Bored? Then read about the beginning (including Genesis and Razorlight!), or a bit in the middle (Snow Patrol. Yes they did Chasing Cars). Did Fergie wet herself? Find out in the bit where the Black Eyed Peas played here and proper band Red Hot Chili Peppers here
7.15pm In a slightly odd cut, the BBC preferred to stay with the end of Ricky Martin or Julio Inglesias or whoever old snake hips was in Germany rather than the beginning of Metallica here in shiny new Wembley. Strange decision - perhaps the gallery director isn't a big metalhead.
7.16pm I say Metallica. I'm not an aficionado. It could be Spinal Tap.
7.19pm I've drifted off during the intro to what my programme tells me is Nothing Else Matters. Anyway. How are we? Relaxing after a hard day's changing lightbulbs and unplugging phone chargers? ooh, ooh, I know this one. Who knew? Da, da, da, nothing else maaaatters... It's OK, this is entirely within the spirit of the event. No one at Wembley knows any more words to this than I do.
7.25pm That's quite enough Metallica for BBC1 on a Saturday night thank you very much. This is the Doctor Who slot. Cut to Sydney and Crowded House singing their hit. Not that one, the other one about the weather. Take the weather with you.. See it was prescient actually. And you thought it was just lame.
Is a member of Crowded House holding a baby strapped to his chest on stage??? Good god. They obviously don't have Health and Safety in Australia.
Also, I can't help but notice that the House's singalong in Sydney is going better than Keane's did in Wembley. I suppose it helps to have had fewer international pop successes. Australians pay more attention to their balladeers and don't mock them for being pudgy and not really alcoholics. Sorry, Tom from Keane.
Hello. In an unscheduled development, Katie Melua has popped up to sing her song about the 9million bicycles in Beijing which are, at least, not polluting the atmosphere unlike everything else in China.
She did a version of this for Chris Evans where she re-sang it with a more accurate total of the actual number of bicycles in Beijing. It was funny. Well funnier than you would give either Melua or Evans credit for, to be honest.
7.35pm Jonathan Ross and Stephen Merchant are attempting some comedy banter to fill in until Spinal Tap come on. I'm surprised actually at Ross's lack of environmental balance today. He got in so much trouble for failing to put the case for Not Making Poverty History that you'd think he'd spend longer on climate change deniers...
Now Lucy Siegle of the Observer is on with Graham Norton. She is both intelligent and knowledgeable. And she looks lovely in what I feel sure must be ethical fashion.
7.39pm Excellent. We got a lovely prolonged close up of a boom mic there, while Bowman interviews one of Metallica. I don't know who but he has a five week old son at the age of 108 so I'm assuming he's quite wealthy.
Ricky Gervais is doing the thing where he feigns ignorance of the cause. But hurrah, he's introducing THE TAP.
7.41pm Aah. Rob Reiner. And Jamie Lee Curtis's husband. TV heaven. "Hello Wimbledon!" shouts Nigel Tufnel (Lord Lee Curtis) before mouthing, "Wembley?" and then launching into the eery intro to Stonehenge.
Glancing at the crowd, it seems possible that not everyone at Wembley has seen Spinal Tap quite as many times as I have.
7.48pm "If you're anything like us, you are a carbon-based life form. So whatever you do, don't exhale. We've had quite enough of that".
Frankly I've heard worse this afternoon. Yes Johnny Borrell, I *am* talking about you.
7.53pm In a decision which echoes the earlier baffling cut away from hugely popular Metallica to old Aussies Crowded House; the BBC leaves Spinal Tap - which was the most amusing and tuneful performance of the day so far - to feature some woman called Rhianna who is messing about with Tainted Love in Japan. She is wearing Olivia Newton John's costume from the end of Grease. Which probably explains why the director feels we will enjoy her homage to Soft Cell.
7.56pm Something amusing has been happening on stage involving many many guitarists all playing with the Tap. We didn't see it, though, because ... well you know.
8pm Ross reveals that he is "filling, while we wait for James Blunt to arrive on stage". Jesus. I've never heard a better description of the moments before death. Stay away from the light, people.
8.03pm Ricky Gervais is apologising for his performance at the diana thing last week. I didn't see it. Was he awful? I'm probably not going to find out from a bunch of Guardian readers am I? Oh bloody hell. Improbable supermodel shagger and former TA cadet James Blunt is here with that stupid song.
Not You're Beautiful. The one that I always think is called Tiny Dancer, but might be about Wise Men. Whatever.
(Just as I was typing the words WHO LIKES HIM? the camera cut to three women of about my age in the crowd singing incredibly enthusiastically to every word. I apologise for my sex. Also generation.)
Oh no. Don't you dare do a Cat Stevens song. You bastard. I'm going to the loo before he ruins my enjoyment of this forever.
[As an aside: so scarred am I by the exhortations of Corinne Bailey Nutini Legend not to overfill the kettle, I just had to boil it twice due to overcorrecting. This is a valid problem I feel should be raised. Can someone ring the BBC? Seriously, they'll broadcast anything today.]
