secondary. But this would be a huge point for Bournemouth and two costly dropped points for United.
90+1 min There will be five minutes of added time.
90 min Rojo’s cross is comfortably claimed by Boruc, who takes the opportunity to waste 10 seconds. You can’t blame him for that.
88 min Bournemouth make their final change: Max Gradel replaces Josh King.
87 min A point here could change Bournemouth’s season, especially the manner in which it will have been achieved. They have been tremendous after a diabolical start to the game.
85 min Martial’s cross seems to hit the arm of Smith just inside the area; this time there’s no penalty.
84 min Juan Mata is imploring his team-mates to calm down and play the ball around. They have been hitting too many long balls. This is where Sir Alex Ferguson’s sides was so good: they generally kept their nerve and kept passing the ball, even in injury time.
82 min United have been dreadful in this second half, desperate and unfocussed. That said, Bournemouth’s defending has been almost unrecognisable from the first half.
80 min Rashford is booked for shoving Smith over. That was the wrong decision as well. The referee has had a shocker. You have to feel for him; it must be horrible to be in this position. It’s not often that the referee is desperate to hear his own final whistle.
78 min Pogba is fouled 25 yards from goal by Arter, who has already been booked. The referee gives him a last warning. Arter should have been sent off but he’s hardly alone in that today. Meanwhile, the injured Mings is replaced by the debutant Baily Cargill.
76 min “Contrary opinions are surely welcome,” says Ian Copestake. “I certainly don’t take anything I say seriously.”
But why don’t you? Don’t you think you deserve more respect? Eh? Do you want some?
75 min Arter seems fine now. Ibrahomivic has a snapshot blocked and now Tyrone Mings is down in pain, holding his thigh. This game has been just weird.
74 min Rashford’s 20-yard shot deflects just wide. Bournemouth have a player flat out on his back, Harry Arter. Pogba ran into him off the ball and I think he might be concussed.
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BORUC SAVES IBRAHIMOVIC'S PENALTY!
Boruc gets down superbly to his right to save from Ibrahimovic. That’s a brilliant save because it wasn’t a bad penalty at all. This bizarre game continues to confound everyone except Quasimodo.
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Smith was so close to Pogba that, although his arm was outstretched, there wasn’t much he could do to get out of the way.
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PENALTY TO MANCHESTER UNITED
Pogba’s acrobatic volleyed cross hits the outstretched hand of Smith. I think that’s harsh.
70 min A triple United change: Fellaini, Lingard and Rashford for Shaw, Carrick and Rooney. Lingard is now playing at left-back.
69 min In a strange way that red card has helped Bournemouth. It’s made everything so much simpler, and perhaps distracted United.
68 min “Good point,” says Roy Allen. “Never liked Paulie though.”
Sil? Chrissy?
68 min This is an excellent spell for Bournemouth, who look more comfortable than at any stage in the match. As a result, Jose Mourinho is about to make a triple substitution.
66 min “I realize that Ian Copestake is an institution on these MBMs, and I’m also entertained by Ibrahimovic, but I’m of the contrary opinion that Ibrahimovic should start every game automatically on a yellow card,” says Glenn Hoddle. “This would stop him from thinking he can get away with a whole load of crap just on account of being a Lion, or a hamster or a sea-slug or whatever he is that week.”
64 min Ibrahimovic hits a poor free-kick into the wall, from where it spins behind for United’s 48th corner. Bournemouth’s defending at the start of the game was hopeless but they have been very good in this half.
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63 min Pogba beats two players 25 yards from goal and is brought down by Gosling. The free-kick is to slightly to the right of centre, perfectly for a left-footer. It’ll be Zlatan to take it.
62 min The most absurd thing about Ibrahimovic is that, despite throwing Mings to the canvas then crunching an elbow into the coupon, the only thing he was actually booked for was dissent.
