It's Monday night in the middle of November and Baby it's Cold Outside, as Cerys Matthews once cooed to Tom Jones. Why, it must be time for the seventh series of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here... Join us from 9pm sharp for live blogging over the jump, with amusing comments from those stopping by to see Malcolm McClaren throw his sole strop.
8.45pm Evening all and welcome, as ever. Yes, it's live blog night on Organ Grinder and thank God, there's some proper celebrity reality telly to stare at limply. Watch out for the drool.
As far as we know, there are nine slebs in the jungle/film set. I won't insult you with the full list (not least because I'm not confident of many of the surnames), for I know that you, our merry band of reality fans will have already been scouring the tabloids for those appearances in full. Suffice it to say that I am a late stand-in tonight - frankly the very last choice - and it brings me no small amount of joy to compare myself to Christopher Biggins, still sat in that five star Versace Hotel room, wondering what in the name of Malcolm McClaren he has to do to get himself on screen. Biggins, Right Said Fred and Katie Princess Pony Chops Hopkins all pacing round waiting for their shot. I'd almost rather watch the CCTV footage of them circling the breakfast buffet.
9pm Here we go. "Has it really been a year?" asks Ant. "Take the phone off the hook", says Dec. Yes. Don't be ringing in to vote or anything stupid like that. Really. We don't do that anymore. Think of it like switching electrical appliances to standby - you're taking an ethical stance, plus saving on the leccy bill. Hurray.
Now, the contestants arrive. Janice Dickenson, her brilliantly immobile face and her ADD personality, which count as at least three different people are talking us through her plastic surgery. She's perfect following her pre-show tummy tuck top up, apparently. Okay, but your eyebrows are where your hairline used to be, love.
J from Five is clearly terrified of her. Gemma Atkinson whose career I have not to date followed extensively has decided, wisely, to show her r-e-s-p-e-c-t. From a distance. She couldn't be further away and still in shot.
Lynne Franks and Janice are exchanging wary pleasantries. It would not be a deep textual reading to say that we can anticipate some alpha female antics.
Before you know it an old footballer and Anna Ryder Richardson are having tea in a different hotel room. Anna can't be happy with those cushions. They are not only vile (five star hotel notwithstanding), they clash with her leopardskin frock. Marc/Gianni is being overly specific about how he takes his coffee with the former footballer. [SOMEONE TELL ME HIS NAME!]. And Cerys arrives. We all love Cerys. She looks massively out of place. And then the chef arrives.
But skip past these less interesting people. Surely, the star of the show is yet to arrive? Where, oh where, is the great rock and roll swindler?
We've still a bit of business with the splitting of the teams. Handy hint: Janice = Snake something; Cerys = Croc Creek.
Dec has been charged with explaining to Croc Creek that Malcolm isn't coming to play. Janice and Lynne are immediately rowing over who knows Malcolm best and should go and persuade him to stay. Gemma is hiding on the balcony. Bless. Brilliantly Janice Dickenson - the world's first supermodel mark you and no stranger to tantrums - has decided to take it upon herself to talk Malcolm in. It would be very reassuring to see a 108-year-old, twenty something, clad in lycra, shouting at you if you were having a small loss of nerve. Surrounded by a camera crew.
Though, at least we know - thanks to Janice - that Malcolm McClaren's hotel room smells of dirty farts.
Sadly, he's not letting Lynne - PR Goddess - Franks in either, despite the fact she's sending him lots of soft-voiced love. To Janice's delight. She's decided to shout at him from the pool instead. This is inspired negotiating tactics. If you were in two minds, wouldn't a visit from either of those two send you straight to the Quantas desk clutching your maxed-out credit card? (I'm assuming he's broke cos otherwise why the hell is he there in the first place).
Hurrah! Organ Grinder's own Natalka Znak (remember her marvellous Love Island blog) who occasionally works as a top reality TV producer, is interviewing Malcolm about why he won't go in.
Clad in a powder blue jumper and possibly Ray Bans, he's explaining, in summary, that he can't be arsed. It's a tragedy, really. He and Janice really would've been joyous to watch. [meanwhile in the ad break, we are expected to believe that Victoria Beckham is a) buying christmas presents for her fellow spice girls and b) buying them iPods. I don't, by the way, disbelieve that if they were forced at gunpoint to buy each other something that Tesco's would be their venue of choice]
9.26pm We're back. And as the teams run through the ritual list of their phobias, it seems that that is the last we'll see of Malc. Boo. We interrupt with a newsflash - Janice has just 'fessed to being 53. IN ALIEN YEARS. She has also just fanned her private areas with her hat in the back of a chopper. That is not a euphemism. Cerys (clearly a fan of America's Next Top Model since she had kids. Happens to us all, love), shouts "That's Janice Dickinson" from the other chopper. Awwww. If we can't have Janice and Malcolm, at least put Janice and Cerys together. It'd be like David Gest and Jason Donovan.
