And here’s Andy Hunter’s match report:
Full time: Liverpool 3-0 Middlesbrough
Peep peep! After a nervous first 45 minutes, Liverpool eased to the victory that ensures they will play in the Champions League qualifiers next season. They fully deserve it for an erratic but often exhilarating season’s work, and you suspect there will be a glory night or two at Anfield in the competition next season. Congratulations to Liverpool and City, commiserations to Arsenal. Thanks for your company throughout the Premier League season, bye!
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90 min Tottenham are winning 7-1 at Hull.
89 min It’s been a bad day at two offices for Chambers: his current club Middlesbrough are losing 3-0, and as a result his parent club Arsenal will miss out on the Champions League.
88 min A bit of manbags from Moreno and Chambers, who square up and push each other over something and nothing.
87 min “Shooooooooooot” scream the crowd as Lucas receives the ball 20 yards inside his own half. At the end of a long, hard season, Liverpool are enjoying themselves, both on the pitch and in the stands.
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86 min Alberto Moreno comes on for James Milner, perhaps also for a farewell appearance. Lucas takes the captain’s armband, a nice touch.
84 min The crowd urge Lucas to shoot every time he gets the ball. Instead he contributes repeatedly to a patient passing move, until the ball is moved wide to Milner. He sidefoots a terrific first-time cross that skims right across the face of goal.
83 min Daniel Sturridge comes off, to be replaced by Divock Origi.
82 min Negredo lofts a very good pass over the defence for Forshaw, who watches the ball over his shoulder but then drags his volley wide of the far post. He probably should have scored.
78 min Roberto Firmino comes off to be replaced by Lucas Leiva, the admirable old pro who may be playing his last game for Liverpool.
77 min Can’s low shot is well held by Guzan. Liverpool would like the embroidery of a fourth goal, but there isn’t the same edge to their play that there was 20 minutes ago.
76 min Crikey, Harry Kane has biffed another hat-trick for Spurs. He is turning into a monster.
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75 min Just heard a rumour that Twin Peaks is back tonight. Stays on here.
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74 min A Middlesbrough change: Fabio off, Daniel Ayala on. Make that two changes. Alvaro Negredo replaces the thunderingly ineffective Gestede.
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73 min Sturridge lollipops Leadbitter to within an inch of his sanity and then bends one not far wide from long-range.
71 min “If, as a keeper, you plant yourself in the middle at a free-kick,” begins Stuart Ives, “A) you blind yourself from the wall; B) often you’ll leave you weak side exposed.”
Yes, fair point. What I meant, and conspicuously failed to say, is that I don’t understand why keepers plant their weight on one foot. That’s the real problem, not the positioning.
70 min Lallana’s deflected shot is comfortably saved by Guzan, whose kick downfield stays in the field of play! (And goes straight to Lovren.)
69 min “Guzan can’t keep it in the field of play,” says Joe Pearson. “Honestly, how many has he kicked directly out? Six? Seven?”
I missed that completely as well but will be keeping an eye out from hereon in. You’re welcome!
67 min Firmino plays a slick one-two with Lallana on the left and dinks a clever, flashy little ball into Wijnaldum, who slashes an acrobatic volley wide of the far post. Liverpool have played some terrific stuff since the 45th minute, with the marvellous Firmino involved in almost all their best moves.
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66 min Liverpool will be dangerous outsiders in the Champions League. Their big-game record under Jurgen Klopp is tremendous, and even the best European teams won’t enjoy being harassed under the lights at Anfield. The worry for Liverpool is how it might impact upon their league form, especially as their squad isn’t the strongest.
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64 min Coutinho frees Firmino in the box. His first touch is fractionally heavy, and then he tries to flick it back to Wijnaldum rather than shoot. It was nice improvisation but a Boro defender came across to clear.
63 min “Why do goalkeepers try and guess on free kicks?” says Hugh Molloy. “Just stand in the middle and you’ll save all but the best, stand on one side and play games and you can get beaten by mediocrity.” Agreed, it’s an odd and illogical approach. Peter Schmeichel often did it as well, especially in the Nou Camp.
62 min “Third goal, and I still can’t relax,” weeps Matt Dony. “This is what Liverpool have done to me when playing lower-down teams. I have lost all sense of reason.”
Yeah, you’ve reached a very special level of pessimism there.
61 min Well, that’s the top of the table settled then. Manchester City, who lead Watford 5-0, will finish third, with Liverpool in fourth and Arsenal fifth for the first time under Arsene Wenger. Thanks for your company throughout the season, bye!
