THOSE BIG VASE NIGHTS
With his team performing badly and other men already being linked with his job, Ole Gunnar Solskjær is a man – like Freddie Mercury at his ee-da-de-da-de best – under pressure. Since the end of a honeymoon period that came to a rather abrupt halt moments after the ink had dried on his three-year deal, the one-time Baby-Faced Assassin has visibly aged to such an extent that you’d now fancy his chances of being able to get a round in down the local drinker.
Speaking before his side’s Big Vase match against AZ Alkmaar, the Norwegian could have taken the easy way out by following the Donald Trump playbook and ordering his interrogators to leave him alone and “ASK THE PRESIDENT OF FINLAND A QUESTION!” But with Sauli Niinistö busy in the White House fielding queries about Jari Litmanen’s mullet, Solskjær decided to take the focus off the alarmingly poor quality of his players by moaning about the similarly sub-standard surface they are being forced to play on.
With the Dutch side’s stadium out of commission as a result of storm damage, this game is being played at Den Haag, whose artificial pitch has not met with Ole’s approval. “I’m not complaining or trying to get excuses in early,” he said, following a lengthy diatribe that made it sound suspiciously as if he was doing exactly that. “It’s the same for both teams and we’ll just get on with it.”
At home to Standard Liège, diehard fans of slightly below-standard Arsenal will be wondering where it all went wrong as their team go through the motions in front of what optimists might call a “half-full” Emirates. Further afield and with their spirit as yet uncrushed by the Thursday-Sunday grind, travelling Wolves fans have been enjoying the rare novelty of a trip to Turkey. With Nuno Espiríto Santo and his troops lining up against Besiktas, hundreds of Wolves fans descended on Istanbul’s Taksim Square on Wednesday. Imagine their confusion when, instead of getting the now traditional “Welcome to Hell”, they were serenaded by one obliging local DJ playing their own club favourite, The Liquidator.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
2 October: “Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, who is playing so well for Arsenal, probably gets a warm feeling in his heart when he is looking at his bank account but on Wednesdays he can only watch [Big Cup] and be sad” – Dortmund chief suit Hans-Joachim Watzke claims the Gabon forward only left for the cash.
3 October: “Better for you I never talk about why I really left Dortmund Mr Watzke you [are] such a clown. I remember that time you said we never gonna sell Ousmane [Dembélé] then you saw more than €100m you were the first to take that money. Don’t talk about money please” – Aubameyang’s retort.
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Football Weekly Extra will be in this general area.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: yesterday’s Last Line advert, starring Cherie Lunghi and Brian Clough playing Subbuteo to hawk Eastern Electricity. Can you imagine an updated combo today? I’m struggling to imagine Kate Beckinsale and Poch slogging it out on Fortnite to sell Alexa, or Emma Watson and FLCMFL going head to head on Fifa for Just Eat” – Rob Bartlett.
“On the subject of football club documentaries (yesterday’s Fiver), in December 2015 it was announced that a series was being made about Crystal Palace, following the investment of David Blitzer and Josh Harris. Compared to the Sunderland and Nasty Leeds series, it seems like there would have been plenty of televisual gold in a period that saw them win two out of 21 Premier League games (albeit with five out of six wins in the FA Cup), but it’s never seen the light of day. Probably for the best, all in all, though the upcoming BT Sport film about the Team of the Eighties does at least look interesting” – Ed Taylor [looks like it rocked up in the USA! USA!! USA!!! – Fiver Ed].
“Getting his contract terminated for stealing a teammate’s watch is the least of Lamine Diaby-Fadiga’s worries (Wednesday’s Bits and Bobs). He could do time for that” – Daniel Doody.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Daniel Doody.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Standard Liège fans on their way to that Big Vase game at Arsenal have managed to shut down King’s Cross station after letting off firecrackers and pyro inside.
Chelsea pair Fikayo Tomori and Tammy Abraham are in England’s squad for the Euro 2020 qualifiers in the Czech Republic and Bulgaria, but there is no place for Dele Alli or Jesse Lingard. Full squad: Abraham (Chelsea), Alexander-Arnold (Liverpool), Barkley (Chelsea), Chilwell (Leicester), Delph (Everton), Gomez (Liverpool), Heaton (Aston Villa), Henderson (Liverpool), Kane (Tottenham), Keane (Everton), Maddison (Leicester), Maguire (Manchester United), Mings (Aston Villa), Morris-Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Mount (Chelsea), Pickford (Everton), Pope (Burnley), Rashford (Manchester United), Rice (West Ham), Rose (Tottenham), Sancho (Borussia Dortmund), Sterling (Manchester City), Tomori (Chelsea), Trippier (Atlético Madrid), Wilson (Bournemouth), Winks (Tottenham).
Wales have opted for Tom Lawrence in their squad to face Slovakia and Croatia, just over a week after he was charged with drink-driving. “It wasn’t an easy decision,” blootered Ryan Giggs. “It was a case of speaking to everyone involved: my staff, the FAW and Derby … to make sure we were all singing from the same hymn sheet.”
Virgil van Dijk accepts that Liverpool were exposed by RB Salzburg before seeing them off in a 4-3 Big Cup humdinger. “Maybe a good thing,” he tooted. “We know we still have to improve and we will.”
Stoke still haven’t given Nathan Jones the boot. “The owners won’t give me an infinite amount of time,” he cheered. “Things will change in weeks rather than months if I don’t turn things around.”
And things are going equally well for Diego Maradona at Gimnasia y Esgrima La Plata, where he’s sent seven players to the reserves after a third consecutive defeat.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
What’s better than an overhead kick goal? A double overhead kick goal!
STILL WANT MORE?
It’s the Saga Norén derby, so Marcus Christenson has the Big Vase lowdown on Malmö FF v FC Copenhagen.
Won’t someone think of those poor USA! USA!! USA!!! hacks having to trail around and watch Christian Pulisic not play for Chelsea? Here’s Jacob Steinberg.
How Mohamed Salah inspired Ben Bird to become a Muslim.
David Hytner on Spurs heading down an alley of self-doubt.
What happened next to these former Liverpool managers? Quiz! Quiz! Quiz!
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