SLOG ON THE TYNE
Newcastle United are past masters at getting themselves into easily avoidable relegation trouble. And already it looks like history is in danger of repeating itself for the north-east giants. The team hasn’t been playing well in pre-season, while the club’s activity in the transfer market has been the usual flabby and flatulent fiasco. Rafa Benítez has again been promised a table, but this time he’s not even getting a lamp. So the hopes and dreams of the ever-beleaguered but always passionate Toon faithful are once more extinguished, like a roaring fire suddenly doused with a 12-pint blanket of the richest vodka-flavoured vomit.
Who could possibly be to blame for this sorry state of affairs? Well, you don’t have to dig too deep to uncover the problem. Benítez has just one year left on his contract, but he’s refusing to sign an extension until hearth-bothering owner Mike Ashley pulls a few quid out of the till to pay for investments in the academy, improvements to the training facilities, and maybe even a player or two. A promised £45m summer transfer kitty has somehow morphed into a sell-to-buy policy, and while the club have done quite a lot of selling, they’ve not done so much of the other bit. The bit that keeps managers happy and on an even emotional keel, as opposed to raging with the heat of a thousand suns and making thinly disguised threats to flounce off in the righteous style.
“I’m really worried,” admitted Po’ Rafa, the blood totally drained from his face in the wake of a 4-0 defeat at Braga. “We have to wake up. Things are not going well off the pitch and you can see a reflection of that on the pitch. You see the teams that have been promoted, the money they are spending. Put it all together and you understand why the fans need to be concerned.” Benitez considers his squad short by “three or four players”; however the lines of communication to Toon suit and Ashley confidant Lee Charnley appear to have broken down at a most inopportune moment.
“We can talk and be close,” sighed Po’ Rafa, the fight almost gone, “but after, we are not so close.” They’ll have to get talking again and quick, because there’s only a week until the transfer window shuts. The confirmation of Japan striker Yoshinori Muto’s arrival this afternoon is a good start, but he’ll need to be followed by a couple more bodies in short order, or we all know how this is going to end.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When I went to Portsmouth, it was deadline day. I was at my mum’s house and had to rush down there. [‘Arry] Redknapp was like ‘don’t worry about the medical, you’re fit, just sign’. He said ‘come on, JD, you’ve gotta just get down and score goals, you don’t need a medical.” – Jermain Defoe sheds some light on ‘Arry’s forensic transfer policy at Portsmouth.
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RECOMMENDED LOOKING
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“‘Forest Green Rovers kits will be worn for two seasons making them greener for the planet and lighter on the wallet for fans’ (Wednesday’s Fiver). Pull the other one. Somebody overestimated last season’s demand and ordered too many” – Tony Thulborn.
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Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tony Thulborn.
BITS & BOBS
Sir Gareth Southgate could be here to stay until 2022, with the FA keen on extending the England manager’s contract. “We’d like him to stay beyond 2020,” mused Martin Glenn.
Wolves could be dragged into an unusual legal dispute after a 70-year-old claimed he came up with their club crest as part of a school project. Peter Davies is suing the club for copyright infringement over the ‘wolf head’ design, which first appeared on shirts in 1979.
Saido Berahino is taking his search for a goal to Burundi, after reportedly switching allegiance from England. The Stoke forward, called up by Mr Roy in 2014 but never capped, is set to feature in the Swallows’ Africa Cup of Nations campaign.
Callum Hudson-Odoi will be sticking around at Stamford Bridge this season after impressing manager Maurizio Sarri. “He will stay with us,” Sarri swooned.
Crystal Palace’s move for Jordan Ayew has hit a snag, but they have snapped up Cheikhou Kouyaté from Taxpayers FC. “I needed a new challenge,” Kouyaté said after making the arduous Overground trip from Stratford to Norwood Junction.
EFL suit Shaun Harvey hopes there is light at the end of the tunnel for Birmingham, still stuck under a transfer embargo. “We are working with them trying to resolve how they are able to register players for the new season,” he trilled.
Anthony Martial is back in Manchester United training, but can still expect a whacking great fine over his extended break after the birth of his son. “Sorry, but my family will always come first,” he cried.
Double drat for Samir Nasri, who has had his doping ban extended from six to 18 months after an appeal by Uefa.
And in actual Fiver news: a £5 note depicting the image of Harry Kane has gone into circulation in Wales. “It could change the life of someone who finds it,” cheered its designer.
STILL WANT MORE?
Get yer Premier League previews! No 7: Crystal Palace and No 8: Everton.
The making of Frank Lampard and why he might just make it as a manager, by Jacob Steinberg.
Fans from every Championship club weigh in with their two-pennies’ worth on the pending joy or gloom. Safe to say the Reading fan isn’t feeling optimistic.
Yerry Mina in but Paul Pogba out at Old Trafford? That and more, in today’s Mill.
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