Cancel all social engagements and dim the lights, because Motörhead have launched a branded line of vibrators.
Entitled The Official Pleasure Collection, the range features bullet and torpedo-shaped vibrators, all bearing the famously erotic Motörhead logo of the tusked and fanged war pig – chained at present, yes, but soon to be unleashed upon you. Or a loved one.
The press release announcing the advent of this exciting line of sexual tools promises “the sort of power and pleasure you’d expect from ‘the loudest band on Earth’.” Furthermore, it features some endearing quotes from Motörhead frontman Lemmy, who inquires rhetorically: “One of our songs was called Vibrator, so we had to have our own one day, right?”
Right. “Apparently,” he goes on, “it was worth the wait!”
“Apparently.” Look, I’m with Lemmy – I think you’ve always got to keep something back from the fans.
Whether Motörhead are the loudest band on Earth remains a matter of debate, but I am afraid that not even this will make them the most rapaciously merchandising band on Earth. That honour still belongs to Kiss. Admittedly, Kiss never brought out a range of vibrators. (There are products available that may appear to have been modelled on Gene Simmons’s tongue, but his failure to copyright that muscle means the band have historically failed to secure a revenue stream from them.)
But they did bring out the product to end it all – or certainly, the one to be entombed in once it has all ended. That, of course, was the Kiss Kasket, the Kiss-branded coffin that hit the undertakers’ shelves back in 2001 and allowed fans to claim they were “with the band” on their final journey. Assuming they’d forked out $3,000.
“I love living,” opined Simmons at the time. “But this makes the alternative look pretty good.”
