Malin Andersson has admitted how she came close to taking her life after the death of her beautiful baby daughter Consy in January.
The Love Island star had given birth by emergency c-section at 33 weeks after noticing her baby had stopped kicking.
Little Consy had to be resuscitated just minutes after she arrived, and doctors broke the news that the newborn had a severe heart condition.
After four gruelling weeks in Great Ormond Street Hospital's NICU, Consy sadly picked up a virus and was too weak to fight it off.
Malin Andersson pens emotional Mother's Day tribute after death of daughter Consy
She died aged four weeks with Malin by her side as doctors did everything they could to save her.
Speaking honestly and openly about how she has coped, brave Malin said she has thought about suicide - especially after her heartbreaking trip to register Consy's birth and death at the same time.
"It was a few days after she died when it sunk in and I didn't leave my bed, racking my brain to come up with reasons why I should carry on living," she told Fabulous magazine.
"My mind was going crazy, but I just had to use every bit of strength I had left. I knew I didn't want to waste Consy's precious life."
Malin Andersson expecting her daughter Consy's post mortem results
Malin's ex-boyfriend Tom Kemp shut down completely and was of little help to her in the depths of her grief.
"Tom's not really lost anyone close to him so he doesn't... he says she was his too, and I know he loved her to pieces, but it's not the same. And so we just pushed each other away. We didn't want to be around each other, but then when we were apart I was lonely and sad."
Malin was still reeling from the loss of her mum, also named Consy, who had died from cancer in November 2017.
In a triple blow, Malin had previously lost her dad to skin cancer and was rocked by the death of her Love Island friend Sophie Gradon, who was found dead at her parents' home in June 2018.
Malin Andersson quits drinking as she grieves for baby Consy
It was those losses that prepared Malin for her little girl's tragic passing.
"It would be easy to feel angry. I step outside and see lots of babies and I could look at them and think: 'Why isn't my girl here?' Or I could think: 'What a beautiful baby.' It's the only way I can survive, otherwise depression will swallow me up. I'll end up suicidal," she went on.
"I've just got this resilience. It's been built into me that no one is around for long, and I guess with baby Consy I prepared for the worst."
Malin had turned to partying heavily in the weeks after her mum died, but said her unplanned pregnancy actually saved her.
Malin Andersson says 'no one understands the pain' after losing baby
"As soon as I became pregnant, I immediately went sober and started eating well and dealing with my grief in a real way," she said.
"So this little girl already saved me from going down a really bad path. I had her growing inside me so I knew I had to work harder to do things the right way."
While Malin and Tom broke up soon after Consy's death, they've recently been trying again - but she doesn't think they will go the distance.
Malin Andersson shows off C-section scar two months after baby's tragic death
Malin also feels abandoned by former friends who stopped calling and checking in on her after her loss.
But she still feels her mum around her and frequently dreams about Consy holding hands with her grandmother.
"I need to talk about her and remember her. I can feel her all around me," Malin added.
"I'll always remember her beautiful, big brown eyes. They had such a story to tell. I feel like she was an old soul and she knew she wasn't going to be here for long. I know she came to teach me something and I'm sure whatever that is will unfold."
If you are struggling and need to talk, the Samaritans operate a free phoneline open 24/7 on 116 123, or you can email them at jo@samaritans.org
