THE TIME IS NIGH
It’s the end of the Big Cup groups this week, and Liverpool head into their final match knowing that only a win over Basel/Basle/Baaaarrrl will suffice. Quite understandably, this desperate state of affairs has revived memories of a decade ago, when a misfiring Liverpool side went into their final group game against Olympiakos knowing that only a two-goal victory would see them through to the knockout stages, then promptly shipped another to leave themselves with quite the poser. But a hero stepped up to the plate that evening. All hail Neil Mellor, who came on with 11 minutes to go and Liverpool still two goals shy of their target. Mellor scored one before setting up another, and Liverpool were, with a 3-1 win secured against all the odds, through! What a legend! Ya beauty!
Sadly for today’s Liverpool, Mellor is long gone. As is Florent Sinama Pongolle, who like Mellor also notched a goal and an assist that night, though he took a whopping 45 minutes to make his contribution. For the record, Liverpool’s other goal was scored by a Steven Gerrard. He’s no longer with Liverpool either, having been replaced at approximately 2.53pm on 27 April 2014 by this pasty-white apparition that floats around aimlessly, staring 1,000 yards into the distance, never to blink. Some say it’s the same man, but anyone who went to that Chelsea game can see that’s not the case. So Gerrard’s gone too, which means Liverpool are in a right old pickle, and this is before they consider how Basel/Basle/Baaaarrrl won home and away against Chelsea last year, put Liverpool out at this stage in 2002, and have never lost against the Reds. Oh $tevie! Why did you leave!
In fairness to the apparition, it’s been doing quite well of late, having put in a shift against Leicester City last week, then played quite a nice crossfield pass while coming on as a late sub against Sunderland at the weekend. It’s not quite Steven Gerrard of old, but what can you expect from a shadowy wraith. Whether a mere apparition has the heft to drive Liverpool to victory against a side which has won seven of their last eight games, and conceded just two goals in their last seven, and one of those to Real Madrid, is a moot point. And perhaps explains why Brendan Rodgers is considering naming 17-year-old wing prospect Sheyi Ojo on the bench, with a view to throwing on the pacy youngster should things get desperate. Which, if Liverpool’s form since 2.53pm on 27 April 2014 is anything to go by, they almost certainly will.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Everything is $hit because we lost” – Southampton manager Ronald Koeman echoes the thoughts of hundreds of thousands of football fans at 4.50pm every Saturday after his side’s 2-1 loss to Manchester United, a result that prompted Gary Neville to get Louis van Gaal in a funk by saying this weekend’s United v Liverpool game will resemble a pub match. “He has to pay attention to his words,” sniffed Van Gaal, who knows a thing or two about these things.
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FIVER LETTERS
“As a fan of Woody Allen’s earlier, funny films, I developed an emotional connection to his work and feel committed to seeing each new film he produces. Unfortunately there has been a significant drop in quality over the years, despite the occasional recent bright spot, and so I’m often left disappointed and not having got value for the price of my cinema ticket, yet still I cannot just abandon my commitment to his oeuvre. Nonetheless, I don’t think this commitment, and the fact that I’m paying good money only to be left disappointed by his work, gives me the right to go along to the set of his current film and start heckling him while he’s trying to direct. Indeed, I can’t see how this might help someone perform an analytical, complicated job where he needs to be able to concentrate in order to even have chance of doing it well. And, if I did take it on myself to try to provide some such motivation, I couldn’t really object if Woody returned my heckling in kind (and his would probably be a lot funnier than mine), or even get the set security to have me removed. I assumed football management would be analogous, but perhaps certain Leicester City fans can set me right about that?” – David Wall.
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“I’m pretty sure that Paul Cantwell cannot possibly qualify as Uncle of the Year if he can only estimate his number of nephews as a ‘dozen or so’. It demonstrates a weak grasp of important details” – Tom Goodfellow.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Tom Goodfellow, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2015, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got enough copies to see us through to the end of the week, so keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Ruben Loftus-Cheek, surely the first and only player whose surname features a rival’s ground and a body part (Liverpool’s David Goodison-Knee? The Queen’s Celtic’s Nathan Ibrox-Clavical? Stanley Molineux-Nostril of West Brom?) is set to make his Chelsea debut against Sporting on Wednesday.
Optimism’s Arsène Wenger wants fans to critique him in May, not after every soul-sapping defeat: “We want to be judged at the end of the season. We want to be judged then, not after every single game.” He also wants the moon on a stick and chocolate buttons made by Norwegian wizards.
After finally realising that Big Sam isn’t going to come knocking, Connor Wickham has signed a new four-year deal at Sunderland. “I think it was very important to tie down a young English centre forward, as there are not many around,” said Gus Poyet, tightening the knot.
Serie A paupers Parma have been docked a point by Italian FA suits for breaking financial regulations.
Steve Harper says he is “open-minded” about his future at Hull. “I’m 40 in March and, while I don’t feel it, I realise nothing lasts for life,” cheered the goalkeeper, who has clearly been let down by a number of shower fittings and high-end saucepans.
St Mirren have axed boss Tommy Craig after just 19 matches in charge. “We had great confidence in Tommy. He is one of the best coaches I’ve ever seen working at St Mirren,” cheered chairman Stewart Gilmour, before bundling him on the good ship Do One anyway.
And QPR have denied that Steven Caulker was involved in a bout of seasonal-party-fisticuffs. “Steven Caulker slipped over and hurt his head and is fine,” nothing-to-see-hered chairman Tony Fernandes.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Laurent Blanc stands alone undefeated in Europe. Julien Laurens has the lowdown from Ligue 1.
STILL WANT MORE?
Who are the most popular football clubs on FaceTube, Twittergram, Instabook and You–bah? Jamie Jackson investigates.
Paul Doyle gives us the skinny on Basel/Basle/Baaaarrrl’s Breel Embolo, a schoolboy capable of teaching Liverpool a lesson. Brendan Rodgers had better have done his homework, etc and so forth.
What happened to the 10 youngest scorers in Big Cup?
What is the worst performance you have ever seen from a winning team?
Questions!
Win! Win! Win! Win (home) tickets to West Brom v Aston Villa this weekend.
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