60 min Bournemouth have calmed things down a little after a torrid start to the half. It’s also disappointing to note a complete lack of cartoon violence since half-time.
58 min Carrick is booked for pulling back King. “No one seems to have mentioned Ibra’s attempted stamp on Mings’ thigh just before the Mings stamp on his head,” says Simon Ward.
I genuinely missed that. The view from up Zlatan’s derriere isn’t the best. It’s a restricted-view ticket.
57 min “Is the press now so far up Ibrahimovic’s arse that even an elbow to the head is considered heroic?” says Roy Allen. “You’re normally very good but your home team bias shows here.”
If you can’t see the comic heroism in Ibrahimovic’s elbow, you haven’t spent enough of your life watching the Sopranos on loop. Paulie Walnuts couldn’t have done it better.
56 min Pogba’s booming curler from 25 yards is beautifully saved by Boruc, leaping to his left.
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54 min United win three corners in quick succession. Bournemouth are under constant pressure at the moment.
53 min A very smart turn from Rooney on the edge of the box brings a shooting opportunity, with the ball nicking off a defender and looping over the bar.
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52 min “Just as offsides should not be given against beautiful goals,” says Ian Copestake, “so Ibrahimovic should be pardoned if his violence entertained us.”
That’s a great rule, and this should be exhibit A.
51 min That red card is a shame for the game, because when it was 11 v 11 Bournemouth fancied their chances. Now even they will have to embrace pragmatism.
50 min The game is now taking place almost exclusively in the Bournemouth half. Ibrahimovic’s fierce long-range shot deflects to safety off Mings.
49 min Martial’s superb cross is headed over his own bar by the stretching Cook, denying Rooney a simple chance in the process.
47 min “Hi Rob,” says Waqas Mir. “Since they’re both getting bans after the game anyway, they should consider the second half a free hit and come out of the tunnel windmilling.”
46 min Mings crunches Ibrahimovic, aggressively but fairly, 30 seconds into the second half. There’s no way those two will be on the pitch at the final whistle.
46 min Bournemouth make a half-time change, bringing on Dan Gosling for Pugh. Their assistant manager has been sent off as well. I can’t keep up with this.
Jose Mourinho had a one-way exchange of views with Tyrone Mings in the tunnel as the players came out for the second half. It wouldn’t be remotely surprising if there’s more to come.
Mings will get a three-match ban at least. Not sure what happens with Ibrahimovic: Kevin Friend spent an age talking to him, which implies he saw the incident. I suspect the FA will do the necessary to ensure Ibrahimovic gets his three-match ban. He deserves a ban, however heroic and hilarious an argument-settler that was.
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I suppose players like Mings and Ibrahimovic might as well try to get away with sly naughtiness while they still can.
That Surman red card is a joke. The first yellow was for a very strong but fair challenge on Shaw; the second a push on Ibrahimovic in response to the elbow on Mings. In addition to that, the referee originally forgot that he showed Surman a first yellow card. It’s a Premier League farce!
“Oh, and by the way, it wasn’t a penalty but a dive,” says Adam Primus. “Stonewall dive. Go look.”
Reasons to love Jamie Carragher
“That is horrific from Mings, and he probably deserves a smack for that.”
Half time chit-chat
“Mings isn’t gonna try it again,” says Alex Netherton. “That was magnificent.”
It was very Cantonese, and extremely funny.
“Surman was sent off for charging over to Ibrahimovic and pushing him in reaction to the elbow,” says Chris Goddard. “What a game!”
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Half time: Manchester United 1-1 Bournemouth
If you live to 247, you will not see another half of football like that. It could be 9-3 to United. Mings (revenge stamp on head) and Ibrahimovic (thunderous revenge elbow) should have been sent off; instead Surman was sent off for reasons that aren’t remotely clear. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.
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45+4 min Ibrahimovic goes through one on one and is denied by Boruc.
RED CARD: SURMAN SENT OFF!
