Third time lucky. The first two iterations of Brexit secretary hadn’t gone well. David Davis had been too lazy and too dim to do anything very much, while Dominic Raab had been under the impression that he was in control of the process and de facto prime minister. In Stephen Barclay, Theresa May had finally found a square peg for a square hole. A man with the perfect CV. One that was almost entirely blank.
Barclay is no fool. Far from it. It takes a man of above average intelligence to recognise that his primary role is to understand as little as possible about Brexit. A job he performs with the utmost diligence by going to extraordinary lengths to remain uninformed. His ignorance is a conscious act. Every day is a battle to ward off civil servants tempting him with briefing notes, and to make sure he knows a little less than he did before. Give him time and he’ll barely be able to remember he’s a government minister. Much like everyone else.
All this intensive training to know nothing pays dividends when he’s called upon to make an appearance in the House of Commons. Because you can’t be accused of deliberately giving MPs the wrong information if you genuinely have no idea what it is you are meant to be talking about. And a measure of his success is that now almost no one bothers to turn up to hear him any more – a win-win situation for everyone.
Barclay’s reputation precedes him. With just 64 days until Brexit day, and the government clueless about what to do next, you might have expected a packed house for Brexit departmental questions. Far from it. Just a dozen Tory backbenchers and less than 30 opposition MPs bothered to make the effort. If you’re looking for answers to Brexit questions, then the Brexit secretary is the last person to whom you would turn.
Even so, a few brave and persistent souls did try to elicit some information. Presumably, they had nothing better to do. The Scottish National party’s Philippa Whitford got things under way by asking about medicine stockpiling in Scotland. Barclay appeared generally bewildered. He’d never heard of Scotland. Labour’s Jo Stevens tried a different tack with a question about the boss of Airbus having said the government’s Brexit planning had been a disgrace.
Hmm, let me think, said Barclay. Airbus, Airbus. The name rang a vague bell. Though hopefully his mind would be a total blank by the evening. His Random Word Generator cranked into action. Of course he took the warnings very seriously but he wanted to stress there was a lot of positivity with Airbus and that’s why the company was backing the prime minister. It was an unusual take that seemed to take even his colleagues by surprise.
Tory Glyn Davies hastily changed the subject, as it had belatedly come to his attention that the sheep farmers in his Wales constituency could be financially screwed after Brexit. Barclay’s reply was another masterclass. He was sure the Welsh sheep farmers would be just fine, so long as they had Davies as their MP to ask questions about why they were going out of business. The Brexit minister could talk for hours without ever actually saying anything meaningful.
Other questions came and went without Barclay or his junior ministers – a crack team of highly trained nonentities who have fully taken on board the mission to know nothing – letting slip any information. The closest we got to news was that all sheep would continue to be sheep after Brexit, but some cows may no longer identify as cows.
The shadow Brexit secretary, Keir Starmer, committed a classic category error by assuming Barclay was involved in the formation of government policy. Time was running out and the prime minister was still being vague about what changes she was hoping to make to her plan that had been resoundingly defeated last week. Would the minister care to enlighten the house?
He wouldn’t. That kind of knowledge was so restricted that not even Theresa May had access to it. But everyone should chill out a bit. There was still 64 days to go. That was loads of time, when you came to think about it. Yes, the government might have had a teeny weeny bit of a setback with its 230-vote defeat, but it was now actively engaged in the process of not listening to people. So things were looking up. Perhaps everyone would like to join in a sing-song: “Always look on the bright side of life…”
A deadly lethargy descended on the Commons. Bodies felt heavy and minds became confused. Barclay smiled. Mission accomplished.
