YEP
Two days after they tarred and feathered the most feared defence in Europe to win Big Cup by an overwhelming margin, and brought the giant urn back to Madrid for a third time in four years after producing a display of second-half dominance that cast a monstrous and fearful shadow over the footballing continent, the media are unanimous on what they consider the most important talking point of Real Madrid’s thrashing of Juventus in Cardiff on Saturday. It’s His new hairdo.
Turns out Theresa May isn’t alone in having questions to answer about savage cuts. Fortunately for Him, at least He isn’t facing calls to resign. Less happily the same is not true of the CEOs of Europe’s premier hair gel manufacturers, whose loss of their most dedicated and high-profile customer is expected to imminently lead to profit warnings. The Spanish pronounce “gel” as “hell”, and The Fiver’s instinct is that someone is about to find out why. As we went to press, His InstaFace post revealing a new look and asking followers for their approval had received a little more than 4.5m likes, which seems to be an overwhelming vote of confidence. However, in a blow both for the player and headline-seeking hacks everywhere, an online poll by British advertising pamphlet Metro found that 32% of respondents “don’t really care” about it, well below the 44% who “love it” but easily ahead of the 24% who consider it “awful”.
This was precisely the news defenders most feared. The Portuguese wizard has, after all, scored a record-obliterating 104 Big Cup goals – two of them in Saturday’s final – all while weighed down with floppy, product-laden hair. His newly streamlined self can expect to run 2.8% faster and jump 1.9% higher next season, according to aerodynamics experts The Fiver just made up. To be fair, something drastic had to be done, at the end of a disappointing season in which He has failed to score more than 50 goals for the first time since 2010 – He ends it stuck on a mere 42 – but it is now a scientific certainty that the 32-year-old’s next campaign will be his goaliest yet. Fortunately the trim took place just before the summer break, giving football statisticians two months to buy bigger calculators.
Encouragingly for fans of both Real Madrid and hair, Gareth Bale’s topknot looks set to remain at the club for the time being, after the Welshman rose from the bench on Saturday to win his second Big Medal and declare that “my family is happy and I am happy” because “we are winning trophies”, and also because he’s being paid £350,000 a week after tax and gets to live in Madrid. There’s also the bushy-bonced Marcelo and Croatian midfield schemer Luka Modric, many observers’ man of the match on Saturday, both of whom could be relied upon to vote “don’t really care” on any question concerning haircuts. And also, freshly laden as they are with significant medalware, totally superficial criticism from non-humorous football emails.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“[We are] in regular contact with the Local Organising Committee and the Supreme Committee for Delivery and Legacy handling matters relating to the 2022 World Cup. We have no further comments for the time being” – you bet Fifa doesn’t, on the day Saudi Arabia, the UAE, Egypt and Bahrain cut diplomatic ties with Qatar, accusing it of supporting terror.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
It’s the Football Weekly season finale, so presumably expect unlikely plot tie-ups, cliff-hangers and dream sequences from AC Jimbo and co.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Jerry Slaff’s memory of New York subways (Friday’s Fiver letters) is a tad shaky. Since Yankee Stadium is 120 blocks from Times Square, 10 minutes would require speeds seen on the French TGV, which our collapsing system does not resemble. The MTA’s extremely optimistic website says 25 minutes is required for that trip. Going to see the Mets is actually a simple seven-stop ride from Times Square, and that takes 37 minutes. Pedantic proof of the itineraries can be found at mta.info” –
Mitch Abidor (and 1,056 others).
“I would be interested in reading a compilation of all snipped bits from past Fivers, minus the one Weird Uncle Fiver had, mind. Were they listed devoid of context, perhaps the expert team of Fiver Lawyers would allow it” – Troy Bragg.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Eden Hazard has jiggered his ankle, meaning he’ll either be a doubt for next season’s Premier League or La Liga campaign.
Dominic Solanke’s goal means England have emulated the 1993 feat of Jamie Pollock, Marvin Harriot and co by reaching the U-20 World Cup semis.
Meanwhile, England have named their squad for the Euro U-21 Championship: Angus Gunn (Manchester City), Jonathan Mitchell (Derby County), Jordan Pickford (Sunderland); Calum Chambers (Arsenal), Ben Chilwell (Leicester City), Kortney Hause (Wolves), Rob Holding (Arsenal), Mason Holgate (Everton), Dominic Iorfa (Wolves), Alfie Mawson (Swansea City), Jack Stephens (Southampton), Matt Targett (Southampton); Lewis Baker (Chelsea), Tearaway Fiver (Fiver Towers), Nathaniel Chalobah (Chelsea), Jack Grealish (Aston Villa), Will Hughes (Derby County), John Swift (Reading), James Ward-Prowse (Southampton); Tammy Abraham (Chelsea), Demarai Gray (Leicester City), Jacob Murphy (Norwich City), Nathan Redmond (Southampton), Cauley Woodrow (Fulham).
Got, got … need!
You might want to sing this one with a hula melody: Borussia Dortmund have snaffled PSG talent Dan-Axel Zagadou.
David Flitcroft is the new manager of Swindon Town. “The club has taken its time over this appointment as it was vital we got the right man to take the club forward and give us the best chance of promotion back at the first time of asking. We are convinced David is this man,” cheered the League Two new boys.
And Kilmarnock have named Lee McCulloch as their new boss. Cue a zinger for capitalised club statement fans.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it s1ays here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Zac McEachran chats to Stuart James about life with brother Josh at Chelsea and how he’s hoping to take a second chance, starting at Jamie Vardy’s V9 Academy.
“These guys are afraid to speak to people. They don’t look at anyone. They’re like prisoners of war” – lifting the lid on the North Korean labour behind Russia’s 2018 World Cup.
Zidane the manager is already outperforming Zidane the player, writes Sid Lowe.
Poor Gigi, sighs Stuart James.
Borrowed time: Premier League loanees who could make a top-flight impact next season.
From our archive: the forgotten story of … the original Fergie Fledglings. By Rob Smyth.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
