THE SOUND OF INEVITABILITY
While everyone else in England was getting very excited watching Germany lose to Sweden on Saturday night, The Fiver was busy resisting the urge to shout “ACHTUNG! FOR YOU, JÉRÔME, ZE ETHICS WORLD CUP IS OVER!” at the television. We’ll leave that kind of coarse jingoism to $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, who really should have known better than to tempt fate by riffing on Germany’s misery. Let’s face it, it was never going to last. Make the Schadenfreud-ometer™ rattle as much as you like, but we’ve all seen this play before. Spoiler alert: it ends with John Stones, England’s Golden Boot-in-waiting, scuffing a sad penalty straight at Manuel Neuer and sending Germany into the semi-finals at the expense of Gareth Southgate’s darts whizzes.
Poor Morris Dancing Fiver, who was just about to compose a biting tweet to Angela Merkel when Toni Kroos stepped up to take that free-kick. Oh, that free-kick. The Fiver hasn’t seen such calmness under pressure since it was confronted by a blank page five minutes before deadline and responded by mailing out an old edition from 2002! We’re pretty sure nobody noticed. Quality control isn’t what it used to be. Anyway you probably stopped reading after the first paragraph. Blah blah blah, never write off the Germans. Blah blah blah, 22 men or fewer chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end the Germans always win. Blah.
Of course, the holders still have a job on their hands despite that last-gasp win. Group E remains very much alive, with Germany meeting South Korea and Sweden playing Mexico on Wednesday. The Fiver’s far too thick to work out all the permutations, but it knows that all four teams can still progress. Even Mexico, the team of the tournament so far, will be in danger of going out if they lose to Sweden and even South Korea, who have lost their first two games, could go through if they beat Germany. The tension is bound to be high, just as it will be when Group F draws to a close. Switzerland will hope to guarantee their place in the round of 16 by beating Costa Rica, who are already out, and a win for Vladimir Petkovic’s side would mean only one of Brazil and Serbia going through.
By now smarter readers will have spotted that there’s a chance of Brazil and Germany being knocked out of the first round on the same day, making England’s path to glory even more inevitable. That seems unlikely, though. In fact the only way to salvage the situation now is for Branislav Ivanovic to spend 90 minutes booting Neymar into the air in the comedy style when Brazil play Serbia. That isn’t too much to ask for, is it?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’ve bunkered up with some Mexican grub, and it’s the last time I’ll eat it if Mexico knock Sweden out” – 148-cap former Sweden international Anders “Taco” Svensson, the country’s foremost Mexican food ambassador, reveals he could soon be searching for a new nickname.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest World Cup Football Daily podcast, with Max Rushden and co, and you can find it in this general area every matchday evening.
'That team stinks' - @bglendenning joins @MaxRushden and co to talk about #Fra's poor showing, #Arg's great escape, #Nga's narrow defeat and so much more on #WorldCup Football Daily. Listen here - https://t.co/3BGDqqgzyU pic.twitter.com/zLcjCLNtb6
— Guardian sport (@guardian_sport) June 27, 2018
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Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.
FIVEЯ LETTERS
“With Portugal coach Fernando Santos saying ‘It got a bit weird’ in reference to VAR (yesterday’s FiveЯ), it dawned on me: does Weird Uncle Fiver have a penchant for Russia at this time of year? Perhaps he has VIP passes to the Ethics World Cup and is running these VAR shenanigans?” – Dale Cose.
“Tony Crawford’s Scotland illustration (yesterday’s FiveЯ letters) gave Arran and Kintyre an eye-watering new look. I’m guessing Frank McAvennie?” – Will Laidlaw.
“Wow! The first goalless draw of this World Cup. And who’d have guessed that dear old FiveЯ would correctly guess it? Oh what the World Cup can do!” – Frank Chibundu Agu [Nigeria-Argentina too – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day and, with it, a copy of World Cup Nuggets by Richard Foster is … Tony Crawford, even if it’s a day late.
BITS AND BOBS
Diego Maradona will be fit and healthy to flick some birds at France fans after being checked by a doctor after Argentina’s late win over Nigeria. “I want to tell everyone that I am fine,” he cheered.
Meanwhile, Lionel Messi says God masterminded the 2-1 win over Nigeria, something which came as news to both Jorge Sampaoli and Javier Mascherano, who assumed they had been managing the side. “I knew that God was with us and would not leave us out [of the competition],” reckoned Messi.
Iceland joined Nigeria in being knocked out, but their prime minister is still feeling upbeat. “It’s been extremely inspiring for all of us in Iceland to see how their belief in the team and its possible success, despite the odds, has carried them this far,” thunderclapped Katrin Jakobsdottir.
After Denmark’s 0-0 draw with France meant Harry Kane was unable to chalk up another Christian Eriksen goal as one of his own, the England striker has told Gareth Southgate he wants to start against Belgium to continue his pursuit of the Golden Boot. “As a manager you have to think of the whole squad and then your second thought is for individuals,” parped Southgate.
England fans could expose a loophole in Russian security service’s visa system by travelling to the World Cup without a ticket. Or at least they could before this story.
And non-World Cup dept: Manchester United hope the revolving door they’ve installed in their Do One departure gate will send Marouane Fellaini straight back to them before his contract expires. Happy Wednesday, United fans!
STILL WANT MORE?
Who are the worst-performing teams to get out of their World Cup groups? The Knowledge has the answer.
No more years of hurt? Paul MacInnes on the resurgence of Three Lions.
Kieran Pender reports on the flamin’ tepid exit of those Socceroos.
A look at the oddest tie-breaking rules in World Cup history.
VAR: the verdict so far.
Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Test your knowledge of World Cup stadiums.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
