Manchester United's mystery virus

Any old excuse, eh? "You do look a little green, but no more then usual!" honks Reuben Duffy. Photograph: x/x

"Security was called after the usual dinner ladies didn't turn up," parps Phil McMillan. Photograph: x/x

"Will Manchester United's money making trip to Africa be a blockbusting hit or a box office flop after returning with more than they bargained for," chuckles Alan Neill. Photograph: x/x

"Defra steps in," titters John O'Reilly. Photograph: x/x

"It's no mystery!" shouts Alex Keys. "It was Big Phil's first job as Chelsea manager to go to Nigeria heavily disguised as the Man Utd physio." Photograph: x/x

"Sir Alex Fergusons latest signing promised to cause a fever amongst the players and fans of Man United," writes Neil Pollock. Photograph: x/x

Jarrett Horowitz seems to have confused "Manchester United's mystery virus" with "Manchester United sell their souls to the devil". Unless he's making a clever and subtle point that's zipped over our heads ... Photograph: x/x

John Barry sees Sir Alex Ferguson in a race against time to solve the mystery. Just who is going to make him sick this season? Photograph: x/x

We think John O'Reilly might be referring to this. Photograph: x/x

We're not really sure what Sparky McManus is driving at here, but 'Wayne Rooney as an African tribesman with a hyena on a chain' is too good a concept to leave out. Photograph: x/x

Any excuse, eh? This time it's John Barry. "Fergie noticed that Wayne was looking a little bit off colour." Photograph: x/x

John O'Reilly gains exclusive footage of the disease ... Photograph: x/x