PEOPLE HOLD ON?
There’s been an awful smell in Fiver Towers this week, folks. The kind of stench that grows worse over time. At first we thought it was the sweaty leg-warmers Weird Uncle Fiver left festering on the radiator after he went on a hipster-spotting hike in Macclesfield. But, in fact, it turns out it was Granny Fiver’s tripe and apple stew, a concoction so bad it was laughed off the formica dinner table last weekend and hidden (perhaps out of spite) in the back of the larder to go bad. We’ve not seen our dear granny since, alas. But she’ll pop up sooner or later. You can’t keep a bad cook down.
Which seamlessly brings us to Ole Gunnar Solskjær, who the world has been waiting to hear from since he muttered some Big Phil Neville-isms after watching Mo Salah and co take a cleaver to his club last weekend. In the darkening days since, every Tom, D1ck and Gary has had their two pennies’ worth, with Paul Ince perhaps the most analytical, reasoning that such beatdowns wouldn’t happen if the coaching setup wasn’t “a load of b0ll0cks”.
In a carefully scheduled interview with the club’s website, Harry Maguire acted as Solskjær’s apologetic warm-up man, saying the players “let the management down, we let the staff down and we let the club down, but most importantly we let the fans down”. He went on to explain that “we’ve analysed the game and the goals and looked at how we can do better and improve” which, for Maguire himself, would mean learning not to run into Luke Shaw like a wayward wardrobe. So what did Ole learn? “We need a reaction,” he yelped. “We’ve worked on everything that needs to be sorted for a footballer: strategy, gameplan, tactics, technically. I have been through some very bad moments here as a player. As a manager two or three crises. I will always give it a good shot and fight back.”
Solskjær has been decent at getting a response when he’s stuck in a trench with bombs landing all around, but like many of our family members’ ultimately doomed marriages, there’s a limit to the disappointment and drama the other party is willing to take. Just over a year ago, Solskjær fronted up after the 6-1 home thrashing by Tottenham, calling it his “worst day”. After Sunday’s 5-0 humiliation, he experienced his “darkest day”. He’s given himself nowhere to go. Mind you, he can take comfort from knowing that saving his job in the first instance would appear to hinge on getting a result at a Spurs side whose midfield is arguably more dysfunctional than United’s. A string of lifeless performances have left Nuno Espírito Santo feeling the heat himself and, on Halloween weekend, the battle for control of the middle ground could resemble a zombie apocalypse. Whoever you support, this could be one to watch from behind the sofa.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When we understand history, we understand that racism has always been a scam. It has always been a political construction designed to smash the ties of solidarity between human beings in order to exploit certain people so that a minority can get rich” – Lilian Thuram talks to Paul Doyle. Do read.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Ronald Koeman’s pay-off (yesterday’s Fiver). Can I be the first to point out that ‘€13m large’ is in fact €13m?” – Damien Ward.
“Are you behind this?” – Peter Dymoke.
“What it takes to work in the FC Cincinatti PR department. Don’t mind that they lost all three games, conceded 15 goals and are nailed on for a third consecutive wooden spoon in a row” – Adam Hookway.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’ the day is … Adam Hookway, who wins the last copy of John Nicholson’s excellent Was Football Better in the Old Days?
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get some aural pleasure from the latest Football Weekly Extra podcast. Right here.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Christian Eriksen is not permitted to play in Italy this season as a result of his cardiac arrest and Inter are open to letting the midfielder leave.
Stable door news: Premier League suits have agreed to Amnesty International’s request for discussing the owners’ and directors’ test, following the Saudi takeover of Newcastle.
Czech billionaire Daniel Kretinsky is in talks with Gollivan over a deal to buy into West Ham.
Wrexham co-owners Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney will watch their first game at the Racecourse Ground when Torquay come to town on Saturday. “I don’t profess to be a football expert, but I see the beauty of the fan and I see it through others,” tooted Reynolds. “We’d be lying if the dream wasn’t the Premier League. We want to get back in the Football League and continue our way upwards. We want to set up a structure … unless there is a meteor and then we are [effed].”
Despite giving Ole and co a 5-0 kicking at Old Trafford, Jürgen Klopp wants Liverpool to defend better. “United had clear-cut chances which we gave them,” he honked. “We should not rely on luck or [Alisson]. I saw the first half; we gave too much away.”
Bayern Munich boss Julian Nagelsmann has defended the team after their 5-0 midweek shellacking at Borussia Mönchengladbach in the German Cup. “We are humans and not machines,” he sighed. “We should not be distracted from too much praise, that we are the best team in the world and all that.”
And Barcelona head honcho Joan Laporta has confirmed the story that Xavi is close to succeeding Ronald Koeman. “I have really good references from close people who know him better than me in that way,” he parped. “We talk as two friends and in this case my opinion is a really good one.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Get the lowdown on the Euro 2022 draw from Rich Laverty.
Three successive losses have changed the mood music at Villa, reports Barry Glendenning.
They call me “10”. They call me “things”. They call me “to look out for in the Premier League this weekend”.
TFI Friday. But do we go too far when we call for managers to be sacked, asks Not That Chris Evans.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
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