And that’s yer lot. Whatever Jose says will be up on the Guardian site just as soon as he says it, if you can bear to listen to him or look at his face anymore.
Goodnight, and travel well, my pretties.
Updated
And there it is. City were excellent for long spells, apart from probably a bit in the middle of the second half, but they were ruthless in putting their floundering opponents to the sword. That already leaves Chelsea five points off the pace, although it is obviously massively early days.
Full-time: Manchester City 3-0 Chelsea
Peeeeep peeeeeeep peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
90 mins + 3: Close for Chelsea. The ball is swung into the box and Costa gets a little touch on it which is saved, and Falcao can’t turn in the rebound.
90 mins +1: Booking for Mangala after a cynical drag-back. Philip Podolsky writes: “So harsh on Begovic, this score. He’s been superb today, a world class display. Almost as if he plays in a notoriously thankless position.”
90 mins: Three minutes added time. Aguero sits on the bench with a lovely half-smile on his face.
Mourinho will have the kit man publicly executed in the centre circle after this as a brilliant diversion. #mindgames
— Arse2Mouse (@arse2mouse) August 16, 2015
89 mins: Kolarov cuts it back to Silva in the area, but the ball is smuggled away and Toure chases Cuadrado as he brings it clear, but drags him back. No yellow card though, surprisingly.
87 mins: “Can I be the first to say,” asks Mike Hollitscher, before saying it anway, “Chelsea in crisis!”
85 mins: City counter at some pace through Nasri and others, that move sort of breaks down but then a poor clearance finds its way to Fernandinho on the edge of the box, and he fires it with some pace at around shin-height straight into the bottom corner. Great strike.
GOAL! Manchester City 3-0 Chelsea (Fernandinho 85)
Woof!
Updated
83 mins: Another change, this time for City, as Aguero goes off and is relieved by Wilf Bony.
81 mins: Toure isn’t done, as he powers through the heart of the Chelsea team, holding off Hazard before the Belgian drags him back, thus earning a booking. Toure then tries a low shot from some distance, but Begovic pushes it away.
79 mins: Easy as pie. In a repeat of his goal from West Brom last Monday, Kompany beats Ivanovic to a near-post corner and heads in across goal and in off the far. Done and done.
GOAL! Manchester City 2-0 Chelsea (Kompany 79)
That’s that, you’d think.
Updated
79 mins: Change for both teams - Sterling is replaced by Martin Demichelis, while Radamel Falcao comes on for Willian.
78 mins: Neat work by City on the edge of the box allows Kolarov the chance to cross, but he does so low and across goal and there’s nobody there to capitalise.
75 mins: A delightful roll from Sterling gets him away from Ivanovic, who resembles a slowly falling tree as he tries to get back at him, but the cut-back from the City man goes straight to a Chelsea defender.
Updated
73 mins: Frantic discussions on the Chelsea bench. “Do football better,” seems to be the theme. Can’t argue with it.
70 mins: Chelsea counter at some pace through the middle and suddenly it’s three-on-three. Costa gets the ball on the left of the box, cuts back and manages to tee up Hazard who loses his marker with a lovely shimmy, but his shot is too close to Hart who saves with his feet.
69 mins: The ball is knocked over the top looking for the run of Aguero, but Begovic dashes off his line to intercept the ball.
68 mins: Simply magical feet from Aguero, who tip-toes through a few Chelsea defenders like a father pretending to be Santa on Christmas Eve without waking the kids, but he can’t get anything significant on the shot and it’s blocked.
65 mins: City counter at a fair lick, Aguero plays it to Navas who holds, then returns to Aguero but he slips as he shoots, thus dragging it wide. Meanwhile, Samir Nasri comes on for Navas.
Updated
64 mins: Attacking move from Chelsea, who replace Ramires with Juan Cuadrado.
63 mins: Ramires slips a ball through for the run of Costa, but Kompany does well just to ease him away from the ball.
61 mins: Toure lines up a shot from the edge of the area, gives it to Navas instead who holds it for a bit, then returns to Toure after he finds a bit of space, but the whipped shot is straight at Begovic.
60 mins: All gone a bit quiet in the stands. City feeling a little tense now about their narrow lead.
58 mins: Brilliant low cross from Ivanovic, right down the middle of the corridor of uncertainty, like Danny’s trike in The Shining, but no Chelsea forward had made enough of a run to get on the end of it.