Mings and Ibrahimovic should be off. They aren’t, but Surman is! We’ve seen the replays now. Mings stamped on Ibrahimovic’s head after that tackle on the edge of the area, and then Ibrahimovic gave Mings a cracking elbow in the face. Meanwhile, Surman has been sent off for a second yellow card! I have no idea why. A very strange end to a thoroughly weird half. How did Quasimodo predict all this?
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45+2 min Yes, he’s got away with it. We still haven’t seen a replay so it’s hard to know what happened, but Bournemouth have the collective face on.
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45+1 min Now Kevin Friend is talking to Ibrahimovic, which suggests it might be a last warning rather than a second yellow card.
45 min From the resulting corner, a deep cross towards Ibrahimovic and Mings ended with Mings on the floor holding his face. The Bournemouth were straight around the referee, who is taking his time over the whole thing.
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44 min Moments after Mings takes out Rooney and Ibrahimovic with one sliding tackle, Pogba’s chip over the top is half-volleyed towards goal by Rooney and well saved by Boruc. It was an excellent save. Ibrahimovic is going off here I think...
43 min Actually that Zlatan cross/shot was going well wide. In other news, he was booked for complaining about the penalty.
42 min Ibrahimovic, by the left corner of the box, coaxes a curler towards the far post that is flapped away by the flying Boruc. I’m not sure whether that was a cross or shot from Zlatan but it might have sneaked in the far corner without Boruc’s intervention.
41 min Jones dithers and is robbed by King, who charges towards the area and hits a shot that is blocked by Rojo.
41 min What a weird half of football this has been. And yet Quasimodo predicted the whole thing.
GOAL! Manchester United 1-1 Bournemouth (King 40 pen)
Josh King takes a short run-up - and then smashes an unsaveable penalty into the top-left corner. Majestic.
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PENALTY TO BOURNEMOUTH!
A clear penalty. Pugh turned smartly in the box, and Jones ran him over. A no-brainer in every sense.
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37 min There’s an off-the-ball incident between Ibrahimovic and Mings. Replays show Ibrahimovic threw Mings to the canvas, so he’s lucky not to be booked.
33 min The game has calmed down since the goal. Surman has just been booked for clattering Shaw, though. It looked a strong, fair challenge but Kevin Friend did not concur.
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27 min “Just as ‘Yes’ transcended Britpop,” begins Neill Brown, “Zlatan’s showing us all that the Premier League is capable of so much more than the occasional decent first-touch by Dele Alli. He’s the McAlmont & Butler of the Premier League!”
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26 min Now another Bournemouth defender, Cook, is receiving treatment. Bournemouth are an absolute mess. It’s 22 years to the day since United beat Ipswich 9-0. They could have scored seven already in this game.
A corner was half-cleared to Valencia 25 yards from goal. He dragged his shot well off target but Rojo - played onside by Cook - steered it past Boruc.
GOAL! Manchester United 1-0 Bournemouth (Rojo 23)
This was overdue.
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23 min Adam Smith is down after a fierce 50/50 with Luke Shaw. It’ll give the Bournemouth defence a chance to take some oxygen as well.
20 min I can’t remember seeing a start to a game like this in years. It is comically open, and Martial has again been denied by Boruc after a fine through pass from Carrick. This could seriously be 6-2 to United.
19 min “The entire Bournemouth team looks like they have gastroenteritis,” says JR in Illinois. “As does Rojo. And Ibrahimovic. And Kevin Friend. This game is wack.”
You say it’s wack, but Quasimodo predicted all this.
18 min We’ve just seen a replay of that Ibrahimovic chance. It hit the side of his knee three yards from goal and deflected behind him.
17 min The rampant Valencia finds Mata in a scandalous amount of space on the right-hand side of the box. He takes his time and eventually his cross deflects behind for a corner.
