London 2012: the best and worst Olympics merchandise

Scalextric Velodrome set, £70
Winner: Recall those halcyon days spent whizzing your cars off the tracks and into the wall in an effort to cause the most spectacular crash ... Oh, that was just us? Well, now there's the option to do it with fancy Olympic bikes.
Available from shop.london2012.com Photograph: PR

London 2012 Pictogram apron, £15
Winner: OK, it's not an aerodynamic unitard that will enable you to move around the kitchen at the speed of light, but it is quite a cute design.
Available from shop.london2012.com Photograph: PR

London 1948 Olympic games art print, £10
40 x 50
Winner: Reigniting interest in the discus event among ladies everywhere, the classic design of this 1940s poster will look excellent on living room walls across the nation.
Available from shop.london2012.com Photograph: PR

London 2012 Monopoly board game, £35
Winner: Indulge your inner money-grabbing sports(wo)man with an Olympic-themed Monopoly game. Those involved in game-fixing will be disqualified.
Available from shop.london2012.com Photograph: PR

London 2012 commemorative teddy bear, £85
Winner: Soft and cuddly, the exterior of this cute teddy bear hides a core of competitive steel, just like the British athletes.
Available from shop.london2012.com Photograph: PR

London 2012 Olympic mascots, £170
Loser: Who's afraid of the big bad mascot? This smiling girl might not be, but we are. Those who have read Odysseus's encounter with the one-eyed Polyphemus will know why. Now where did those sheep get to ...
Available from shop.london2012.com Photograph: Adam Sorenson Imagery/PR

London 2012 union flag men's T-shirt, £16
Loser: Like something from George at Asda. But more expensive.
Available from shop.london2012.com Photograph: PR

London 2012 Wenlock Queens' Guard bed linen set, £30
Loser: The Cyclops are back again, this time to give you nightmares while you're sleeping.
Available from shop.london2012.com Photograph: PR

London 2012 flags cushion, £85
Loser: Like something Kirstie Allsopp would make, this homespun Olympic cushion will get all your friends gossiping behind your back when they come to visit.
Available from shop.london2012.com Photograph: PR

London 2012 limited edition stainless steel playing cards, £2,000
Loser: Last but not least, we have the solid silver ... er, sorry, STAINLESS STEEL playing cards. And at a very fair price too.
Available from shop.london2012.com Photograph: PR