BILLIONS
No matter how mature and averse to hyperbole you are, it can be difficult not to get carried away on Transfer Deadline Day. After all, if you can’t despair for the future of mankind on a day like today, then when can you? The wackiness, the banter, the media that assumes an audience of four-year-olds; the realisation that your heart really did just skip a beat because your team has just signed a teenage Uzbekistani left-back who will probably play four games for the reserves before joining Padova on a 10-year loan … none of it is exactly conducive to the smooth flow of serotonin.
Transfer Deadline Day has replaced the FA Cup final as the big day (or days) in the English football calendar. It’s like a fusion of Christmas and New Year’s Eve, only without the touching split-second of sincere bonhomie. Everyone thinks they are in on some kind of ironic joke when deep down they know they are the joke. The Fiver hasn’t seen so much forced jollity since Colin Hunt shot himself.
Thus far today, the ratio of hype to remotely interesting news has been off the scale. By 3.15pm, when the ever prompt Fiver pressed ‘send’ and went to JD Wetherspoons for a turps supper, the only confirmed deals of note involved Manchester City bundling Joe Hart (Torino), Samir Nasri (Sevilla) and Wilfried Bony (Stoke) out the door marked ‘Do One’.
Other potential moves include David Luiz and Aymen Abdennour to Chelsea and Islam Slimani to Leicester for a club-record £30m. The window closes at 11pm. “It just keeps ticking, doesn’t it,” said a Sky Sports man earlier, looking at a clock, his face a picture of wonder. Hang on, this just in … Guardian sources: Deadline Day confirms the intrinsic futility of existence.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Hi @JackWilshere. Our Bournemouth store is open until 7pm this evening and yes, we do sell Prosecco. We don’t stock cigarettes. Thanks.” – As if England’s Euro 2016 exit wasn’t enough, Iceland supermarket’s Twitter team take aim at Physio Phave Jack Wilshere.
FIVER LETTERS
“If Eden Hazard’s characterisation of his Chelsea team-mate N’Golo Kanté [yesterday’s quote of the day] is accurate, is the Frenchman’s decision to leave Leicester this summer the first recorded case of a rat deserting a rising ship? “For a rats’ nest,” as a certain Portugueser might have added. “Takes one to know one”…etc” – Justin Kavanagh.
“When I didn’t see an email from Fiver on 8/29, Monday at 8am Pacific, I was wondering if maybe you were shut down or I accidentally clicked on the unsubscribe button. To my surprise the newsletter was back in the inbox for the Tuesday edition, so just wanted to know … are Mondays off now … if not what happened? And yes I checked all the suspect folders (trash, spam, health, personal, soccer) before writing to you. Any chance this happened to any of the other 1,056 pedants? If not, an explanation would be appreciated. – Aditya Vikram. Explanation.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Chelsea are still in talks to re-sign David Luiz. PSG turned down £30m, but £38m should do it. If not, they’ll take Aymen Abdennour on loan from Valencia.
Leicester have agreed to pay £30m for Islam Slimani, while Gokhan Inler has joined Besiktas.
Manchester City are offloading. Wilfried Bony has joined Stoke for the season (who have also taken Lee Grant on loan from Derby); Samir Nasri is off to Sevilla on loan; and Joe Hart says he joined Torino for the humility. “The coach here wants humility and ambition. I like that. That’s how I want to be.”
Spurs have made “discreet enquiries” about Manchester United’s Morgan Schneiderlin. The sort of “discreet enquiries” that everyone immediately knows about.
Liverpool have carted Luis Alberto off to Lazio for a fee of £4.3m plus add-ons, whilst Adama Traoré has completed his move from Aston Villa to Middlesbrough, signing a four year contract.
Sunderland have broken their club record fee to secure Lorient midfielder Didier Ndong for £17m, but their Yann M’Vila deal is in doubt, while Newcastle will sell Moussa Sissoko to anyone ready to pay five instalments of £6m.
Jack Wilshere still hasn’t decided between Palace, Bournemouth and Roma; Palace also want Charlton winger Ademola Lookman and Newcastle’s Paul Dummett.
Derby’s Jeff Hendrick is now Burnley’s Jeff Hendrick after joining the Lancashire club for a “club record undisclosed fee,” which must be a first.
Everton have agreed a £1.4m deal with Sheffield United for Dominic Calvert-Lewin and are close to a £35m deal for Porto forward Yacine Brahimi.
STILL WANT MORE?
Roll up, then, for the Johnstone’s Paint LDV Vans Auto Windscreens Autoglass Leyland DAF Sherpa Van Freight Rover Checkatrade Trophy, now starring Big Club U23 sides. Lower league clubs tried bribing their fans with beer to turn up and watch. It didn’t work.
Joe Hart – renaissance man? asks Paul MacInnes, which also features this very nice video on other British footballers who have played in Italy.
Among this summer’s transfer window winners: all that second-tier talent in Spain suddenly finding big-salary new homes in England, says Sid Lowe.
There can be no more auto-satirical department at this stage of Britain’s post-imperial journey than the FA unit dedicated to confecting Englishmen, says Brexit’s Marina Hyde.
Belgium’s choice of Bobby Martínez as the man to end years of decline is seriously left-field, reckons Paul Doyle. Especially given how Ronald Koeman has started out at Everton.
Plus: feeling bothered by not knowing the difference between a penalty rebound and a penalty-shootout penalty rebound? The Knowledge gets its Laws booklet out, and now we can all relax.
GOALS! GOALS! GOALS! in this week’s Goals of the Week, featuring Xabi Alonso, Jonjo Shelvey and a Dirk Diggler Kuyt.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
