LOVIN’ IT
When The Fiver was young and bright-eyed in the early 1990s, it would sometimes attend birthday parties at Wimpy restaurants. Its own parties, obviously, because the dog apparently ate any invites to others’ as soon as they came through the letterbox. Halfway through the salty feast a weirdly taciturn character in oppressive layers of plasticky fancy dress would emerge from a doorway and engage in mime-based badinage with the children present, some of whom would lovingly take turns to land a punch on their new friend. The Fiver mentions Mr Wimpy because it therefore knows exactly how Manchester United and Real Madrid’s players must have felt when, undertaking the deadly serious business of pre-match handshakes before their under-attended friendly in Santa Clara, they were obliged to clench flesh with a certain Ronald McDonald – which sadly wasn’t the name of a Scottish referee flown in for the occasion.
The big-haired funster had already marched the teams out on to the pitch; nobody looked especially as if they were lovin’ it but perhaps he had a bigger impact on the footballers he came into contact with than inscrutable appearances suggested. A three-goal penalty shootout constituted comfortably the day’s most knockabout clowning; it also led the ever-objective Marca to, perhaps sensibly, elide the fact Manchester United had emerged winners from the pointlessness and proclaim that Real, their Real, had begun their pre-season campaign with a draw. And perhaps they had. Nothing is quite as it seems at this time of year and The Fiver assumed it was in the throes of a very extensive hangover when global behemoths West Brom and Crystal Palace popped up on its television to contest the third-place play-off of the Premier League Asia Trophy. Bakary Sako’s double-deflected goal confirmed that this was, indeed, more like a typical top-flight match between the pair than the show of skill and steel the Hong Kong punters may have wished for – and more reassurance was offered by new-ish Palace boss Not Ronald de Boer afterwards.”
“They were looking for him, to injure him,” whispered De Boer of West Brom’s apparent plan to kick Wilfried Zaha out of this crunch fixture; it is, of course, unthinkable that a Tony Pulis-coached side would look to reduce a member of the opposition and perhaps this was just a case of scrambling to give the public what they want: if the Premier League can’t thrill on the pitch it can, at least, point proudly to world-class levels of moaning and conspiracy theory.
It all comes home again soon and the spotlight will intensify on the final fortnight’s preparations. Arsenal might be excused too much scrutiny from the festival of blandeur that is this weekend’s Emirates Cup, but Wenger surely Must Go after their 3-0 defeat by Chelsea on Saturday – the friendly before the friendly, for those concentrating hard enough to remember the FA Cup final contestants must also face each other for the Charidee Shield in 13 days. Pre-season used to be the simple part; now you’re straining every sinew to keep up. Perhaps, rather than adding to the madness, Ronald McDonald simply cut through it; maybe the first sight of him is designed to be a handy just-wake-up-in-two-weeks-and-forget-about-it signal. Like Mr Wimpy emerging from the office of a small-town burger restaurant to entertain a group of six-year-olds, he might just be the punchbag everyone needs.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It looked silly at the time but it did the job … you do what you have to do as a defender. You have to put your neck on the line” – Phil Jones explains that header from 2015.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Regarding Dan Makeham’s question (Friday’s letters), I can’t say I’ve been keeping track (by which I mean I’ve been keeping track on an excel spreadsheet using many ‘if’ formulae). On average, it’s about one in two or three but the average with a high seasonal variance. At peak, it is around one in one or two but towards the end of the season when I’m bored and just churning it out it is around one in four. I hope the answer helps you sleep at night. And yes, I’ve had three letters published on the same day (twice), which suggests, if anything, that I need to get a life even more than your good self” – Noble Francis.
“In response to Dan Makeham’s query regarding the ratio of letters submitted to letters published (Friday’s letters), I think it has a lot to do with subject matter. I have submitted numerous letters regarding the sad situation at Coventry City Football Club, with nary one being published. I like to think this is due to the snipping of Fiver lawyers rather than my letters not meeting the intellectual high/low (delete as appropriate) standard required” – Trevor Wastell.
“Just picking up on Dan Makeham’s musings on publishing success ratios for other Fiver contributors, I’m wondering if anyone else keeps a separate folder in their phone to house copies of the editions in which they appear. I’m currently on four. Anybody? Somebody?!” – Ross Wilson.
“My publication ratio is a bit more favourable, but the trick is to wait a couple of days for an inevitable 1,057 pedants revolt and then simply write about something else. The sheer novelty will increase your chances and it doesn’t even have to be very funny … trust me (see below – Fiver Ed)” – Nick Dent.
“I wonder will the new pitch U2 paid for give Hertha Berlin The Edge over Liverpool?” – Daniel Doody.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
BITS AND BOBS
Benjamin Mendy seems chuffed to have completed his £52m transfer from Monaco to Manchester City. “Since I was a kid, it was a dream to play in the Premier League,” he Robbie Keaned.
Antonio Cassano has left Verona after seven days and retired (again). “This guy’s head isn’t right, even though he’s very good physically and athletically,” said Verona chief suit Maurizio Setti. “Professionally, you can’t accuse him of doing anything wrong. Evidently, he can’t remain serene and clearheaded in a group and wants to stay at home.”
Fifa has said there were no positive doping tests at the Confederations Cup. Well whoopee-do!
Antonio Conte says Pedro will be able to play for Chelsea while wearing a mask in 10 days’ time despite suffering nasty face-knack in a collision with Arsenal’s David Ospina.
Uefa has sent Manchester United’s Eric Bailly to the naughty step for three games following his red card in the Big Vase semi-final.
England boss Mark Sampson was pretty chuffed with the 2-0 Euro 2017 win over Spain. “I’m in awe of my players. It was a really memorable England performance,” he trilled, which is something The Fiver doesn’t hear often.
And Jamaica coach Theodore Whitmore took inspiration from Big Book when describing the Reggae Boyz’s 1-0 win over Mexico in the Gold Cup. “It is the Biblical story. David slew Goliath,” he whooped.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
In the first of a five-part series on the Premier League at 25, Paul Doyle dons his tin hat and picks Eric Cantona as the best player. Cue a gazillion comments, all completely reasonable of course.
How fans were betrayed as Premier League club owners made fortunes. It’s proper Journalist David Conn.
If Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City are to succeed, Ederson needs to hit the ground running, writes Jamie Jackson, but just not too far off his line.
The new Football League season kicks off in less than a fortnight. How will your club fare this year? Tom Stevens wants to know.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
