SOMETIMES I THINK SITTING ON TRAINS
Football is a wonderful thing. People like football. People can spend hours talking about football. You’re here because you like football, and biting satire. Chances are you pay through the nose to watch football on a variety of subscription channels, even though you know the television companies don’t really care a jot about the fans, so much so that they’re willing to put Arsenal v Liverpool on Christmas Eve, just because they can. You keep tuning in, though, because football’s great. It’s so great that oil-rich nations use it as a means to flaunt their power to the world. People will carry on watching, though, because there really is no better form of entertainment. Here, even The Fiver secretly likes football, although don’t tell anyone, else it’ll be forced to give your email address to Weird Uncle Fiver.
All of which leads to one burning question: how is it possible that England, even as they secure their qualification for the World Cup, can contrive to make it look so mind-numbingly dull? There were times during Thursday night’s aching tedium when The Fiver consoled itself with the knowledge that at least England looked like major contenders for the world paint-drying championship, only to realise they would go out in the first round as a result of Jordan Henderson dithering over whether to daub the wall in red or white paint before eventually giving the brush to Gary Cahill, who would swiftly shuffle it on to John Stones for an elaborate swivel and underarm lob in the general direction of a rampaging Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, who, failing to take enough care of his surroundings, would trip over the red bucket of paint and fly headfirst into the wall, leading to calamity, an ignominious exit, national shame, tears, calls for root and branch reform.
Yes, The Fiver did spend a lot of time daydreaming while events unfolded at Wembley. It was either that or chewing off the fingers on its right hand and it seems many in the crowd were of a similar mind, judging by the origami exercise that briefly livened things up in the second half. In the end, Harry Kane’s toeboot spared England from a chorus of boos at the final whistle. Instead they earned themselves a hearty round of yawns and shrugs, the kind of reaction that means this is the point when we’re all meant to say something vague and hopeful like “maybe the lack of anticipation will actually help them?!” or “I’ll just be happy if I see a bit of spark and fight!”, but come on, that’s only happening if Nice Gareth remembers to bring the paint to Russia.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Being young, relatively attractive and female, all those things counted against me. I was made into this caricature and had the most horrible things you can say about being a woman, people calling me a bimbo. If I’d known the abuse I was going to get I’d never have done it but you just have to keep your head down and get on with it” – Mansfield Town’s Carolyn Radford gets her chat on with Martha Kelner.
NEXT GENERATION 2017
Sixty of the best young footballers in the world, who weren’t even born when The Fiver began – it’s our Next Generation class of 2017. And see if our 2016, 2015and 2014 picks were actually any good or not by checking on their progress here.
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FIVER LETTERS
“It was very sad to find out that Equatorial Guinea have been banned from the Women’s World Cup in 2019 by Fifa after picking 10 Brazilian players who were ineligible and then faking some documents? Why 10? Why not 11? Do they have one good player? And if so, can they help Crystal Palace out?” – Noble Francis.
“Ange Postecoglou, after Australia’s flamin’ 1-1 draw with Syria in Malaysia, seemed to put too much blame for the poor result on the fact that they played away from ‘home’. My single question is: did Syria play at ‘home’ yesterday?” – Frank Chibundu Agu.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Noble Francis. And what?
BITS AND BOBS
Argentina, eh? One game from the World Cup finals, but also one game from elimination, national shame, tears, calls for root and branch ref … “Our situation is not very comfortable,” sighed coach Jorge Sampaoli after a 0-0 draw at home to Peru left them outside of the South American qualifying spots. “It would really be unfair if a group that put it all out there like they did does not advance.”
Scotland are coming up on the rails so heading for the inevitable. But still, Wee Gordon Strachan is P.U.M.P.E.D. “I genuinely thought we would score, regardless of when that was,” he roared after the late 1-0 win over Slovakia. “At no time did it feel really stressful.”
Michael O’Neill will risk having key players banned for a World Cup play-off should Norn Iron 1-0 need a result in Norway to seal their place. “I don’t have four players from Bayern Munich on my bench,” he sniffed after the 3-1 defeat by Germany.
Jupp Heynckes is back, baby, and will manage Bayern Munich until the end of the season. “He is, at this moment in time, the ideal coach for FC Bayern,” parped Karl-Heinz Rummenigge with the inevitable caveat.
The Under-17 World Cup is go.
And Andrés Iniesta has seen your buyout clause and raised it by signing a contract for life with Barcelona. “Today is a very special day for me, one of many here for the simple fact I’m continuing at this place which is my home, which means I can continue to aspire to win things for this club, my club,” he whooped. “This is the club where I grew up and evolved and I feel privileged to be its captain.”
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
Thousands of young players wash through club academies each year, their dreams of a pro career shattered. Is football doing enough to look after them? David Conn investigates.
Forget his knack-ravaged later years and anodyne punditry, L’il Mickey Owen was once exceedingly good at football, and Jacob Steinberg’s Joy of Six will remind you precisely why.
“Watching England is like watching a 12-round undercard wrestle-off between a pair of ponderous 15st taxi drivers.” Few words go unminced in Barney Ronay’s withering verdict on that numbing win.
The game-playing between the remote billionaires who own Arsenal has left fans feeling ostracised and with few ways to air their frustrations, sighs Amy Lawrence.
Film! Film! Film! Watch! Watch! Watch!
And these are tense times for USA! USA!! USA!!! boss Bruce Arena as he takes his team into their must-win qualifier against Panama. “It’s absolutely massive,” roars Steve Brenner in this pre-match preview.
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