We’ve all been there. You’re all set for an all-inclusive package holiday in a luxurious resort.
You’ve imagined everything: Days spent laying the pool, evenings spent dining on fresh food under the stars....
Then you get there.
And you realise you forgot all about the one thing which could really spoil it all.
Not building work, not bugs, not patchy wi-fi but....
Other people.
Yep, if there’s one thing that could turn paradise into paradise lost, it’s having to spend 24/7 with a bunch of people you normally couldn’t stand for the length of a TikTok video, let alone a break in the sun.
So pity those who booked themselves into the Love Island villa: They’ve had a far more than your average two weeks. And while the digs have been luxury-standard, some of the people have been, well, little short of Basic.
Now as we enjoy the final week, Islanders’ real colours are definitely starting to show. For as much as they like to tell us they’re “all family”, it’s clear not everyone defines “family” the same way.
Some Islanders are acting like the Waltons, Gilmore Girls or Von Trapps...
And others are acting like the back-stabbing, scheming, plotting, bed-hopping, double-crossing Lannisters from Game of Thrones.
Both are “families”, but “families” whose get-togethers, I imagine, have very different vibes.
So as the Islanders have been throwing the “family” word around, which of them are genuinely ride or die? Who can sometimes be dysfunctional but ultimately want the best for each other, like AC-12, The Mitchell Brothers or the Sopranos? And who’s more scheming and snakey like Dynasty’s Carringtons?
It’s time for the top five Villa Viper countdown:
5. Priya
She left last night but has still earned her place in the list. Not only did Priya slag off Brett behind his back, she didn’t hold back. Did she forget that she was being filmed? Did she think Brett wouldn’t watch it back later and see her calling him “ick”? You might not like the guy, Priya, but there’s no need to humiliate him on national TV.
However that wasn’t even medical student Priya’s most snakey move. Just what was that final conversation with Faye about? On one hand Priya could have been making a heartfelt sentiment to reassure Faye about Teddy. On the other hand, she used her last minutes in the villa to ensure that fiery Faye knew all three of those who voted for her and Ted as the least compatible couple were still in the villa.
Faye’s been wound up like a Jack-in-the-box....and is now just waiting to explode. And when Faye discovers who’s betrayed her, you won’t need a medical degree to predict their prognosis.
4. Millie and Liberty
I know, super controversial. But how could these two sit there and talk about the vote with Faye and not admit they were the ones who voted for her? They have been quick to stress that they had to make a decision based on the question of compatibility alone. But seriously, it’s human instinct to be closer to those you’ve known longer.
So had newbies Priya and Brett bonded like love’s young dream, can we believe any OGs (or nearly OGs in Millie’s case) would really have sacrificed two OG couples to give some relative newcomers a chance? I’m not sure.
So with that said, were both Millie and Lib a little too willing to go along with Liam and Jake’s suggestions to dump Feddy? Especially as Feddy now has a very good shot at the title?
3. Kaz and Tyler
Controversial again - but it was so muggy to treat Matthew the way Kaz did. And while it’s wonderful her and “Ty Ty” are now loved up despite Casa Amor, it was surprising how quickly she forgave him. One thought may have crossed viewers' minds: if she hadn’t have forgiven him, would there be enough time to form a good enough bond with someone new, that would get her to the final?
As for Tyler...he came into the villa saying he only had eyes for Kaz, then immediately got it on with Clarisse in Casa Amor. Unlike Liam, he even brought his sidepiece back into the villa. You can make mistakes, but if you’re really as into someone as he claimed to be into Kaz, he made an even bigger mistake with Clarisse than that Rodeo Drive sales assistant did with Pretty Woman’s Julia Roberts. Is any guy really that stupid?
2. Jake
Okay, he should be number one, but we didn’t want to be too predictable. We all know why, he’s top of the list. Put it this way: I’d be more surprised if Jiberty won and made it to their first anniversary, than if Jiberty won, Jake kept all the cash and blew it all on foot fetish cam girls.
1. Liam
He was all about Millie and her “fanny flutters”, then went to Casa Amor - and we all know what happened there. He and Millie are now favourites to win. But have their fans got memories shorter than Finding Nemo’s Dory or what?
A) Liam betrayed Millie, knowing he was on camera. B) He returned to the villa having upset sidepiece and Casa Amor snuggle buddy Lillie. C) Having been exposed, he proceeded to downplay what had happened - despite knowing, once again, that it would have all have been on camera (and hence Millie would discover the truth eventually). D) He twisted the whole thing into some kind of honorable deed to test “the strength” of his and Millie’s relationship. E) Even when he made his grand romantic gesture, it wasn’t to ask Millie to be his girlfriend, but to “be exclusive”.
That’s right, his big proposal is that he’ll now be exclusive in a villa with just five other girls. If he expects a standing ovation for a commitment that’s quite so pathetic, he’ll be waiting a while.
And certainly a lot longer than he waited before jumping into bed with Lillie.
*Love Island continues tonight at 9pm on ITV2
