Priya Joe-bhai Biden,
Firstly, hardik subha congratulations on your win. We always knew it would be you. The fact that Diwali coincides with your victory, let us be clear, is no coincidence. Our infallible panchang clearly mentions US’s return to Ram Rajya in 2020. So the fireworks you’ll be seeing from space over our great land are entirely in your honour.
Might as well share this with you now: while the general belief was that the diya lighters and thali clangers were chanting ‘Go-Corona-Go’ a few months ago, if you listen carefully to the new, remastered footage, you will realise our patriots were actually chanting ‘Go-Donald-Go’. We didn’t want to reveal that too early. As you well know, all our master strokes are announced with such sheer suddenness that even Alfred-bhai Hitchmurga can’t see them coming.
We fooled you, too, didn’t we, by loudly declaring ‘Ab ki baar, etc’ at that big do in Houston, lol! That was a classic bait and switch, dost. It is called statecraft. Which is just like paper craft. (Both use glue and glitter to make flimsy things look grand.)
What you didn’t know is that every arrhythmic dancer, off-key singer and idiot performer at that event knew we meant the opposite. And voted for you! It is just like how we talk of Gandhiji’s values here when we are actually referring to you-know-who’s, rofl.
As you know, our culture is all about grand spectacle. And by that, we don’t mean Bulgari, lmao. If you have checked our epics, Baahubali 1 and 2, you’d know what we mean.
So it is time you visited our ancient, wise, all-knowing land, Joe-bhai. We will arrange a spectacular event for you. In fact, it could have a mellifluous, rhyming/alliterative name, as is our custom. How about Maidan Pe Biden? Or Majama With Joe Mama? Or Kem Cho, Joe?
Then there is Kamala-ben, of course. You have to bring her. She is our beti, after all. Just like Indira-ben. Not that one, the other one, the Nooyi-wallah. There is also Padma-ben Lakshmi. Did you know all these girls are Madrasis? That means they don’t know Hindi. But we still respect them deeply. That is how tolerant we are.
Anyway, coming back to Kamala-ben Harihar, we could have an event for her, too. Like Goddess Saraswati, she could emerge from a lotus. Her name means lotus, by the way. And we could call it Lotus Mein Flotus (we do know she isn’t the First Lady but so what).
Let’s talk menu. Fusion is how we are seeing it. Dhokla burgers, for a start. That is two theplas with a dhokla in the middle. To be washed down with chilled thandai-shakes.
Say yes, Joevardhan Bidendas. It’ll be fun. We have, after all, explained how we were always for you. Now it is time for rib-crunching hugs and thigh-slapping laughs. We will give you double dose of Coronil, worry not. You’ll be perfectly safe.
We could fly in our seaplane over our Ganga Maiyya. We could gossip about Nehru and Edwina. You could ride in the bullet train (not the real thing, the scale model that Sambitji plays with). You could do an interview with Arnab... if he is free. So much to do.
If that isn’t enough, see how much we totally have in common.
You are from Delaware. We are known for software. You worked with Obama. We are full of Majama. You have White House. We have Tejo Mahalaya. You have Vin Diesel ...
So do come.
Yours sincerely,
1.3 Billion Indians
Krishna Shastri Devulapalli is a satirist. He has written four books and edited an anthology.
