NAME THAT, ER, CLUB
The Fiver has never knowingly posed naked for a photo with Mike Ashley, but the mountainous football club owner appears to have taken great offence to the behaviour of the world’s most tardy football-related email, all the same. We could blame lame gags, lazy analysis and a letters section that lowers pettifoggery to unprecedented depths, but several other Big Papers weren’t invited to Wednesday’s unveiling of Steve McClaren as the new head coach of Ashley’s club either, and their letters pages are hilarious. In fact, since only one publication in the entire world was invited to the inauguration of the new manager of Gateshead FC’s fancy-dan neighbours, McClaren’s presentation had all the fanfare of the opening of a small-town branch of a popular chain of discount sports shops such as, say, JD Sports. It was almost as if Ashley did not want his club’s fans to get over-excited about the appointment of a coach who was recently sacked by Derby County after a spectacular end-of-season collapse in the Championship.
While that at least suggests McClaren is now happily devoid of the image-consciousness that rather marred his time in charge of England, whose players struggled to cope with the pressure of having to shine as brightly as their manager’s revamped teeth, it does mean supporters of the team that finished just four points above the relegation zone last season were denied an opportunity to find out more about the plans of their new head coach, who has also been appointed to the club’s board, if you please.
“I am privileged to be appointed head coach of [the club], this is a big club with a wonderful heritage,” read McClaren from page one of the textbook issued to every aspiring manager on their first day of Gaffer School. “There is a lot of work to do but the club has made it clear about wanting success and I would not have come here if I didn’t believe they were serious,” he continued from page two before showing he is a man of vision and conviction by moving straight to page three: “I know how important [the club] is to the city and the region. The supporters are some of the most loyal, passionate and devoted in the world. This club has waited far too long to win a trophy, we owe it to the supporters to do everything we can to reward them with success.”
So far, so John Carver. Guess time will tell whether there has been any real change at a club that was once everyone’s second favourite team but now seems intent mostly on testing the strength of its own supporters’ affections.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The Fifa president Sepp Blatter, the director of communications and the general secretary are all sitting in a car – who is driving? The police” – Fifa mouthpiece Walter De Gregorio probably shouldn’t give up the day job after this gag on Swiss TV … but that’s what he’s done, leaving his job with immediate effect.
FIVER LETTERS
“My favourite Kenyan football team AFC Leopards SC had their fair share of trouble last Sunday. AFC used to be Abaluhya Football Club, referring to the Abaluhya tribe, but when former President Moi banned tribal names for football clubs, cleverly retained the acronym, claimed it stood for All Footballers Co-operative, and added the tribal king of the jungle for the Abaluhya, a leopard. Its players went on strike, boycotting the top-tier league clash against second-placed Sofapaka FC (Sote kama Familia kwa Pamoja Kuafikia Azimio FC – Swahili for We as a family together to achieve a goal FC). Having managed to trace 13 players without any of the three available goalkeepers, Croatian coach Zdravko Logarusic named striker Karim Ndungwa as the makeshift goalkeeper for the Leopards. To cut a long story short, Sofapaka scored an own goal and Karim saved a penalty taken by the all-time leading scorer for Sofapaka, John Baraza, and the Leopards won 1-0. Football, bloody hell” – Bertil Murunga.
“Re: Moncton (yesterday’s Fiver letters). The Rolling Stones came to Moncton in 2005, playing in front of 80,000 people on a beautiful September evening. Keith Richards called it Minkton. Several big-name bands have since graced the place with their presence, putting to good use a site originally prepared for a mass hosted by the pope, who did his gig there a few years earlier. Oh, and if anyone wants to see when the tidal bore goes by, there’s a sign on Main Street telling you when, although aside from a few days either side of monthly high tides it’s more of a tidal ripple. But being at the head of the Bay of Fundy, the range of those tides is unmatched in the world – 50-plus-feet at their highest. You should know, as well, that Moncton is the main centre of Acadian culture, those French Canadians who are proud not to be from Quebec, and whose language is an engaging and efficient mixture of French and English: avez-vous de welly boots? Oui, de quel size. How do I know all this? Guess where I live” – Maurice Mandale.
“Students making out in the library at Moncton University? Those crazy Canadians. You should see what sort of NSFW behaviour goes on in Melbourne’s university libraries” – Tim Grey.
“Barry Ragin spent his honeymoon in north America and stayed up all night (yesterday’s letters) – so far so good. Perhaps he should have read through the rest of his missive and deleted most, if not all, of it” – Stewart Richmond.
“I never thought I’d hear myself saying this, but isn’t it time everyone cut Phil Brown (yesterday’s Fiver) a bit of slack? He’s spent the last two-and-a-bit years working hard to get Southend promoted, he’s achieved results on the pitch with a win percentage of 42% and worked hard to improve the club’s training ground. It speaks volumes that, even on a slow news day, a load of tired old gags at his expense are being dusted off. You could have at least mentioned that just after he joined he invited Jeremy Kyle into the dressing room at half-time to meet the players, or that he ran the marathon for the chairman’s charity of choice. What’s more important? You, Fiver, with your ‘tea-timely email’ or some girl with a nut allergy? Oh, I dunno. What would Lenny Henry say?” – Liam Ager.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Bertil Murunga.
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BITS AND BOBS
André Ayew has the kind of eyebrow game that makes Carlo Ancelotti weep, hence The Fiver’s joy at his move to Swansea City. “I looked left and right and I thought Swansea was the best choice for me to grow as player,” he Greencrosscoded.
“We have less than 50 players in the four leagues in England and top two in Scotland. Full stop. The problem we have is a lot of those players are in League One and League Two. Roy Carroll is in League Two now. There are 12, 13 players in League One; it is a big jump to playing international football. The Scottish Premiership is a big jump up to international football” – Norn Iron 1-0 boss Michael O’Neill tells Ewan Murray about life at the coal-face of international management.
Derek Adams, whose last role in football ended with his dad sacking him as Ross County boss, has been appointed as Plymouth Argyle’s new manager.
José Mourinho, something something, six-month driving ban, something something, bus.
Romanian league runners-up Targu Mures have named Dan Petrescu as their new coach. “It’ll be very difficult to repeat last season’s results,” he parped, taking a metaphorical pin to any celebratory balloons.
And social media addict ‘Arry Redknapp has criticised Tottenham’s development in the wake of his exit from the club. “If you talk Tottenham, it’s been a disappointing year for Tottenham,” he tapped. “I’m a big fan of the manager, I like him very much but if you look at the team this year it certainly doesn’t excite you.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Nine writers around the world pick out their best XIs of players under the age of 23 to see who has the best crop of youngsters coming through.
Here come Iceland. Again! Jacob Steinberg has the lowdown.
Here are 12 of the players to watch at the Copa América.
This week’s Classic YouTube stars Jack Warner, a goalkeeper’s scorpion kick goal and another reason to believe what TLC told you about waterfalls.
Andy Hunter reports on the grassroots benefits coming from the redevelopment of Liverpool’s Jeffrey Humble playing fields.
All the latest from Moncton, with Louise Taylor.
Goals of the week, goals of the week, goals of the week … goals of the week. That jingle catching on yet?
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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