At 9pm, tonight, the UK’s roads will be empty, pubs will be shut and streets will be eerily silent as millions of people sit down and switch on ITV2. Because tonight is Love Island’s live final, where, after almost eight weeks of crying, dumping, fighting and very loud sloppy kissing, we find out which couple has won.
Look: maybe you’re not one of the 3.4 million people watching Love Island. Maybe you decided to spend the summer watching the World Cup, instead, or didn’t want to dedicate 48 hours of viewing time to the show. Maybe you even went outside and lived your life – we’re not judging, but you definitely made a huge mistake. Don’t panic! It’s still possible to blag it. Here’s everything you need to know ...
How do you win the show?
In theory, contestants couple up with someone they don’t mind sharing a bed with for the whole summer, and stay with that person despite loads of hot single people arriving every week to try to tempt them away. In practice, they just choose whoever they fancy on the day of the recoupling and hope for the best. Tonight, the public vote for the couple they like best, and the prize is £50,000, plus the unofficial prize of low-level fame for the next year.
Who are the contenders?
There are four couples in the final: Kaz and Josh, a supernaturally beautiful makeup artist paired with a lad who can’t believe his luck; Wes and Megan, a 20-year-old nuclear engineer (really) coupled with a ‘shy’ model who “gets her tits out for a living” (her words); Laura and Paul and Jack and Dani.
Who’s actually going to win it?
If Jack – a pen salesman from Essex with shockingly white teeth and a passion for birdwatching – and Dani – a sweet, innocent angel and daughter of EastEnders legend Danny Dyer – do not win Love Island, something has gone seriously wrong. The nation’s sweethearts got together on day one and have endured trials such as Jack’s ex Ellie entering the villa (they had a polite conversation and then proceeded to ignore each other) and the revelation that Jack has cheated on all of his previous girlfriends, which sent Dani into a panic spiral that he’d do the same to her. Ofcom received 2,600 complaints when the show made Dani cry. When they were separated for three days, Jack was so upset he couldn’t eat. Her dad appeared via Skype to give Jack his blessing (“a proper geezer, bang on”). If they are not crowned the winners, expect millions of people to take to the streets, overthrow the government and burn Buckingham Palace to the ground.
Who should you say you want to win it?
Supporting Jack and Dani is a real basic move. Instead, say that you’re backing Laura, the ‘older’ – she’s 29, which is about 76 in Love Island years – contestant. Laura’s very relatable: a seething mass of insecurities permanently teetering on the edge of losing it, almost pathologically paranoid she’s about to get mugged off at any second, having been dumped by walking erection Wes AND personality void New Jack in favour of younger, hotter, blonder girls. She’s now paired up with Paul, a model who blew his one good anecdote (he snogged Britney Spears in a music video) too early on and is now scared to ditch Laura because there’s every chance she’ll go fully Fatal Attraction and murder him with her personalised water bottle.
Who has been this year’s villain?
There was a point early on where it looked like Alex George, an actual doctor with a brain but the world’s most awkward bedside manner, would be a favourite. No one wanted to couple up with unlucky-in-love Alex, and dumb blonde cliche Hayley even swerved snogging him during a kissing game. This was significant as the contestants treat the rules of the games as laws and abide by them at all times, even if it involves getting off with someone you really don’t want to touch.
But after weeks of lusting after women who don’t fancy him (new Laura, new Ellie) and treating the ones who do (Charlie, Grace, Alexandra) like dirt, public opinion has turned on ‘nice guy’ Dr Alex. Now no more than a sunburnt incel (mysteriously, he does not tan, just stays a violent shade of pink), he shoved Alexandra’s hand down his shorts in bed one night then accused her of “moving too fast” when she talked about meeting his friends after they left the villa. A man who thinks the phrase “I love cars” is an acceptable thing to say past the age of 10, Dr Alex has mistaken Love Island for having-a-bit-of-banter-with-your-mates Island and he somehow avoided being dumped from the island for weeks and weeks and weeks … until last night. Alexandra nailed it when she told him: “You’ve wasted my time, you’ve wasted your time, shame on you.”
He will, of course, become a huge star and be seen giving out health advice on This Morning within a week.
It’s just all hot people wearing bikinis and shagging, right?
Actually, there’s been hardly any sex this year, apart from Wes and Megan’s determination to keep everyone awake at night in the communal bedroom. Instead, they’ve invented the Do Bits Society, which is for couples who haven’t had full sex, but have “done bits”. It’s basically a nice way of saying dirty stuff without spelling it out for their parents watching at home.
Love Island: the Live Final airs tonight at 9pm on ITV2. Head over to theguardian.com at 8.30 to follow Rhik Samadder’s live blog
