ROBIN RELIANT
The Fiver knows only too well that doing the same thing over and over again rarely ever leads to that thing becoming better, more relevant or more wanted. We’d have thought that Robin van Persie, at the wise old age of 33 and sporting more shades of grey than that book about special cuddling, would know that too. But apparently not. You see, the Fenerbahce striker, who faces his former club Manchester United in Big Vase tonight, seems to be under the impression that if it wasn’t for Lord Ferg being so unreasonable and deciding to jack it in at 71, he may well still be doing goals at Old Trafford instead of gradually fading away in Istanbul.
“It could have been that I could have been a player for Manchester United today,” sniffed Van Persie, while looking mournfully at a puddle of hot salty water beginning to pool around his shoes. “When I signed that was the idea, that [Lord Ferg] would stay on for a few more years, but in football things change, you can’t plan your own path or your coach’s path. In this world you have to deal with how it comes.” Indeed, Van Persie’s career path followed a gradual upwards trajectory until it hit an extraordinary height, plateaued and then suddenly crashed to earth, a bit like the bird that clearly lost its mind and flew so high it slammed into the windscreen of the aeroplane carrying Fenerbahce to Manchester yesterday, causing it to make an unexpected landing in Budapest.
The only danger posed to aircrafts from high-flying objects tonight will come if José Mourinho chooses to rest many of those who participated in Monday’s sleepover at Anfield and start Wayne Rooney, who could perhaps have a cosy chat with Van Persie about impending irrelevance. “Wayne is working well,” cheered Mourinho. ”He’s one of those who is responsible for the atmosphere that the players can breathe because he’s positive, he’s a good example.” Rooney has fond memories of playing Fenerbahce at Old Trafford, of course. He scored a hat-trick against them on his club debut, back when the only thing bigger than his on-pitch influence was the size of mobile phones and that steamy hit by Eric Prydz that led to a complaint against Weird Uncle Fiver and the subsequent cancellation of his gym membership.
With Manchester United lying third in Group 97 of this year’s Big Vase they need a good result tonight if they’re to give their hopes of qualifying for the knockout stages a boost. Whether they get one perhaps hinges on how much of a flying one Mourinho gives about the competition. So far, he is spoken about it with about as much enthusiasm as Granny Fiver talks about impending dental appointments. And with the match coming as it does sandwiched between Liverpool and Chelsea, don’t expect to see anything special in the Special One’s treatment of Thursday night football. It could be a good night for Van Persie to feel relevant again.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I wouldn’t pay €70 to watch the derby, it’s ridiculous, I’d watch the game in a bar” – Deportivo defender Raul Albentosa takes exception to the ticket pricing strategy for his side’s Galicia derby at Celta Vigo on Sunday.
FIVER LETTERS
“Many thanks for the link to the darts movie [yesterday’s Last Line]. A combination of the Fiver’s advice, Mourinho’s dark arts, Friday / Monday / Tuesday / Wednesday / Thursday Night Football’s disruption of the civic order, and the cumulative nonsense of beauts like Barton, Balotelli, Bendtner, and Solo have nudged me past the tipping point. STOP FOOTBALL, START DARTS!” – Mike Wilner.
“As a current resident of Westchester, can I assure David Carr [yesterday’s Fiver] that I would much rather be watching West Ham versus Manchester City. Why anyone would choose non-league Scarborough v Rochdale ahead of Premier League teams is beyond me - are you the Newcastle United fan David Carr that I once worked with? Perhaps that would offer a clue. By the way Westchester is the current home of New York City FC’s training ground, in the aptly named Purchase - could there be a more apt pairing?” – David Dein.
“In response to Scott Henderson [yesterday’s letters], whatever Second Chance Steve may be called once the inevitable happens, in the meantime he is currently both the former former and future former boss of Derby? I think that covers it. But then, doesn’t becoming former happen to us all in the end, and therefore aren’t we all in fact living in the future former tense? (I think I need to lie down now).” – Hugh J Martin.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mike Wilner.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Hear ye! Hear ye! AC Jimbo and co have been chewing over the midweek fat in Football Weekly Extra. And tickets are still available for the next live show in London.
BITS AND BOBS
Hull City’s 6-1 tonking at Bournemouth last week has suitably impressed some suits in the Far East, with a consortium said to have agreed a £130m takeover of the club.
Nottingham Forest’s owner, Fawaz al-Hasawi, has been asking potential buyers of the club for an annual salary that could rise above £1m and a series of financial demands that include an extraordinary clause entitling him to whatever the players earn in bonuses. So far, so normal.
Pep Guardiola has leapt to the defence of his ball-on-the-floor goalkeeper Claudio Bravo. “I’m sorry but until the last day of my career as a coach I will try to play from our goalkeeper,” wept the Manchester City manager. “There will be no change [of goalkeeper]. It stays the same. Football is a game of mistakes. He knows what he did.”
Africa Cup of Nations holders Ivory Coast will do battle with Togo, Morocco and DR Congo in Group C of this year’s competition. Here’s the draw in full.
The bad news? Andy Carroll is still suffering from knee-gah. “Originally it was four to six weeks – and we were fuming about it, it was a shocking prognosis – but now it’s way longer than that so all that I can say is he’s working really hard, he’s progressing, but its slower than we expected,” trilled West Ham boss Slaven Bilic. The good news? Club-record signing André Ayew’s back in training. “We were expecting him back later, in December or late November, so we are delighted that he’s back and now we’re going to see.”
On Saturday the Hammers face Sunderland, who have problems of their own. “It’s probably lost its identity at times trying to be a club it’s not,” parped the Black Cats’ chief suit Martin Bain. “The job is to build, almost rebuild. It’s apparent that we’ve got a journey to embark upon.”
And Rudi García has been appointed as Marseille’s newest manger – his first task, Paris Saint-Germain away …
STILL WANT MORE?
Floating head in a jar Jonathan Wilson explains how and why Antonio Conte can break free from the shackles of Chelsea’s past when they face Manchester United.
Sid Lowe chews over Pep Guardiola’s decision to omit Sergio Agüero on his return to Camp Nou. And Michael Cox reckons we’ll see more of the same in the return fixture.
Frank de Boer is getting all hot under the collar at Inter – and not in a good way, reckons Ed Aarons.
Jonjo Shelvey has misplaced his ‘childish attitude’ and can’t remember where he left a stone of weight, all thanks to Rafa Benítez. That’s according to Louise Taylor.
Here’s an excellent tale on how Sassuolo have made it from the Italian equivalent of jumpers for goalposts to the Europa League in 10 short years.
Ricardo Rodríguez to Chelsea and a fire sale at Manchester City? It can only be today’s Rumour Mill.
And Joey Barton, karate football and, “Remember the name … !!!!!” all feature in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
