There are few creatures greedier than a Made in Chelsea cast member with a narcissistic extracurricular career. Not only are these strange, makeup-caked and champagne-fuelled beings paid to star in a show about on the comfort of their wealth, but to then attempt to increase their riches by luxurious means enters Philip Green levels of commercial gluttony (Green’s daughter Chloe appeared on the show before setting up her own shoe label).
While their entrepreneurial avenues veer towards beauty, fitness and fashion (such as sponsored Instagram posts promoting “detox water” and protein powder ), a few have branched into a more creative industry: music. Their calling, it seems, is to share their sweet poetry about, like, when you like someone, but like, do you? Do you like, actually like them? Or are you just trying to get back at Binky for that time she didn’t invite you to her birthday party in Verbier? And, like, can you ever trust anyone after Alex Mytton broke up with you over brunch on your four-week anniversary? It’s the stuff of existential nightmares.
I must admit that despite the vitriol, I am a long-time voyeur of these rich and fantastically groomed humans. There is something about its summery serenity, posh people drinking gin and tonics, squabbling in streets filmed through a glossy filter, that soothes me. When former MiC star Andy Jordan announced his UK tour, a kind friend of mine bought me a VIP package to his London show, which included face-to-face time with him as well as the chance to watch him soundcheck. Unfortunately, the tour was cancelled – I am still not sure why – but it did save me from meeting the singer and therefore feeling guilty for writing truthfully about his music.
Like many who pursue this post-show career path, Jordan used Made in Chelsea to promote his music by performing gigs during which cast members would dance enthusiastically and glance longingly at their nearest former or potential partner. Having since left the show to dedicate himself to making music, he spends a lot of time surfing and working on his reputation as the type of man who, at any outdoor event, whips out an acoustic guitar quicker than you can say fire poi.
Jordan’s debut single was called Whole Lot of Water and reached No 71 in the UK singles chart, its follow-up Geography sold 10,000 copies and his sonic palette sticks mostly to the campfire-song format. He says his influences vary, however, revealing that he’s a fan of soul and writes “a lot of house music”. If Ricky Gervais is in search of ideas for a sequel to Life on the Road, he should look no further than this essential video in which Jordan professes his love of reggae.
Caggie Dunlop, an original cast member of the show was the true trailblazer when it came to using the show to launch a career. She left at the start of the third season, but made sure she sucked the joy out of Rihanna’s What’s My Name before exiting, turning it into an overwrought interpretation in which her drawled recital of phrases like “push up on it” invited men in the room to hope it was intended for them.
According to one blog, Dunlop has since pursued a singing career in Australia, released a few singles (including the Lana Del Rey-lite Neverland) and played the UK festival circuits (Download and Gwar-fest, presumably). Based on her recent Instagram posts, she’s currently in the US having a nice time and not worrying too much about the debates surrounding appropriation of Native American headdresses.
Loki is the musical project of long-haired model Fredrik Ferrier. An aspiring creative polymath who hopes to crack the art world as well as music, he has said that “most songs by Maurice Ravel or Ryuichi Sakamoto” make his heart skip a beat. While lyrically lightweight, the production values of his song Nostalgia are more adventurous than the previous two. There is a glacial atmosphere to the song – imagine a Savile Row Sigur Rós – but more ambitious, more mainstream. “What I’m looking for is someone who can help me get what I want with my music and help me achieve my end goal,” he told one newspaper. “Something like X Factor or The Voice – I’d like to go on as a mentor if I got bigger.” For anyone who says wealth doesn’t give you privilege, stop for a second to appreciate the wildly disillusioned but unflinching self-confidence with which Ferrier is propelled.
The newest addition to the Made in Chelsea music world is Julius Cowdrey, whose song 7 Roads (I See You) was released earlier this week.
Possessing the same billowy solemnity of all of the other MiC songwriters, newcomer Cowdrey, with his arpeggiated vocal style, has been relatively explicit about his intentions on the show. Rather than indulging in convoluted subplots and stilted dates in west London’s underground bars, Cowdrey was on stage within his first few appearances. He played at a garden party, moments before some kind of disagreement started – his music apparently able to spark an atmosphere of tense, emotional disturbance. But at a time when we appreciate pop stars who are honest and grounded – and even social activists – can the public really trust a man who feels it necessary to share such moments of despair as: “It’s Saturday and all I want is to be brunching with mimosas in both hands … instead I’m in bed with the flu! What is life?”
But perhaps my favourite MiC star is throat singer Gabriella Ellis, whose time on the show was fleeting but brilliant. She made her name as the girlfriend of Ollie Locke, who subsequently dumped her. Ellis addressed her heartbreak in a song aboutholding on to the person you love even if they have explicitly told you they’re interested in men, and even if they are avoiding you at all costs.
The track Fight has a grand melancholy, a powerful pop sheen that could have legitimately been a hit if given to someone like Kelly Clarkson in the mid-noughties. The video is also exceptional: if you’ve never seen the show and don’t fancy investing a week of your life binge watching all 12 seasons of Made in Chelsea, then sit back and absorb the three minutes and 49 seconds of footage shot at a party in a mansion and featuring characters overcome with emotion but otherwise utterly numb to the outside world. In other words, sheer blinkered bliss.
