When Lottie Tomlinson lost both her beloved mother and sister tragically in the space of a few short years, people understandably shied away from the subject with her.
But in fact, it was the last thing the 21-year-old social media influencer, who is the sister of One Direction star Louis Tomlinson, wanted.
“People think you don’t want to talk about it but you often do because it makes it even worse when someone dies and people stop talking about them and you feel their presence going even more,” Lottie says.
“One of the hardest things was people not bringing it up, it makes it harder because you’ve lost that person and it feels like they are fading away."
She added: “When people talk about their mums I still want to get involved in that conversation.
“I’ve still got a mum even though she’s not here so I just encourage my friends and family to talk about my mum and my sister all the time.”
Lottie turned to therapy after she lost her mum Johannah Deakin to leukaemia in 2016 before her sister Félicité, 18, died from an accidental overdose in March last year.
Make-up artist Lottie grieved for her mum without seeking outside help at first, but after the loss of her sister she was determined to ensure she didn’t reach a “dark place” herself.
“After my sister died I felt quite a responsibility to my family,” says Lottie, who is an ambassador for the Sue Ryder bereavement charity."
She continued: “I know she had let herself get into quite a dark place and I didn’t want to let myself get there too. I’ve always felt quite strong and wanted to get through stuff on my own but I just thought I had to prevent something like that from ever happening again.
“I decided to go out and get some therapy and this time around it’s not been such a painful long process because I’ve been able to share my thoughts and feelings and work through it so much better.”
She sees her therapist once a week, saying: “I’m so lucky because I was able to create such a nice relationship with her.
“She’s amazing, she’s really looked after me and cares about me.”
Lottie now feels strong enough to help other people, at a time when so many relatives are grieving for loved ones lost to Covid. As a result of the pandemic, Sue Ryder has seen a significant spike in the need for its bereavement support.
“I want to help people because grief can be such a scary thing,” says Lottie. “You need to keep talking about it otherwise you get lost in your feelings and that can send you into a really dark place.
“I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for people grieving during lockdown. That’s why I want to spread the word about Sue Ryder’s free video counselling. It is important to keep people talking about their grief so they don’t spiral.”
Her 43-year-old midwife mum Johannah had seven children, Louis, Lottie, Félicité, and two sets of twins, Phoebe and Daisy and Ernest and Doris. The family has always been close but losing two much-loved relatives has strengthened their bond.
“We wouldn’t be able to get through it without each other,” said Lottie. “Being able to be there for my younger sisters and my little brother and big brother, that makes me be the best version of myself.
"We wouldn’t be as close if this hadn’t have happened. We appreciate each other so much because we know life’s so precious. We all absolutely adore each other now.”
The family get together for special anniversaries and birthdays and Lottie lights candles next to pictures of Félicité, who she knew as Fizzy, and her “Superwoman” mum.
“I’m only 21 and so much stuff happens in my life and the first person I want to tell is her,” she says. “I can’t and that’s the worst part. My mum was the best mum I could have asked for. She made her whole life about us and gave us everything we’d ever need. I felt so loved all of my life so I’m so lucky.
“My sister was crazy but she had the kindest heart and she would have done anything for any of us. We were like best friends as well as sisters.”
Lottie has found a way through her losses by throwing herself into her career, with her own tanning brand Tanologist. She is all about looking for the positives, such as using her experiences to help others.
And Lottie, who was reported this week to have “grown close” to Caroline Flack’s ex-boyfriend Lewis Burton, is looking forward as much as she can.
"I’m excited for the future – I’ve got a lot I want to do workwise and I’m excited to meet someone and have my own family. My sisters and I are really maternal, baby mad,” she adds.
“What has happened has given me such a perspective on life, a strength and a resilience and anything that life throws at me, I feel like I can cope because I’ve got through the worst, horrible things. I’ve got an armour where I can deal with anything.”
With 3.6 million Instagram followers, she especially hopes to reach young people who are struggling, advising them: “Don’t
be afraid to ask for help, it really does make
a difference.”
- Lottie Tomlinson is an ambassador for Sue Ryder, which provides online bereavement support to people. This includes free video counselling; an online community forum offering 24-hour peer-to-peer support and a wide range of resources. To find out more, visit sueryder.org/lottie
If you're struggling and need to talk, the Samaritans operates a free helpline open 24/7 on 116 123. Alternatively, you can email Jo@samaritans.org if you'd prefer to write down how you feel. You are not alone.
