London Film Critics' Circle awards 2010

Our first mug-shot is of Andrea Arnold. The former TV presenter won the award for best British film for Fish Tank, a slice of kitchen-sink realism that features no blue aliens whatsoever
Photograph: Ian West/PA

And look, here's Anne-Marie Duff with her award for best British supporting actress, after playing John Lennon's earthling mum in Nowhere Boy
Photograph: Ian West/PA

Carey Mulligan took the best British actress award for her turn as a precocious schoolgirl in An Education. An Education is set in the outer boroughs of 1960s London
Photograph: Ian West/PA

Michael Fassbender scoops the gong for best British supporting actor, courtesy of his performance in Fish Tank. Michael Fassbender has no tail
Photograph: Ian West/PA

Now step up Colin Firth, who played a bereaved academic in A Single Man and has just been named the year's best British actor. He's so delighted, he looks as though he might levitate to the moon
Photograph: Ian West/PA

Finally, some measure of continuity. Christoph Waltz, firm favourite to win an Oscar next month, bags the award for best actor. Please note that in Inglourious Basterds Waltz plays a Nazi, not a Na'vi
Photograph: Ian West/PA

And now here comes Olivia Williams who unfortunately wins nothing but our undying love and affection. And this, surely, is worth more than the total budget of that film by James Cameron
Photograph: Ian West/PA

And the film of the year award goes to ... A Prophet, by the French director Jacques Audiard. It is a movie about a prison (not Pandora) and Arabs (not avatars)
Photograph: Ian West/PA

But wait – who's raising a ruckus at the back of the hall? It can only be Quentin Tarantino, one of the Hollywood big guns, no doubt livid not to have won this year's best director or best film or best dye-job award. Surely there is something we can give him instead ...
Photograph: Ian West/PA

So OK, line him for a mug-shot too. A round of rapturous applause, please, for Mr Quentin Tarantino, proud recipient of the Dilys Powell award for outstanding achievement. Now everyone can go home happy. Except the blue aliens
Photograph: Stuart Wilson/Getty Images