There's business with helicopters again. They're going to bungee jump out of the chopper to get to the camp, which I feel like we've seen before. Given that they led the show on Malcolm having a teeny grump behind a closed hotel room door, I suspect nothing that dramatic will occur here, so you can turn down those scary jungle drums.
Marc and John Burton-Race (aka the chef) seem to be going first. Oooh, I wonder if they'll die? Oh no. Nope. Nothing happens. I'm really a bit inured to this death-defying stuff. Plus, I read in the tabloids that Malcolm said that there are 550 crew members everywhere and it's all safe enough for a five-year-old. So back to Janice please..
Lynne is a tad irritated with Janice. In a British, somewhat passive way. Janice is, I dunno, possibly threatening to gut her. I think we should send Katie in pdq.
This is more like it. Janice's team have to get there in the canoe with no oars. To the Deliverance tune, they are drifting aimlessly down a river and bitching at each other. "Trust me, I grew up in a swamp," screeches Janice. "Why doesn't that surprise me?," notes Lynne who then goes on to praise Gemma and J for their efforts in getting them to shore (it seemed to involve paddling with a reed). "What about meeeee?" squawks Janice.
I love her.
See, you can keep the Poliakoff on BBC2. Who could possibly be craving some sumptuous shots of a lovely house right now. Perhaps some languid dialogue that might or might not be significant later. Any sort of symbolism? A dash of overwrought pretension? I'm going to watch it afterwards in an elaborate cleansing ritual perfected through years of Big Brother. Two hours of Jade Goody = 40 minutes of Michael Gambon, if you're interested.
More bungee-ing from choppers. Anna RR is mugging on the ground in her "lifestyle expert" persona. Up in the chopper, though, she's drawing blood from Cerys's tightly gripped hand. I can confirm that, as you might expect, Cerys can shout pretty loudly when plummeting out of a helicopter. Anna is crying. Mascara everywhere. Oh honestly, it doesn't look that bad. Really, it's series seven. No one's been so much as badly bruised yet - outside of that nasty fight over a celebrity chest last year.
Old footballer is taking the news that he can't jump out of the chopper in ill humour. Yeah, right. "Weather problems". Are we absolutely certain someone didn't fail a medical?
9.55pm Lynne and Janice are bickering. I sense a theme.
The other team are "the nice ones". All getting along and cooking dinner, buddying up. Of course, they've got the chef, which is a start. Also Geoff Hurst, or whoever.
Gemma has the look of a teenager whose parents are fighting. Simultaneously arsey and bewildered. Of course it's more like Grandma and Great-Great-Nana are about to tear each other limb from limb.
Morning in the camps and Janice is auditioning personality number 6 - insincere charm. This manifests itself in complimenting Lynne's legs and calling her "the doctor of all". It's quite a clever choice - though I'm sure Janice flicked through her rolodex of selves and picked it at random - because Lynne is clearly a *very sincere* person, who likes to talk about her insecurities often.
Personality 45b - the warrior - is off to do the Bushtucker Trial, disguised as Arnie in Predator. It was, explains Lynne, a democratic decision made solely by Janice. She is up against Marc/Gianni. Run marc, run. The trial is the least of your worries.
10.10pm Marc is trying to suggest that being strapped to a wheel in order to be ducked in a bucket is a bit scary. Janice says nothing frightens her and is still talking as she refuses the first bucket. One to Marc... Now they're rotating in various disgusting things and trying to fish out stars. Brilliantly, the sound has almost completely disappeared due to Janice's navvy-like swearing. Hats off. 10.13pm Marc has won the food. Janice doesn't care much. As she said, she's a supermodel, she hasn't eaten for years..
Cut to Janice telling her team that she lost. She is sobbing inconsolably. I say inconsolably, I expect another mood'll be along in a second.
So who have the public voted (ha!) to do the bushtucker trial tomorrow? My bet is Janice might feature... How would you know definitively if anyone else is even there?
10.16pm The footballer (Rodney. His name is Rodney. So they say) is doing the task for the boring camp. They compete, you know, for the food. Oh you know all this, I don't need to spell it out. It's series seven for the love of Kerry Katona.
We get a whole ad break while they count Janice's votes. Nearly there.
10.23pm
Meanwhile on Ready Steady Cook, the chef has turned a selection of five random ingredients dropped in by the producers into a gourmet meal. Dull, dull. Back to the camp o'misery please.
Janice is the first to reveal - as is traditional - that the campers "can't go poo-poo".
Hang on. It's Lynne or Janice for the trial. It's... Janice. Good choice viewers. Or producers. Whoever.
In the first interesting thing he's done all show, J From Five has just shouted "C'mon I wanna eat some Crocodile Cock!" in the 'live' bit. Oh dear, J. Unwise.
And that's it. Very worrying - I'm not sure even Janice's 572 selves can carry this show for a fortnight. And with that, the nation rises from their sofas and shout with one voice: "Get Biggins and the horsey husband-stealer in!"
I give it till Wednesday. When, incidentally, the A-team will return for your live-blogging entertainment needs. Thanks for coming and being funny (YerActual wins comment of the night, but I'm not typing it out) and good night.
