2.30 So after a quick shot of a band playing on a melting ice cap, we're over to Razorlight. Johnny Borrell is showing his manly chest. He does boxing training you know. Johnny just said 'We'd rather have done this than not done it' - high enthusiasm there.
2.35 Alan Carr was quite funny I thought. "Don't think because if you live in Maidstone it doesn't affect you... mind you, if you live in Maidstone you've got bigger fish to fry".
2.40 Snow Patrol are doing one of their trademark dirges although the crowd look more excited than they have done since the start (ie mildly interested rather than semi-comatose). Weird that people have got here so late, no?
2.41 It said in The Sun the other day that Snow Patrol would be following up Eyes Open with Shut Your Eyes - oh my God, they are. It's this kind of crazy imagination and maverick creativity which makes them so successful.
2.45 Well, they're doing the hit anyway. I can't believe Gary Lightbody is wearing such a horrible jumper. Am feeling quite annoyed it's such a nice day as well. Why wasn't it like this at Glastonbury?
2.48 Snow Patrol are so unglamorous they make Razorlight look like Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars. They're definitely top of the sops in the whingeing stakes too. Then again, biggest selling album in the UK last year, so what do I know? Oh, they've stopped.
2.51 Half of Duran Duran are being interviewed by Graham Norton. I'm glad Andy Warhol's not still around to see the state of Nick Rhodes.
2.53 Edith Bowman just said she's glad we're here to see so many types of different bands. Yes, we've run the gamut all the way from Razorlight to Snow Patrol so far...
2.54 Jack Osbourne just told Jonathan Ross the Osbournes don't recycle. "I've heard it doesn't actually do much good". Brilliant.
2.57 They're loving Jack Johnson over in Sydney. Well, I think so - it's a bit too dark over there to see...
3.00 Damien Rice and David Gray - together at last! They're doing Babylon. "For crying out loud" - my thoughts entirely. I've still not forgiven David Gray for his assassination of Soft Cell's Say Hello, Wave Good Bye, never mind the sundry other crimes against music.
3.04 Damien Rice is doing Blower's Daughter. That's not the only thing that's blowing this afternoon.
3.09 They're doing Que Sera Sera with the lyrics changed to fit the occasion - "Will I be able to play in the trees / The rain is coming down full of disease" (or something). Isn't "whatever will be, will be" a bit of a weird message for something that's meant to spur us into green activism? Oh, the last verse there went "Will we be choking on our own shit?" by the way.
3.12 Jonathan Ross: "To be frank, I'm rather glad that's over. It was like a stag night in a karaoke bar" - arf.
3.17 Damien and David with Edith - the umpeenth set of musicians to complain that they couldn't hear anything. Getting the excuses in early I guess. Edith - "that was incredible". Yes, I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing either.
3.20 Now Les Dennis is on. He loved Genesis. Mildly amusing joke - he says he saved energy by turning the radio off when Jonathan Ross came on. OK, OK, on a weekend like this you've got to take your entertainment where you can find it.
3.23 Here come Kasabian. Tom the singer is wearing a shirt made of a cut-up Union Jack and very tight jeans. I'm not a huge fan but at least they look like bloody rock stars.
3.26 The drummer looks like he's wearing a mousy version of Mrs Slocombe from Are You Being Served's wig. I admire the general effort though. They are giving it loads.
3.29 It's Club Foot, AKA the one that goes "Oosh! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah..."
3.31 Liam Gallagher (in the audience), get yer fookin' hair cut. He looks like Dougle from the Magic Roundabout wearing Tom of Finland's hat.
3.32 Tom - "Let's save the polar bears"...
3.35 "Ah! Come on! We've got our backs to the wall!" It ain't Shakespeare, but it's laughs - which is more than we've had in the previous two and a half hours.
3.39 Well done Kasabian. It isn't saying much, but you've been the best band so far. In case the excitement was getting a bit much, Corinne Bailey Ray is now being interviewed by Graham Norton. I'm off for a wee.
3.45 This whole "Concerts like this are crucial to get the message across to 20 year olds" thing gets right on my tits. Like they wouldn't have received the info any other way. Meanwhile, Thandie Newton is telling us that if we turned our appliances to standby rather than off we'd save enough CO2 to fill 45 Wembley Stadiums. I'm no chemist, but how do they work that out given that it's a gas?
3.48 Thandie Newton is having to fill because Al Gore's not ready. Do the David Brent dance, Thandie! Oh, now she's telling knock knock jokes. This is brilliant.
3.52 Al Gore's on from Washington, in front of two large bongo drums.
3.55 Al's giving the seven-point Live Earth pledge. Clear goals and concrete solutions, unlike the hot air that's been wafting vaguely around Wembley so far this afternoon.
3.58 Oh crikey, it's Garth Brooks. Except we've hastily cut back to Wembley where it's Paolo Nutini, who's stooping like a monkey and picking something out of his arse (OK, it might have been the sound pack thing on his jeans). How many of these annoying drips can we put up with?
4.03 Paolo's the umpteeth musician today to have minor-league face-fuzz. I reckon they're getting into the general "back to the 80s" spirit by sporting what was known back then as "designer stubble".
4.06 Now he's doing What A Wonderful World. I'm trying to work out who the berk sounds like. Is it Sammy Davis Jnr? Anyway, he isn't riveting Geri Halliwell - the camera just cut to showing her in the audience deep in conversation.
4.10 I thought he was going to launch into a deranged cover of Franz Ferdinand's Take Me Out there, but it turned out to be his own number Jenny Don't Be Hasty instead. Boo.
4.20 The environmentalists got cut off in their prime because Black Eyed Peas are on. Do you think Fergie will wet herself onstage again? For entertainment value, it would certainly beat any of their songs.
4.24 Bloody hell, was that dire. And knowing their back catalogue, it could easily get worse, namely if they do My Humps.
4.25 Mood has been lifted by a brilliantly embarrassing girl in the audience dancing over-enthusiastically on her boyfriend's shoulders - writhing, hair tossing, you get the picture.
4.30 Fergie has just said "Sometimes you have to walk away from situations because it's the right thing to do." Damn straight, so I'm handing over to Jon Wilde on the other thread. Laters - and remember, don't leave your telly on standby. Just switch the damn thing right off!