55 mins: “With Terry hauled off at half time,” comments Thabo Mokaleng, “is John Stones seat at a dark corner in a Liverpool pub thinking “I’d be coming on now, you know”?
Chelsea getting back into this one now. Hazard wins a corner on the right, but nothing comes of it.
54 mins: Chelsea win a free kick in the left channel, which Willian pops over but it takes a deflection off a defender and goes directly into the hands of Hart.
51 mins: Toure goes into the book for a rather cynical trip on Ramires. Costa wins a free kick after wrestling with Magala. Night follows day...
50 mins: GOA...oh, no, it’s offside. Hazard swings the ball over from the left, it finds Ramires free in the centre who nicks it past Hart but the flag is up. The Brazilian doesn’t realise for quite a long time, and thus celebrates at amusing length.
Ramires instructing the Chelsea fans to make more noise after they'd all realised the goal had been disallowed...oh my...
— James Maw (@JamesMawFFT) August 16, 2015
Updated
48 mins: Sterling absolutely roasts Ivanovic down the left, and the Chelsea man takes his man down on the edge of the box. Kolarov takes the free kick again, and he cuts it back but Chelsea manage to smuggle it away.
Updated
47 mins: City have a free kick from the left, which Kolarov whips over but just over Mangala at the back stick. Philip Podolsky likes big butts and he cannot lie: “On the subject of festively plump derrieres - was devastated Jovetic did one in the summer. Not quite in the league of Ivanovic, Arshavin or Nicki M, but still a joy to behold.”
46 mins: We’re away again. Incidentally, apparently that’s the first ever time Mourinho has subbed Terry.
Updated
Interesting development at the break - John Terry is coming off, with Kurt Zouma on in his stead. You’d have to assume he’s injured, or else he’s so desperate for pace at the back he needs Zouma over Terry. Still, interesting and stuff.
Oh, come off it everyone...
Eva-approved: #MCFC fan dressed up as a doctor for today’s clash. He sat next to the #CFC bench. (via @JPW_NBCSports) pic.twitter.com/m20FgswPcB
— Bleacher Report UK (@br_uk) August 16, 2015
“Radio 5 listeners were given a terrifying glimpse of Danny Mills’ private life when he likened the game’s demand for medical staff to an episode of Doctors and Nurses,” notes Ben Bennett. “My research indicates this was a failed BBC sitcom starring Ade Edmondson. Danny may well have been the only person to see it. Me informing you of this is also a rather terrifying glimpse of my own life.”
Some general half time thoughts from Lee Madden: “This Chelsea team look laboured, uninventive in possession and disorganised at the back... what has gone wrong for them? Surely it cant be just down to pre season... it looks to me like the team is one dimensional going forward, relying wholly on Hazard’s pace and skill and struggling to put even simple passes together. Ramires doesn’t look good enough to be starting in a game of this calibre and as good as some of the players are individually, this looks like a team struggling for cohesion and creativity.”
“I guess “errant” is one word for it,” writes Nate Elliott of that elbow. “Given that Fernandinho appeared to have his elbow over his own head at the time of contact, though, it’s hard to imagine it was purely accidental.”
Half time: Manchester City 1-0 Chelsea
Peeeep peeeep peeeeeeeeeeeeep. Costa was ticking after coming back on, and spent the walk off the pitch at the break chasing after his assailant Fernandinho. He wasn’t, to say the least, happy, and perhaps understandably so on this occasion.
Updated
45 mins + 5: After some lengthy treatment, the game continues with both Costa and Cahill off the pitch. The depleted Chelsea ranks eventually close in to clear the counter-attack launched by City.
Updated
45 mins + 2: Costa is on the floor, having received an errant Fernandinho elbow to the back of the head. And the medics come on again, this time helped out by the City crew. More cheering. More ‘Eva! Eva! Eva!’ This is banter.
45 mins: Instead of punching the ball from that cross, Begovic absolutely clocked Cahill in the nose, and blood squirts from his schnozz. Of course, this means the Chelsea medical staff come on to great cheers from the home crowd, with chants of ‘Sacked in the morning’ and ‘Eva! Eva! Eva!’ greeting their arrival. Clockwork.
Updated
44 mins: Massive chance for Mangala, after Kolarov whips over a magnificent cross from the left that the defender gets to before Begovic, but glances the header wide. Should’ve scored.