59 min Gestede has been booked by Martin Atkinson, presumably for dissent.
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58 min Liverpool are really enjoying themselves now. Coutinho, in the D, flips the ball up and hits a low volley that is fingertipped round the post by Guzan.
The goal came from a Middlesbrough corner. Liverpool broke, with five against two at one stage, only for Lallana to mishit his attempted pass. It didn’t matter because the ball was kept alive by Liverpool and Lallana burst into the area to receive Wijnaldum’s headed pass before sliding the ball across Guzan with his left foot.
GOAL! Liverpool 3-0 Middlesbrough (Lallana 56)
Liverpool are running riot!
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55 min There’s a triumphant din at Anfield now, and the trial has indeed turned into a party.
54 min “One more exam tomorrow and then my undergraduate degree is done,” says Billy Huband-Thompson. “‘Champions League football is more important than a good mark’. Discuss. (20 marks). Enjoying (read: enduring) the stream.”
I got 28 per cent in a Geography exam the morning after Man Utd beat Arsenal 6-2 at Highbury in 1990. The two were not entirely unrelated.
53 min Firmino’s vicious volley is heroically blocked by Friend.
That was a fine free-kick. Guzan and everyone else expected Coutinho to aim for the near side, the top-right corner; instead he wrapped his foot around the ball and whipped a bouncing free-kick into the bottom-left corner. Guzan might still have got there, but it was a lovely, disguised strike.
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GOAL! Liverpool 2-0 Middlesbrough (Coutinho 51)
Philippe Coutinho ensures Liverpool will be in the Champions League (qualifiers) next season!
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50 min Sturridge is pushed over 30 yards from goal by Clayton. This might be a chance for Coutinho...
49 min The early signs are that Liverpool won’t be sitting on their one-goal lead, which is surely the right approach. If this is 1-0 up after 85 minutes, it’ll be squeaky-bum time in excelsis.
48 min Jurgen Klopp literally started beating his own chest when Wijnaldum scored. I have no idea what to make of that.
47 min “Is It just me, or did Danny Sturridge look decidely grumpy to not be played in by Wijnaldum EVEN AFTER THE BALL CROSSED THE LINE?” says Drew Gough. “I picture him spending half time mumbling ‘shoulda been me’.”
Oh, I missed that. Sounds quite out of character though.
46 min Peep peep! Boro begin the second half, kicking from left to right.
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“Thanks, David Forrest!” says Dennis Mumby. “I feel thoroughly vindicated, perhaps a little smug, even.”
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The Sky pundits - Graeme Souness, Gary Neville and Jamie Carragher - all think Middlesbrough should have had a penalty for that challenge by Lovren on Bamford, and a red card for Lovren as well.
“Hello from Sri Lanka,” says David Forrest. “Re the guy on 27 minutes who thought the new strip looked 1970s, please see this photo of The King - it’s pure 1978!”
Half time: Liverpool 1-0 Middlesbrough
Liverpool are on course for the Champions League, and to hell with a very nervous first 45 minutes 33 seconds. See you soon for the second half.
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It was a good goal. Firmino, with his back to goal, flicked the ball smartly round the corner to Wijnaldum, who surged into the box onto his own superb first touch and screamed a rising shot past Guzan at the near post. That came right off the sweet spot.
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GOAL! Liverpool 1-0 Middlesbrough (Wijnaldum 45+1)
There’s the heavy metal football! What’s past is prologue, and Liverpool can forget their dismal first-half performance because they have scored in injury-time.
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45 min Liverpool are playing chillout football when everyone expected heavy metal.
44 min Another nervous moment for Liverpool as Bamford breaks into the box on the right. He tried to abracadabra his way past Matip, with almost no room to play with by the touchline, and failed.
43 min Manchester City have done their work: they lead Watford 4-0 and will be finishing third in the table. Ten-man Arsenal still lead Everton 2-0.
41 min Middlesbrough are having an even share of the game at the moment. The nervousness around the ground is almost surreal. It’s Middlesbrough at home!
40 min “Can you play Ally’s Army at half-time?” requests Alun Pugh. “Anfield: that’s the venue of the infamous Joe Jordan handball in 1977 that cheated Wales out of a place in the World Cup Finals. I was singing “Ally’s Army” and laughing all through the 1-3 Peru match. Not that Welsh fans hold grudges or are bitter, mind.”
If you can’t bring up a grudge in an almost entirely unrelated match 40 years later, then when can you?
39 min Some more relaxed, penetrative football from Boro. Friend meanders forward, plays a one-two with Gestede and then backheels the ball into the area for Bamford. He tries to make room for a shot that deflects behind for Boro’s first corner. Mignolet punches it clear.