15 min “Am I the only one who finds the comparison between Cantona and any striker who joins United and is deemed a bit different/exotic lazy?” asks Nick Parmenter. “Cantona lifted a whole club to a level it hadn’t been at in a generation!”
Yes it’s ridiculous, though Zlatan is worthier of the comparison than most. The strangest one was Larsson, who was more Sheringham than Cantona.
14 min How did that stay out? Martial slithers through defenders on the left of the box and whacks a short-range cross into the six-yard box. It looks like a straightforward finish for Ibrahimovic but somehow - and I’ve no idea how as we haven’t seen a replay - the ball ends up behind him.
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14 min Arter is booked for a late tackle on Carrick.
13 min Martial moves elegantly infield on the edge of the area and hits a low shot that is beaten away by Boruc. This is like a 1950s game. It could already be 4-2 to United.
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11 min Rooney and Ibrahimovic combine to make a mess of a great chance, and then Afobe slips when through on goal at the other end! First the United chance: they were two v one but Rooney overhit the pass to Ibrahimovic, who then miscontrolled it on the stretch. Bournemouth broke straight away and Afobe charged through on goal. He tried to go round De Gea but slipped as he did so and lost the chance.
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8 min Mata, given offside, has a close-range shot well saved by Boruc. Bournemouth are so open.
5 min Pogba almost scores the opening goal after a 60-yard off-the-ball run. When that Bournemouth corner was cleared, Shaw lumped a ball over the halfway line. It seemed to be covered but then Pogba appeared from nowhere with a majestic gallop from deep inside his own half. He got to the ball first, moved into the area and hit a low left-footed shot that was excellently turned round by Boruc. This has been a thrilling start to the game.
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4 min Bournemouth have come to play. They always do. It’s their best quality and possibly their worst. King shoves Jones over down the left and moves into the area before winning a corner off Rojo.
2 min Almost a goal at the other end. A long ball forward towards Afobe hit the covering Jones and nearly deflected past the outrushing De Gea.
2 min Rooney misses an early chance, lobbing a header onto the roof of the net. Valencia won the ball high up the field and played it to Ibrahimovic. His attempted pass to Rooney was cut out but came back to Valencia, who dinked it over the defence to find Rooney in space 10 yards from goal. He probably had time to take it down but went for the first-time header and looped it over the bar.
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2 min Eddie Howe is on the Bournemouth bench despite being ill last night. He has what the Sky commentator Martin Tyler describes as “gastric problems”.
1 min Peep peep! Bournemouth kick off from right to left. They are wearing blue; United are in red.
Ten years ago this weekend
Pre-match reading
Team news
Manchester United (4-2-3-1) De Gea; Valencia, Jones, Rojo, Shaw; Carrick, Pogba; Mata, Rooney, Martial; Ibrahimovic.
Substitutes: Romero, Blind, Smalling, Fellaini, Herrera, Lingard, Rashford.
AFC Bournemouth (4-4-2) Boruc; A Smith, S Cook, Mings, Daniels; Fraser, Arter, Surman, Pugh; Afobe, King.
Substitutes: Allsop, Cargill, B Smith, Gosling, Ibe, Wilshere, Gradel.
Referee Kevin Friend
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Preamble
Good morning, good evening, hello. Jose Mourinho has brought a strange kind of stability to Manchester United. For four months – four months! – they’ve been stuck in sixth place in the Premier League. Despite being unbeaten in that time they have moved precisely nowhere, participants in the dullest game of Snakes and Ladders ever. We shall not be moved, indeed.
That should finally change today. If United win against Bournemouth, they will move up to fourth for a few hours. More importantly, they will be guaranteed to finish the weekend in the rarefied atmosphere of fifth place.
They will expect to beat a Bournemouth side who are struggling to keep their sheets respectable, never mind clean: they have conceded at least two goals in all eight of their games in 2017. There’s a fair chance Zlatan will be assuming the messiah position at some stage today.
Kick off is at 12.30pm, and this blog is live!
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