43 mins: Sterling’s been relatively quiet so far, but it’s the idea of him that seems to be causing problems, with Chelsea committing resources to deal with him down the left. Like mutually agreed destruction. Or something.
42 mins: Better from Chelsea, A delicious flick from Fabregas plays in Hazard, who cuts it back to Ramires but Mangala defends well to muscle the Brazilian off the ball. It breaks back to Fabregas, but he drags his shot wide.
39 mins: Hazard has been peripheral so far. They really do need him to provide something like a spark in games like this. He wins a free kick but Fabregas wastes it rather, floating a cross into the arms of Hart.
37 mins: Another City attack, with Aguero and Silva and Toure buzzing around each other, threatens. Kolarov fires in a cross-shot from the left, but it’s deflected into the side-netting.
36 mins: Now taking suggestions as to who/what Jose will cast ‘neath the bus if it stays like this.
35 mins: Brilliant stuff this from City at the moment. A long crossfield finds Navas on the right, he brings it down and it eventually finds Sterling on the edge of the box, but he fires over.
33 mins: Kompany goes into the book for a rather pointless kick on Costa’s heels out on the Chelsea left. Fabregas floats over the free kick but nothing comes of it.
32 mins: A good minute of pressure on the Chelsea goal pays off. Aguero and Toure combine on the edge of the box, he creates some space for himself then leaves Cahill for dead with alarming ease, shifts it onto his left foot and slides a shot in off the post.
GOAL! Manchester City 1-0 Chelsea (Aguero 32)
And that was coming.
Updated
30 mins: Ivanovic finds himself in some space around 30 yards out and lines up the shot, which he takes but it hits Kompany and stays away from trouble.
29 mins: Navas crosses low from the right, but Matic puts it behind at the near-post. “I’ve never really considered Costa’s not-insubstantial posterior,” writes Matt Richman, “but now I can’t escape remarking whenever it’s on screen (which is often). Thanks for that.” Pleasure.
27 mins: Chelsea medic watch: no medics required so far.
25 mins: Ramires crosses from the right but there’s nobody there, like a cartoon character taking a swing at the wise-cracking rabbit only to find him disappeared.
23 mins: Costa isn’t happy, but it’s not entirely clear why after he was penalised for blocking off Toure with some force. In fact, what he actually did was stick his not-insubstantial posterior into Toure’s crotch, and the midfielder is left writhing on the floor in the traditional manner of a chap taken a blow to the swingers.
21 mins: Another brilliant chance for Aguero, and again it’s from Kolarov on the left, who belts in a low cross that Terry rather curiously ducks under, presumably because he either thought Begovic was coming for it or that he’d inevitably score an own-goal if he did head the thing. It goes through to Aguero, who gets the finish stuck under his feet a little and it squirts wide of the post.
20 mins: Joe Hart, taking a goal kick, screams at Yaya Toure to move where the England keeper wants. Yaya waves slightly dismissively and tells him to kick it somewhere else. Excellent work by the big man.
19 mins: Free kick for Fabregas out on the left, which he swings over, it’s half-cleared and returns to the Spaniard who slips Hazard in down the left, but Matic heads his fired cross at the near-post just wide.
17 mins: And again! An almost identical effort from Aguero brings an almost identical save from Begovic, although this time there were fewer defenders in the way so he had more of a look at it.
Updated
16 mins: What a save! Kolarov fires in a low pass to Aguero in the area from the left, the forward kills the ball with insouciant brilliance, spins and fires low, but the unsighted Begovic dives to his left and makes an excellent low stop.
14 mins: Cahill tries to shepherd the ball back to Begovic, who apparently wasn’t paying too close attention and was very tardy with the whole ‘coming out to claim the ball’ business.
13 mins: City look like they’re countering Chelsea’s Ramires/Ivanovic double-up by doing a double-up of their own, with Kolarov spending as much time in the opposition half as he is City’s. Could be a smart move, particularly as there’s not a huge amount of pace in the Chelsea side for them to counter at any sort of speed.
11 mins: Hatchet man Silva takes down Ivanovic on the City left. Here’s Tim Ballantine, hating taking Christopher Price to task: “I hate to take Christopher Price to task, but logically speaking, the inverse of Tom Davies’ tweet is “Any team which finishes outside the top 4 will not have been the winner of this fixture.” Although I’ll admit that’s far less interesting.”
