Lloyds has finally got the memo about family-centric Christmas ads. But it seems to have been delivered to the bank in binary code. Far from tugging at the nation’s heartstrings, its festive offering is as cheery as a reminder that your house may be repossessed if you don’t keep up your mortgage repayments. It’s all about a little girl who wants to find the perfect gift for Mum. So far, so John Lewis. The difference, however, is that this child is a product of rampant capitalism. Although Dad’s told her that a star is something that MONEY CAN’T BUY, off to the shops she bounds, where she enlists the help of a beleaguered employee. As if zero-hour contracts weren’t humiliating enough, he’s dressed as an elf.
Here’s where things start to get really improbable. “It was really easy with Dad’s Apple Pay!” she declares, casually whipping out an iPhone. Does Lloyds really think that children negotiate financial transactions on shopping trips, in between screaming and weeing themselves? And surely she’s too young to have had all that Father Christmas malarkey spoiled for her already? Kids might be growing up faster nowadays, but you get the sense that this child would have no qualms in cutting out the tooth fairy altogether and invoicing her parents for her milky gnashers. “I love you to the stars,” she says, presenting Mum with her gift, a “name a star” kit that’s the seasonal equivalent of snake oil. “I love you to the stars... and back”, says mum, panic in her eyes as she realises that she’s looking at the winner of The Apprentice 2035. Perhaps they should have aired this one at Halloween instead.
