What’s more important than an obedient child?
“Morality is doing what's right no matter what you're told. Obedience is doing what you're told no matter what's right."— H.L. Mencken
As parents, we worry about being judged by others when we’re unable to control our children’s behaviour - having a child that obeys your wishes is the holy grail of parenting. But should it be?
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Obedient children grow into obedient adults - people unlikely to stand up for themselves and more at risk of being taken advantage of.
Other factors are far more important and worth working on with your children.
Here are seven attributes we should consider more important than obedience:
1. Negotiation skills
It's difficult to promote ultimate obedience without hurting a child’s body or breaking their spirit, but you can build a relationship where they want to cooperate with you.
As long as children feel heard and believe they have some choice in any situation, they’ll often follow our rules. The ability to find some middle ground - that both parties can agree on - is a skill that will benefit them long term, in all areas of life.
2. Being comfortable saying no
Bullies target people who don’t stick up for themselves. Teenagers who can safely assert their opinions to their parents are less likely to succumb to peer pressure.
The truth is, no parent can know what their child will have to face, so we can only give them all the inner resources we can.
So if your child resists your instructions, you should be proud that you’re raising someone with the ability to stand up for themselves; someone who may well refuse to go along with a person who is trying to take advantage.
3. Respect
Respect is a far more important attribute for a child than obedience.
Kids grow up to respect the people who listen to their thoughts, take their concerns seriously and work together with them to find solutions.
Adults who deal with stressful situations with grace and tact, earn the respect of the little eyes around them.
4. Self-discipline
Every time you ask your child to cooperate with you, they have to make a choice. Do as you ask, or do what they’d rather.
Each time they work with you for the greater good - like doing the dishes, getting a bath or completing homework - instead of finishing a computer game, they strengthen the neural pathways in their brain and that’s how children develop self-discipline.
This only works if the child switches gears willingly.
If they resist and you use force, they’re no longer building self-discipline neural pathways but learning that obedience equals safety.
5. Connection
Children are less likely to follow your lead if they feel disconnected from you.
Focusing on connection before correction sends the message: "You are more than your behaviours - you are worthy of love and respect simply because you are you."
Why on earth would your child feel disconnected? Maybe they’ve been away from you all day, or you lost your temper at them this morning, or perhaps they feel angry because you’re always seeing to the baby.
If you’re struggling to work together with your child, you may want to schedule in some quality time doing activities they enjoy. One on one fun time really opens up communication and strengthens your connection.
6. Trust
Children naturally look to their parents for nurturing and guidance.
If they believe you’re on their side, they want to please you. You don’t want your child’s obedience to be fear-based, you want a genuine cooperation that can only come from a foundation of trust.
Your kids need to know that you are safe. Not just physically safe, but emotionally. They need to know they can come to you when they make a mistake and you won’t freak out.
7. The ability to build strong relationships
Your kids need to be really known by you. Without a strong relationship, you will either have robotic obedience or rebellion.
They may ignore you completely or obey you because they fear the consequences of not doing so.
Focus on building a strong, mutually respectful relationship with your children and it will help them model relationships with others as they grow up and go out into the world on their own.
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