9 mins: Close for City. Kolarov swings over a vicious free kick from the left to the near-post, Aguero loses his marker and comes within a gnat’s eyebrow of getting something on it, but doesn’t and Begovic gathers.
7 mins: Diego Costa takes a tumble in the area and looks pleadingly at the referee, but Mr Atkinson wasn’t having any of it. They didn’t show it, but presumably Mourinho was laughing that mirthless laugh, as now seems to be his default reaction whenever a decision goes against his team.
Updated
6 mins: A calm couple of minutes. Christopher Price takes us through the looking glass: “Wait, so is the inverse of Tom Davies’ tweet also true? That whoever loses this match won’t finish in the top four? That’s the more interesting take.”
4 mins: Sterling drives inside from the left and makes good progress, before slipping to Silva who himself tries to feed Aguero, but Azpilicueta swoops in and clears over his own crossbar...but not that far over, actually.
3 mins: Sterling v Ivanovic: Pt 1 - the winger just manages to round the defender, but the Serbian eventually muscles him out. Looks like Ramires is starting on the right flank, incidentally.
Updated
1 mins: And we’re away with gusto, as Silva plays a pass so delicious you could serve it at the Hawksmoor right through the Chelsea defence, setting Aguero through on goal behind John Terry, but his finish is a little weak and Begovic makes a relatively straightforward save with his legs.
Updated
The players are out, there are some massive flags at the ground, and it’s about to go off, off, off, like a tray of cooked meats you bought from Lidl three hours ago.
Updated
Big call from the boy Davies here...
I reckon whoever wins this will finish in the top four #MCFCvCFC #opinions #analysis
— Tom Davies (@tomdaviesE17) August 16, 2015
Interestingly, Jose Mourinho has told Sky that Oscar was in the team for this one at the start of the week, but picked up an injury in training (“Not a big one...”) so is ruled out. Of course Jose doesn’t have an entirely unblemished record when it comes to looking reporters in the eye and telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but...
Some pre-match listening - Beach House’s new one. Dreamy.
Of course these two have been involved in plenty of relatively recent tussles, but one from the past is worth remembering, too. The pair faced each other in the semi-final of the Cup Winners’ Cup, Chelsea prevailing 2-0 on aggregate. Here’s the Guardian’s report from the second leg.
A couple of pieces only really tangentially related to this game, but are interesting nonetheless. First, Daniel Taylor’s piece on Mario Balotelli features a few lovely little snippets about his time at City...
Balotelli was never an outcast at City where his regular routine after training was to perch himself on a concrete step, still in his kit, and spark up a cigarette with a ginger cat called Wimbleydon on his knee, chatting to his favourite feline about how he had played. Wimbleydon was an old stray that had been adopted by City in the Kevin Keegan era and was named after the way the Colombian fitness coach, Juan Carlos Osorio, pronounced Wimbledon. Nobody spent more time with it than Balotelli, to the point that when it disappeared one evening the initial suspicion was that he had taken it back to his apartment in Deansgate, smuggled in the back of his army-camouflage Bentley.
...and then we have Stuart James’s interview with Patrick Bamford, on loan at Crystal Palace from Chelsea...
I also met with a few managers here and I didn’t realise at first that Crystal Palace were interested. But I’d said to Dad that ideally I wanted to stay close to London, because I’m a Chelsea player and although I really enjoyed my time at Middlesbrough, I was getting a little frustrated at always moving around. I felt like I didn’t really live anywhere and I thought I’m going to have to do this every year if I keep going out on loan. That’s when I decided I wanted to get my own place.”
So just one change for Manchester City, with Sergio Aguero replacing Wilf Bony from the team that dished out that paddlin’ to West Brom on Monday. Chelsea bring in Ramires for the injured Oscar, and while the line-up has the Brazilian playing in central midfield, it wouldn’t be a particular shock if he was on the right to help Branno Ivanovic with Raheem Sterling. Although, Willian could fill that role too.