I'm actively trying not to listen to JB. But he does bleat on doesn't he? Sounds like bloody Lamb Chop.
"Who doesn't love James Blunt?" inquires Chris Rock. I've never thought of him as a bleakly ironic comedian. But he just followed it with: "I pray that this event ends global warming, like Live Aid ended world hunger".
ARRUGA. ARRUGA. [That's the official media alert alarm] Chris Rock just said the n-word. "Global warming is so bad in America now, white people are calling each other n--".
Now I know we the media have basically decided that it's OK for black people to say it. If they want. But I'm prepared to lay quite a lot of money that that's the last we see of Chris Rock on BBC1. Never mind that he said the three funniest things of the entire day, between that and the mo-fo incident, the BBC standards and compliance department can't take any more.
And in genuinely controversial news, KT Tunstall is wearing a seriously offensive pair of gold leggings on stage somewhere in the US. Really, they're awful. Not helped by the black hotpants and white sneakers she's teamed them with, but frankly I don't think anything *would* help.
8.26pm The Beastie Boys have arrived in very nice grey Man at M&S suits, like Bryan Ferry used to advertise before he expressed appreciation for the aesthetics of the Nazis. To demonstrate, presumably, how far they've come since they fought for their right to party and were responsible for that nasty spate of VW badge thefts in the 80s. Which was the last time the BBC1 audience heard of them.
8.31pm In all the excitement I've spilt my coffee all down my pyjamas. This is going to necessitate boiling the kettle again and putting the washing machine on. Corinne is not going to be happy.
8.32pm Predictably we have left the Beasties to it, so that we can go to rainy Hamburg and watch Shakira wiggle her arse. It *is* fairly hypnotic. Certainly the cameraman can't keep stay away from it. Or even maintain a respectful distance.
8.39pm This is the balance bit. Or the science bit and, yes, it's about on the level of the science in a shampoo advert. Here we have David Baddiel and Jonathan Ross having a row about climate change. Baddiel is a climate change denier, though he is uncomfortable with the term because he feels it's... oh.. I really can't be arsed to articulate his argument -- God knows, he's not making any effort himself.
Bowman's with the Beasties. They do look, um, somewhat mature. Also stoned.
8.44pm That's more like it, THE DOLLS. Here's what we've all been waiting for. Certainly if we work in the BBC gallery. Some wholesome ladies from over the pond wearing clothes that have apparently shrunk in the wash. It is a subliminal warning against using a hot wash and further wasting the world's resources -- it can damage your wardrobe as well as the polar icecaps.
The good news is, we can really relax into these four songs we've never heard of because there's absolutely no danger that we'll need to cut away from these six incredibly talented lapdancers to, say, a rock act in Germany or an accoustic ballad in New Jersey.
I think that song was called ''Loosing up my Buns". Can't be right, can it?
Dear Lord, get the camera away from that poor woman's crotch. Those PVC trousers are riding up so tightly we can see her cervix. I fear she's going to get a yeast infection if she persists in wearing manmade fibres at that proximity.
[I was worried it was unsisterly to look at them and immediately think 'lapdancers' but then let's face it, little is less sisterly than their big hit... And right on cue, here it is..]
"Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" Not since "don't marry her, fuck me" has such an empowering female lyric been created.
See, this is why we need the Spice Girls back.
9pm David Tennant is drooling over the Pussycat Dolls. A part of me has died.
Now he's explaining how much he enjoyed Snow Patrol and Damian Rice. Well, Tennant, I'm taking my A Levels and my inability to wear stretch lycra and shifting my affections elsewhere. I'm too bloody cool for you, mate.
Both Graham Norton and Jonathan Ross are now interviewing James Blunt.
9.06pm Interesting. This is Toni Collette (her out of Little Miss Sunshine and Muriel's Wedding and I see dead people) singing Children of the Revolution in Sydney.
Doesn't seem promising, I admit, but she gets top ranking from me. Number one in my segment. Not only can she properly sing, but there's a surprise factor. Plus, as a bonus, dressed nicely, good song choice and she's playing the drums. Hurray for anyone who isn't James Blunt.
9.11pm In an episode that can only be described as scraping the bottom of the proverbial, we are now in Rio. I thought the free concert at Copacabana got cancelled, but evidently not and we can only be thankful for otherwise we never would've seen the proof that Brazil would walk the Eurovision were they only allowed to enter.
A woman dressed top to toe in white is leading the crowd in a sort of macarena-esque thing, surrounded by young boys in football kits of the world. She is holding a microphone, but not even bothering to pretend to sing into it. Bless her, but get her off my telly.
Jonathan Ross is about to be joined by Chris Moyles and the Pussycat Dolls. Anyone want to see Chris Moyles leering over the dolls? No. I didn't think so.
Anyway, the lovely Anna Pickard is about to take over and guide you through the delights of the foo fighters and top headliner Madge herself so good night from me and thanks for coming along. Remember: turn those lights off when you leave.
[Over to Anna. Nice and orderly does it.
