PO’GBA
On the day after Derby County became the latest in an increasingly long line of teams to take the game to Manchester United and outplay them at Old Trafford, you might expect at least some of the media focus to be on the team of fearless young go-getters assembled by managerial novice Frank Lampard, Harry Wilson’s terrific second-half free-kick or the uninterrupted series of 15 excellent spot-kicks we all just knew would come to an abrupt end as soon as Phil Jones strode forward from the halfway line exuding all the confidence and swagger of a condemned man shuffling towards the gallows. As is the way of the football world however, once the trapdoor opened under United, Derby’s stirring victory has been largely overlooked in favour of the latest row with one of his charges in which José Mourinho finds himself embroiled.
Yes, hold the back page and stop those presses! An argumentative man with a long history of high-profile bust-ups with his players has had a high-profile bust-up with one of his players. According to pre-match reports published by various media outlets on Tuesday, Mourinho had told Pogba, in front of his teammates, that he would never captain United again. Dismissed by assorted blowhards on Twitter as being biased, anti-Manchester United, agenda-driven fantasy peddled by lazy “so-called journos”, the reports were subsequently confirmed by Mourinho. Yes, he had stripped Pogba of his role as vice-captain. No, they hadn’t had a row. And yes, of course we all knew Phil Jones was going to miss that penalty.
Pogba’s crimes appear to be myriad, among them: getting lifts in a chauffeur-driven Rolls Royce, playing loud music on a bus, losing the ball against Wolves, complaining about Manchester United turning into a Crazy Gang-era Wimbledon tribute act and not playing well enough to justify doing any of those things. “You’re a good player, not a special player,” Mourinho is reported to have told Pogba. As withering put-downs go, it’s the kind of praise the Fiver can only dream of hearing from its paymaster.
This morning, relations between the pair seemed to go from bad to worse when Sky Sports recorded an apparent spat on the training ground. Presumably having “forgotten” the cameras were present because … y’know, he’s scatty like that, Mourinho stopped Pogba in his tracks with some remark or other, before continuing with an inaudible monologue that left the Frenchman looking decidedly nonplussed. It seems clear one of these men will have to leave United sooner rather than later and the Fiver is beside itself with apathy over which of them goes first.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“This has been incredibly stupid. I would like to offer my sincere apologies. I realise that I, as a professional footballer and captain of Groningen, have an exemplary role. I have embarrassed that trust” – Groningen goalkeeper Sergio Padt stands down as captain following a night in Dutch chokey after tough questions were asked on a train about whether or not he had remembered to buy a ticket.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Tuesday’s Fiver was unusual in that it suddenly made clear to me something which previously was not. Namely, why I and the rest of my teammates found ourselves face-to-face with Gilberto Silva and Nwankwo Kanu on a very rainy Clapham Common on Saturday. Of course, the fact that the changing rooms were shut for the plaque-unveiling ceremony, meaning everyone had to change on the side of the pitch in the rain, and that they will now be shut for another six-eight weeks, timed to coincide almost perfectly with the beginning of the grassroots football season, should probably have made it clear from the start that this was a Fifa initiative” – Chris Ellis.
“The news of Mo Salah’s Puskas award, voted for by the general public and assessed by James Milner, reminded me of previous football-related public participation – namely, the Irish public’s infamous attempt to vote footballer Ronnie O’Brien as Time’s Person of the Century in August 1999. Unfortunately, despite leading the poll ahead of Einstein and Martin Luther King, following technical issues on the website hosting the voting, our Ronnie was removed from the running - as ‘whimsical candidates will not be counted’. Does Fiver adopt similar policy to Fiver letters? ...oh” – Sid McDonnell.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Chris Ellis.
BITS AND BOBS
Phil Foden has dispelled the rumour that he is actually Andrés Iniesta after scoring one Fizzy Cup goal against Oxford United. “Iniesta, come on, he is on a different planet,” cried Foden, inaccurately.
Jürgen Klopp has warned his Liverpool players to take Fizzy Cup seriously, even though Dejan Lovren is playing. “If I see one player with the feeling: ‘Oh, it’s only the [Fizzy] Cup,’ then he could have a real problem,” honked the German.
The FA’s Dan Ashworth is now Brighton’s Dan Ashworth after the 47-year-old quit his technical director role at St George’s Park.
Fifa has commenced “Operation Mr 15% Crackdown”. Chief Fifa fromage, Gianni Infantino, said the agreement was “a significant first step towards … developing a consensus on how to tackle the issue of [Mr 15%s], loans and other aspects of the transfer system.”
Former Hull striker Daniel Cousin is the new Gabon coach after Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang’s dad turned his nose up at the job.
And Real Madrid midfielder Isco has been discharged from hospital after treatment for appendix-knack. “We wish him a speedy recovery,” parped manager Julen Lopetegui.
STILL WANT MORE?
The Knowledge answers the important questions such as: “Which football kits have manufactured their own kits?” and “Are there any cricket umpires who have publicly pledged their allegiance to any football teams?”
Brentford’s Sergi Canós has taken the opportunity of his sit-down with Ben Fisher to throw some deep shade at his former club Liverpool: “I wanted to be important and I didn’t want to go on loan again”.
What does Chelsea assistant manager Gianfranco Zola think about the current side? “I’d have enjoyed playing in this team,” he tootles to Dominic Fifield.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