Team news
Manchester City
Hart; Sagna, Kompany (C), Mangala, Kolarov; Yaya Toure, Fernandinho; Navas, Silva, Sterling; Aguero. Subs: Caballero, Zabaleta, Clichy, Nasri, Demichelis, Bony, Iheanacho
Chelsea
Begovic; Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry (c), Azpilicueta; Ramires, Matic; Willian, Fabregas, Hazard; Diego Costa. Subs: Blackman, Zouma, Mikel, Loftus-Cheek, Cuadrado, Falcao, Remy
Referee: Martin Atkinson (Bradford)
Preamble
Is this game going to be any good? It probably isn’t, truth be told. Jose Mourinho, the arch distraction merchant and the boy voted most likely to very firmly shut down a series of Premier League games to suit his own ends, by his classmates at school, will in all likelihood seal this one in an airtight box, wrap it up in plastic and bury it in the ground. Sure, it’s boring, but it works, and if you think Jose gives a single solitary big one about whether you think he’s entertaining or not, then bless you, naïve child.
Actually, that’s not really giving this minute-by-minute the big sell, is it? So, forget all that, let’s have some ways the game could be an absolute barn-burner that we’ll be bouncing our respective grandchildren on our respective knees and telling them about in years to come.
- Diego Costa will probably be playing. Anything can happen with that cat in town.
- Manchester City have just put a new tier on one of their stands. Cue assorted heeeeeeeeeeeeelarious ‘Emptyhad’ gags from the witless of the internet.
- Raheem Sterling. He’s good, and he’s just signed for Manchester City. If Jefferson Montero can pull Branislav Ivanovic’s pants down and give his capacious bottom a solid slapping, as he did last weekend, then you’d think Sterling could have a go at those buttocks too.
- Who Will Jose Throw Under The Bus This Week? A fun game for all the family.
- David Silva, the wee munchkin genius.
- The possibility of that goon who informed Another National Newspaper that Dr. Eva Carneiro was once in a relationship and enjoyed some of the activities traditionally associated with such things, because she and all the details of her life are apparently public property now, will at some point be dipped in jam and fed to some rather cross wasps.
- These are two really good teams so it follows there’s a reasonable possibility that they could produce a really good game.
- Let’s face it, watching this is better than anything else you had planned for this Sunday, isn’t it?
Oh, and there’s also a chance that Mourinho and Manuel Pellegrini could have a game of slapsies on the side of the pitch. Here’s what the former said about the man he routinely tries to belittle and undermine whenever his name comes up in conversation.
“I don’t have a relationship [with him], no nothing,” Mourinho said, before Chelsea’s visit to City on Sunday. “I don’t have his phone number, he doesn’t have my phone number. If I walk in Sloane Street [in Chelsea] and I see him, I don’t run away from him. I tell him: ‘Hello. How are you? What do you do here?’
“He has done a good job, he has a fantastic group of players. He was champion in his first season and in the second season he wasn’t champion but he lost the title to a team that had a fantastic season.”
Of course, this being the second game of the season, there’s not much tangible at stake, aside from of course the trio of points traditionally offered to those that win football games. Still, it will be a Significant Psychological Blow/Sending Out A Message should there be a positive result in the favour of either team, things that are basically impossible to quantify but that we should probably pay some attention to anyway because there might be something in it.
Going on the evidence of their respective opening games, City should be the favourites here, given that they gave West Brom a Yaya/Silva-inspired hosing, and Chelsea wheezed to a Desmond draw against Swansea, plus as a result of that game Thibaut Courtois is spending this Sunday on the naughty step, the capable but inferior replacement Asmir Begovic between t’sticks instead.
So it might be good, it might be rubbish. Only one way to find out, kidders.
Kick-off: 4pm BST.
We’ll have live coverage and team news here shortly. In the meantime, here’s one person who will definitely not be playing today:
Chelsea have been unsuccessful in their appeal against Thibaut Courtois’s red card against Swansea meaning the Premier League champions will be without the Belgium goalkeeper for Sunday’s clash with Manchester City at the Etihad Stadium.
Courtois was shown a straight red for a foul on the Swansea striker Bafétimbi Gomis, who converted the subsequent penalty past the Chelsea debutant Asmir Begovic, in a 2-2 draw at Stamford Bridge on Sunday. Begovic is almost certain to win his first Chelsea start against City, impressive 3-0 winners against West Bromon Monday, as a result.
A Football Association statement read: “The goalkeeper was dismissed for denying an obvious goal scoring opportunity in the 52nd minute of Chelsea’s game against Swansea City at Stamford Bridge on Saturday (8 August 2015).
“Therefore, the player’s one-match suspension, which is the standard penalty for this offence, remains with immediate effect.
“For a club to be successful with a claim of wrongful dismissal, it must prove to an Independent Regulatory Commission via written and/or video evidence that the match referee made an obvious error.”
