‘SO TURN AROUND AND I’LL PICK UP THE SLACK’
When The Fiver read that Leicester City’s owner, Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha, had arranged for several monks to visit the King Power Stadium and talk to the club’s players, spreading calm and righteous vibes, we wondered just what the hell had come over the manager of Nasty Leeds and his family. Then we ran out of Tin and read the paper more closely, noticing it was several months old and the monks in question are of the Buddhist kidney and have been travelling regularly to Leicester for a long time now, on loan from the Wat Traimit Withayaram Woraviharn Temple in Bangkok. Make no mistake, these are top, top prayers.
Even though The Foxes and Monks could be the name of one of those pubs from which The Fiver is barred, we can’t claim to know any details whatsoever about the exchanges that have taken place between Leicester’s players and their spiritual helpers. Perhaps a more contemplative strain of b@ntz has taken root in Leicester’s changing room and, say, Robert Huth has been going around since the defrocking of Claudio Ranieri and sticking pointed quotes from the Buddha on the backs of certain players. Stuff such as: “The evil deeds were only done by you, not by your parents, friends or relatives; and you yourself will reap the painful results.”
All we can say for sure is that, thanks to their berobed guests, Leicester players must be well aware of the concept of karma. Which means that they may figure that there is, in fact, an understandable explanation for the news that made us spew a whole new can of Tin all over today’s Big Paper: Leicester City have only gone and held talks about hiring Mr Roy as manager!
The Fiver’s immediate reaction to hearing this news was to blurt: “Mr Roy is a total stick!” Yes, stick. Because if Leicester’s players have in the past been offered an abundance of carrots in the form of, um, pizzas, cars and bumper new contracts, it seems that now is the time for them to be threatened with a complete stick. If they don’t perform for Craig Shakespeare, they could be handed over to Mr Roy. Fearless? The Foxes shouldn’t be.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I always told myself: never replace a coach by sitting in his chair yourself. It is not the correct thing to do. It brings bad energy. My father was a man of principles and one thing he always told me is if you have a doubt between a human decision or a professional decision, always follow the human decision. If you take the right human decision in the end everything will be OK” – Maccabi Tel Aviv sporting director Jordi Cruyff tells Amy Lawrence why he sacked himself, despite winning eight of his nine games after stepping into the hot seat.
TURGID B@NTER OF THE DAY
“I respect your opinion, and as a defender I look up to you and what you’ve achieved. However, I won the league you haven’t” – an exchange on social media aberration Twitter between Leicester’s Danny Simpson and Jamie Carragher reaches its inevitable destination.
FIVER LETTERS
“If Premier League-winning manager Claudio Ranieri had to be dismissed to get Leicester performing, who on earth needs to be dismissed to make The Fiver funny?” – Martyn Shapter.
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver. Cinema Goer Falling Over in the Foyer and Throwing Their Popcorn Up in the Air was indeed the funniest thing ever in The Fiver but, spookily, it is also an anagram of Ranieri Out. And some other letters” – Mark Robinson.
“Sunday’s cup final brought to my mind the most important issue: the League/Coca-Cola/Milk/Love Honey/Findus Crispy Pancake Cup is the worst trophy. I mean, worst actual trophy. A good trophy should really have either no handles, a la the World Cup, Charity/Community Shield or Euro/Big Vase, or two handles a la the Premier League, Big Cup or FA Cup. That way, either one triumphant representative of the winning team can easily hoist it aloft or, in the latter’s case, two representatives (eg the captain, long-serving manager, and/or Plain Old John Terry) can lift it together. But three handles? Who is that even designed for? I would applaud any team willing to put in the hours on the training pitch to devise a choreographed way for all three handles to be used but let’s face it, modern footballers are more interested in their dabbing and DS consoles to do that. Pampered prima donnas the lot of them. Oh, and in case you’re wondering [take a wild guess – Fiver Ed], I’m also not happy with the European Championship trophy. I can’t decide if it’s no handled or two-handled. Political correctness gone mad” – Mike Coxon.
“Was The Fiver so moved by Papa Claudio’s sacking that, giving up on its perennially feeble attempts at humour aside, it also decided to misdirect us from its one guaranteed source of genuine humour: David Squires’ cartoon (yesterday’s Still Want More)?” – Yash Anand [not moved, just attaining usual standards. Here’s your Squires – Fiver Ed].
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Martyn Shapter.
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BITS AND BOBS
Hat salesman Daniel Sturridge is set for a change in his part-time footballing endeavours. “We all play for our future, myself included,” sniffed Liverpool boss Jürgen Klopp. “I have no idea what happens in the summer. It is not only Daniel but a lot of players.”
Liverpool, meanwhile, made a £19.8m loss in the financial year ending 31 May 2016, though their social media following climbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Leyton Orient’s fans’ trust will hold a meeting on Thursday to raise money towards a “disaster recovery” fund, after HMRC served a winding-up petition on the club for tax-knack. “The coming days and weeks may be the most important in Orient’s 116-year history,” read a statement.
Newcastle are a step closer to a Premier League return after a dramatic late 2-1 comeback at Brighton. “I see us bouncing back, because we have to,” declared Albion’s Chris Hughton.
League One strugglers Chesterfield have shown director of football Chris Turner the door. “As part of necessary cost-cutting measures, I have carried out a full audit and it is with regret that the position is redundant,” sniffed secretary Ashley Carson.
And Charlton boss Karl Robinson is feeling funky after the Addicks’ 4-3 defeat at Shrewsbury. “For too long too many people have dodged bullets, and the manager has always been the one who gets it in the neck,” he sniffed. “It can’t be six, seven, managers. It can’t be the lack of funds that have gone in. At some stage players have to stand up and be counted.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Footballers and the meaningless old chestnut of ‘not trying’. By Marina Hyde.
Eibar are on the edge of Europe. Sid Lowe tells the latest chapter in their remarkable story.
Has a team ever been presented with the wrong trophy? The Knowledge has the answer, as well as a number of ridiculous own goals scored direct from teams’ kick-offs.
Jürgen Klopp has joined Arsène Wenger under the microscope before Saturday’s crunch Liverpool v Arsenal game, writes Paul Wilson.
Luis Miguel Echegaray has a chin-wag with new Atlanta United manager Tata Martino.
From the archive, but well worth checking out: Stamford Bridge, then and now.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