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36 min Lallana shoots unnecessarily and optimistically from long range, bringing another comfortable save from Guzan. The crowd are so nervous, and that has definitely started to affect the players, who are shooting way too often from distance. They just need to keep their nerve, there is loads of time and they should only need one goal.
34 min Lallana almost makes something out of nothing, picking up a loose ball and surging into the area. Gibson tracks him all the way and concedes a corner, the first of the match. Excellent defending.
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34 min Anyone out there, or are you all busy at the fingernail buffet?
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33 min That’s better from Liverpool. Coutinho feeds a gentle ball into Sturridge, who turns smartly and drives a right-footed shot just wide from 15 yards. Jurgen Klopp growls and punches the air at the fans, asking for more noise.
32 min I’m at a loss to explain why Liverpool are playing so modestly. I MBMed their home games against Spurs and Arsenal, when they played the most exhilarating football.
31 min Coutinho fizzes a shot wide from 25 yards. Guzan was happy to watch it go by.
30 min “‘cleverly got in front of Lovren’,” says William Hargreaves of the 23rd-minute entry. “What match is this?”
What day is this?
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29 min Liverpool’s tempo has been relatively slow, I’ve no idea why. They aren’t playing well, but there is loads of time to address that. And they need to win, because Arsenal and Manchester City both lead 2-0.
27 min “Is it my imagination, or is the new Liverpool strip a bit of a throwback to the 1970s?” asks Dennis Mumby. “Looks like a shirt I used to wear as a teenager back then. Perhaps in anticipation of Champions League football next year they’re trying to evoke those early glory days in Europe?”
I didn’t get the 1970s from looking at it but I did get a sense of the past. It is quite neat, prim even.
25 min Boro are playing some good stuff now. Downing’s lofted cross from the left is perfect for Gestede, who towers about Lovren near the penalty spot and flicks a header just wide of the far post.
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23 min Having seen the replay, I’m not sure about that penalty appeal. Bamford played a fine one-two with Forshaw and then cleverly got in front of Lovren so that there would be contact from the rear. Whether it was enough for a penalty, I don’t know. I suspect a penalty would be given maybe six or seven times out of 10 for something like that.
22 min Middlesbrough have a huge shout for a penalty turned down! Bamford broke through on goal behind Lovren, who seemed to bring him down clumsily, but Martin Atkinson waved his hands from side to side, the universal sign of self-importance. Sorry, the universal sign for ‘no penalty’.
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21 min Can briefly turns into John Travolta, dancing past a couple of defenders before crashing an excellent rising shot just wide of the far top corner.
20 min The one thing Middlesbrough have going for them is that they can defend - they’ve conceded fewer goals than any other team in the bottom half - and they are doing it well so far. After a free-kick bounces nicely, Firmino’s shot is superbly blocked, as is Wijnaldum’s stinging follow-up.
18 min ... which Downing whacks into the wall.
17 min Bamford is fouled by Milner, just outside the box to the right. Arsenal’s Calum Chambers will come forward for the free-kick...
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16 min Milner’s cross is flicked on by Firmino to Wijnaldum, who spins and hits a shot that is blocked by Gibson. Meanwhile, some very good news for Liverpool: Arsenal are down to 10 men against Everton, with Laurent Koscielny sent off.
13 min After a very good start, Liverpool have had a few minutes of more sterile domination. They still have loads of time, and they have the huge advantage of knowing Boro are almost certainly not going to
cross the halfway line
score a goal.
12 min Liverpool have had 82 per cent possession so far. The atmosphere isn’t great, surprisingly.
11 min “Midnight in Australia, the hound not interested,” says Tom Ballantyne, attaching a picture of a snoozing dinky that I can’t upload. “Says something about the state of modern Liverpool/football that I’m riding this like a European Cup final.”
9 min Liverpool can do things at their leisure, knowing they have 90 minutes to get the goal they need. There is no way Middlesbrough will score here. As things stand, Liverpool are fifth in the table - Arsenal and Manchester City both lead. No need to panic, as Boro are dreadful.
6 min Milner’s lofted cross skims across a crowded box to the other full-back Clyne, who takes it down well but then thrashes a good chance wide of the far post on the half-volley. It’s all Liverpool.
4 min In a surprising development, Liverpool have had almost all the possession in the first few minutes.
2 min Coutinho goes on a long, winding run across the field before suddenly whipping a very dangerous cross into the six-yard box. Sturridge was already through his heading motion when Chambers made a vital clearance, flicking it away with his own noggin.
