OH FERNANDO!
Liverpool’s supporters have long been renowned as a detached and indifferent bunch who could never be accused of being even remotely sentimental, but The Fiver is prepared to bet even those Koppites with the flintiest of hearts shed a salty tear upon hearing their former hero, Fernando Torres, has announced his retirement. Madrileño by birth but Scouse by the grace of God, the freckle-faced striker who achieved hero status with Atlético Madrid by helping to secure their return to the Spanish top flight before his move to Merseyside may look 12 years old, but is in fact 35.
And following a long and largely successful career in which he won such insignificant baubles as a World Cup, two European Championships, one Big Cup, two Big Vases and an FA Cup, he has finally decided to put himself out to pasture. “I have something very important to announce,” he declared on social media disgraces today, before a statement you just kind of knew wouldn’t comprise him effing and jeffing his way around a messy Miami hotel room. “After 18 exciting years, the time has come to put an end to my football career. Next Sunday, the 23rd at 10am local time in Japan, I will have a press conference in Tokyo to explain all the details. See you there.”
While it is in Japan, with Sagan Tosu, that Torres has been playing out his dotage, it is his spells with his boyhood club Atlético and Liverpool for which he will be best remembered. “Atlético is my club but I still support Liverpool and I want them to win every game, every trophy,” he told Simon Hughes in 2017, when the writer travelled to the outskirts of Madrid to get the skinny on a certain ill-fated £50m move to Chelsea. Citing irreconcilable differences between himself and a board he felt demonstrated an obvious lack of ambition by selling off all their best players, Torres decided to join the exodus for the door marked Do One. “The stories that appeared in the press changed the view of everybody including myself,” he said. “It was not the truth. The truth was that I moved from my home to a club that was ready to win. When I left, there was not a single piece of the winning culture left.”
Despite going on to win an enviable amount of silverware with clubs elsewhere, Torres won nothing at Liverpool beyond local hearts. “The reason to move was to win trophies and I did,” he explained, when asked if he wished he hadn’t moved to Chelsea. “It is silly to regret something you wanted but maybe you realise it does not bring you contentment.” Now all grown up and with a great and glorious future behind him, we hope the “The Kid” – one of football’s gents – has achieved all he’d ever hoped for.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I just thought: ‘Life’s too short, I’m not enjoying football, I do have other interests,’ so it was the right time to do it. My mum would have been exactly the same as my auntie, crying her eyes out if she had seen me on a horse. Even when she came and watched me play football, if someone hit me too hard she would be really annoyed and be like: ‘What are they doing to my baby?’” – former Coventry midfielder Jay Tabb on how he switched careers to being a wee jockey with ambitions to ride at the Cheltenham Festival.
FIVER LETTERS
“More disturbing internet searches (Fiver letters passim). I typed ‘funny tea-timely email’ into a search engine. The Fiver came up as the ninth result. Ninth!” – Mike Wilner.
“I saw Jesse Lingard’s buffoonery on social media disgraces and couldn’t quite make up my mind. On the one hand it’s social media disgraces, so watch it or don’t, who really cares? However, on the other, footballers need to be careful. When QPR went down several of their players were seen on the pitch laughing and goofing around, which caused some pretty deep resentment from a lot of fans. As did Joleon Lescott’s £122,000 car photo as Villa were relegated. Football players are ludicrously privileged and enjoy astronomical salaries, many, many times the national average and they need to be very careful people don’t see behind the curtain. If footballers want to continue bathing in baubles and trinkets, they need to wise up and play the part they’re given. I don’t think it will be much longer until the bubble bursts, so it’s probably best they don’t help poke at it with sticks” – Marten Allen.
“Frank Lampard’s Derby County finished one point above Middlesbrough last season. Frank Lampard’s Derby County’s Frank Lampard is being targeted for a top-four Premier League job, while Tony Pulis at Boro gets his P45. Maybe Tony needs a few more cheerleaders in the media?” – Nigel Walker.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Mike Wilner, who wins our last signed copy of From Delhi to The Den, by Stephen Constantine.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Players’ union Fifpro has called on Africa Cup of Nations organisers to provide four drinks breaks instead of two to stop players overheating in Egypt. “The health and safety of the players must come first,” said a Fifpro suit. “Any play in temperatures over 34C would mean there is an extremely high risk.”
Petr Cech has returned to Chelsea as technical and performance advisor, which means he will probably have the unglamorous task of keeping count of all the tyros out on loan. “I [want to] help create the best possible high-level performance environment to continue the success the club has had over the past 15 years,” he cheered, while setting up his abacus.
Antonio Conte still has a Romelu Lukaku itch to scratch, it seems.
Uruguay aren’t through to the Copa América last eight just yet after drawing 2-2 with South American powerhouses … oh, Japan.
Perhaps because young Dutch pups are so hot right now or perhaps because his dad is Frenkie de Jong’s Mr 15%, Barcelona B have slapped an £89.2m release fee on 20-year-old right-back Mike van Beijnen, who they’ve just scooped up on a free.
It’s crunch time for England’s U-21s.
And Class of 92 plaything Salford City will face Nasty Leeds in the first round of the Rumbelows Cup after Ray Parlour and EhJohnEhBarnes plucked their balls out of a tub somewhere near the meat counter in a north London Morrisons.
STILL WANT MORE?
Nick Ames sets the scene for Afcon 2019.
Ed Aarons picks out 10 players to watch in the Cup of Nations.
Freddie Ljungberg and a glimpse of the future for Arsenal. By Amy Lawrence.
VAR is penalising goalkeepers unfairly at the Women’s World Cup, reckons Eni Aluko.
Nchout Ajara, a heroine on and off the pitch for Cameroon.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
