UTOPIA NO MORE
With Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini currently locked in the naughty cupboard under the stairs at Fifa Mansions – without tea, as well, so no foie gras for them! – bedlam reigns supreme at the home of world football’s governing body. Societal structures have been eroded to such an extent that the place would make a JG Ballard novel look like a Christmas special of Downton Abbey.
Sepp’s old office is currently the battleground of an almighty power struggle between warring factions. Where once there was tax-deductable order, now there is simply chaos, a massive free-for-all between David Nakhid, Gianni Infantino, Sheikh Salman bin Ebrahim al-Khalifa, Jérôme Champagne, Musa Bility, Prince Ali bin al-Hussein and – announcing his candidature today – Tokyo Sexwale. Currently they’re fighting over a tin of paint, but as the presidency is up for grabs as well, don’t expect the dust-up to end any time soon.
“I am more than ready to take on the world,” says Sexwale, fronting on nothing except bluster, becoming the sixth of the aforementioned seven candidates to put himself forward without so much as a single PowerPoint slide by way of manifesto. Champagne, for the record, is the man who’s ruined Fifa’s proud 100% indolence record there, with his fancy ideas and carefully argued visions for the future. Tsch.
While the ruling classes set about ripping each other apart in the penthouses – Sheikh Salman today was forced to deny “false and nasty” allegations of being complicit in the torture of footballers involved in democracy protests in Bahrain – some folk from the lower floors are rooting around uncovering erstwhile claims of amoral decadence. David Green, head of a rampaging tribe calling themselves the Serious Fraud Office, has confirmed he is poking his nose into a $462,000 payment delivered to former veep Jack Warner from the Australia 2022 bid committee via London. The entire place is descending into a feral hell. The discovery of a dead dog turning slowly on a spit, and Fifa will have delivered the complete dystopian nightmare.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It happens all the time. We want intensity in training. It was a tackle and a reaction and he got hit in his ear. He had to go to get it stitched and he’s fine for tomorrow. It was a reaction from another player to a tackle. I always say to my players I want 100%. They are very good at that. We have a fantastic atmosphere in the training pitch. It’s been very good lately. Sometimes it goes a little too hot” – Queen’s Celtic boss Ronny Deila reveals that Emilio Izaguirre suffered ear-ouch after being given a crack by Nadir Ciftci when a training session descended into a low-rent version of the Royal Rumble.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re yesterday’s Quote of the Day. OK. I’ll ask. Just how effing tall are the Portakabins in Barnsley that you would need a ladder to get someone down from them?” – Flavio L’Abbate.
“In Friday’s Quote of the Day, José Mourinho said ‘You don’t get from me good and funny headlines’ – can I be the first of 1,057 obvious-joke-makers to ask how long he’s been moonlighting at the Fiver, and why no one spotted it before?” – Ed Taylor.
“I’m no financial whizz – indeed I wouldn’t recognise an arbitrageur if s/he hit me in the face with an undervalued public utility IPO – but Google and I are pretty certain that even turnover as impressive as £344.5m doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s enough cash slopping around to be able to afford to stump up £60K. Doesn’t it depend on what’s on the other side of the P&L account?” – Steve Allen (and absolutely no others).
“I agree with everything Philip Smith says (Monday’s Fiver letters), and am even more impressed that he has, surely deliberately, chosen to bait the 1057 by omitting the exclamation mark when referencing post rock heavyweights Godspeed You! Black Emperor” – Gloria Sa Porta.
“While Levez Vos Skinny Fists Comme Antennas to Heaven is certainly the archetypal GY!BE album, I’m tempted to suggest that Asunder! Sweet and Other Distress might actually be better (if only to rile Philip Smith). I think we would both agree that Mogwai have been flogging the same dead horse to diminishing returns for years now though” – Simon Garner.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Flavio L’Abbate.
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BITS AND BOBS
A representative of Dynamo Kyiv’s Olympic Stadium has denied reports that their director proposed to combat racism on the terraces by segregating black supporters.
Micah Richards has been charged by the suits at the FA for being pwopa naughty in the tunnel after Aston Villa’s defeat by Swansea.
Those same Football Association suits are to be questioned next month on their handling of anti-discrimination cases including that of the former Chelsea doctor Eva Carneiro.
Former referee Keith Hackett is still trying to expand the Keith Hackett brand by saying things. “It’s my firm belief that there needs to be an urgent summit meeting between José Mourinho, Bruce Buck, the chairman of Chelsea, Richard Scudamore, the chief executive of the Premier League, and Mike Riley, general manager of PGMOL,” he peep-peep-peeped.
Thierry Henry reckons Pep Guardiola is so sick of currywurst that he’ll be off to the Premier League soon enough. “I think eventually he will come,” he soothed, while gazing at a reflection of himself. “He’s a competitor, he will want to win a title in every league possible.”
If you thought that a few draws would have Jürgen Klopp feeling like a flop, then you are wrong. He is a shining beacon of positivity and he is especially positive about the progress Liverpool have made under him. “I’m surprised how big the steps are that we did,” he honked.
And in other positive Liverpool news, Daniel Sturridge will be missing again when his side lose to Bournemouth on penalties in the Fizzy Cup due to knee-knack aggravated by hip-arrgh, caused by hamstring-twang brought about by thigh-ouch etc and so on.
STILL WANT MORE?
This week’s The Gallery stars whatshisname, you know, the one who does the goals for Leicester? Um, yeah, used to play non-league. Ah that’s it, Jimmy Vardy.
Eight men are contesting next February’s Fifa presidential election but they give little hope of a radical post-Sepp Blatter reform at world football’s governing body, despairs Owen Gibson.
If you are wondering why Dele Alli is learning French, smoking cigarettes, reading existential philosophy and cycling to the local bakery each morning for a baguette, it’s because he is doing one to PSG. So reckons the Rumour Mill anyway.
Gregg Bakowski had nothing better to do this morning so he put together a quiz on José Mourinho and verbal pelters. You can test your knowledge here.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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