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1 min Firmino has the first shot after 21 seconds, a low long-ranger that is comfortably held by the sprawling Guzan.
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1 min Peep peep! Liverpool, in their new 2017-18 home kit, kick off from left to right. Boro are in their blue away kit.
The players are having their pre-match hugs. Ready? Let’s rumble.
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Prediction Liverpool 5-0 Middlesbrough
“Just wanted to send a quick thank you to you and the rest of Team Guardian Towers for a season’s worth of MBM Reports,” says Hubert O’Hearn. “We’ve laughed, we’ve mused, we’ve wandered down some unusual digressions, but never been bored. Well, you may have occasionally been bored, but that’s only because you’ve had to watch the matches. It’s been fun - suggest we do it all again next season. Now to open a few Tins and hope they are to celebrate Liverpool’s return to the CL and not a drowning of sorrows. Cheers!”
On behalf of all the MBM writers, I’d like to thank me as well. Cheers!
(But seriously folks, thanks for your company and emails. MBMing is more fun than it reads.)
Jurgen Klopp does his pre-match duty
“The players are fine. I’m really looking forward to it. All the good moments in this season have created 73 points and this opportunity. We’re in a very good position and that’s why I try to tell the boys. We have to create chances, but first of all we have to defend because they have nothing to lose. The plan is that we all shout together after the game ‘Yeeeeeeeeeessssssssss!’ Then a word with F and a lot of beeps, and then again ‘yes’!”
He looks extremely relaxed, and I don’t think he’s acting. The only thing that can stop Liverpool is if half the team take one last look in the mirror before they leave the dressing-room, and are possessed by Killer BOB. I fear modern referees would clamp down on BOB’s homicidal approach.
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An email! “Thanks for not linking to the Guardian article about this possibly being Sturridge’s last game,” says Ian Copestake, slightly overestimating my capacity for editorial judgement. “It is not his last game. He is a man to be cherished, celebrated and wished good luck for his struggles against injuries that have stopped him from being a legend at Anfield.”
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There will be plenty going on elsewhere on the final day of the season, and you can read all about it at your leisure via your digital weapon of choice.
A bit of the old pre-match reading
Team news
Roberto Firmino is fit and starts, as does Daniel Sturridge.
Liverpool (4-D-2) Mignolet; Clyne, Matip, Lovren, Milner; Can; Wijnaldum, Coutinho; Lallana; Sturridge, Firmino.
Substitutes: Karius, Alexander-Arnold, Klavan, Moreno, Lucas, Grujic, Origi.
Middlesbrough (4-3-3) Guzan; Fabio, Chambers, Gibson, Friend; Clayton, Leadbitter, Forshaw; Bamford, Gestede, Downing.
Substitutes: Dimi, Ayala, Bernardo, De Roon, Fischer, Stuani, Negredo.
Referee Martin Atkinson.
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Preamble
Good afternoon. Liverpool are Champions League royalty in exile. They have won it five times - the same as Barcelona and Bayern Munich, fewer than only Milan and Madrid - yet in recent times they have hardly been in it. Since appearing in each of Rafa Benitez’s six seasons as manager, usually with great success, they have qualified just once in seven years. It is something they intend to address today.
Liverpool have one game left, at Anfield, and if they win it they will finish in the top four. The good news is that it’s against Middlesbrough. The bad news is that it’s against Middlesbrough. All season Liverpool have had a problem against deep-lying defences and lesser teams (You want stats? I can get you stats. Believe me, there are ways; you don’t wanna know about it. Hell I can get you stats by 3 o’clock this afternoon, with data visualisations*). Middlesbrough tick both those boxes.
Surely, however, Liverpool’s greater need and greater quality will tell. You’d expect that, long before the match is over, they will have turned a trial into a party. If not, they will be relying on a favour from Everton, who go to fifth-placed Arsenal.
If permutations drain you of the will to live, look away now. If Liverpool win, they will qualify for the Champions League. If they draw or lose by a single goal, they will qualify provided Arsenal don’t beat Everton. If they lose by two goals and Arsenal draw, it will come down to goals scored and possibly a play-off. Far more likely is that, at around 4.54pm this afternoon, Liverpool will be back where they belong: among Europe’s elite.
Kick off is at 3pm.
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They have dropped 28 points against teams outside the Big Seven™, including defeats to Hull, Swansea, Burnley and Crystal Palace. To put that in context, the points dropped by the other top-four contenders are: Chelsea 7, Spurs 11, Manchester City 11 and Arsenal 15.
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