It was a single image, released 18 months ago, that tantalized and teased audiences with the promise of "Ocean's 8." The first look at the all-female take on the "Ocean's 11" heist films featured Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Anne Hathaway, Sarah Paulson, Mindy Kaling and Rihanna (in dreadlocks!) sitting stoically, in chic outerwear, on a New York City subway. With that title, that cast and those costumes, it should have been an easy slam dunk. But the crew behind "Ocean's 8" is missing one crucial element _ the script.
Co-written by Olivia Milch and director Gary Ross, "Ocean's 8" feels like a parody of "Ocean's 11," a limp Funny or Die sketch extended to feature length, but without any of the character development. It requires a passing knowledge of both the "Ocean's" films and the famed Met Gala, but doesn't care to explain any of that (or anything else) to the audience. We don't even know Blanchett's character's name until an hour into the movie.
Sandra Bullock plays Debbie Ocean, sister of Danny (George Clooney, of course). She's released from prison and despite the contrite tears at her parole hearing, she starts her grifter routine before she's even out of the front gate. Watching Debbie scam luxury makeup from Bergdorf's and four-star hotel rooms with only her air of importance is the most mesmerizing sequence in the whole movie.
Debbie's had time in solitary to put together her newest scheme, which involves making off with hundreds of millions of dollars in priceless jewels from the Met Gala, and enacting revenge on the ex-boyfriend who landed her in prison. With the help of her old friend Lou (Blanchett), she puts together a team: the designer (Helena Bonham Carter), the hacker (Rihanna), the jeweler (Mindy Kaling), the pickpocket (Awkwafina) and the fence (Sarah Paulson). The plan is to plant a $150 million diamond necklace on actress Daphne Kluger (Anne Hathaway) and then snatch it and replace it with a fake before anyone catches on.
The appeal of the "Ocean's" movies is seeing the plan come together, and then watching it play out, wherein the real tricks and secrets are revealed. But "Ocean's 8" is listless and low-energy. There's not a scrap of tension or suspense as we witness the heist unfold. What the film really could have used was Steven Soderbergh (who is on board as a producer) to liven up the joint. The split-screen transitions and jazzy Muzak score Ross employs just feels like a chintzy, watered down version that gestures at the real thing but is so far from.
"Ocean's 8" is lacking in pizzazz, but worse, in character. Costumes alone cannot tell a full story about a person, though Ross and Milch seem to think Blanchett's fabulous suits can communicate everything we need to know about Lou. The script scrimps on background about Debbie's right hand woman, but delves into an extended backstory with a flashback to explain her ex-boyfriend, Claude (Richard Armitage). It's frustrating. Who cares about him? Give us more about them.
It's frustrating that a film featuring women at the center of a heist tale doesn't even bother to write them fully-fleshed out characters. Debbie is defined only by her relationships to men: her brother and her ex. Only Hathaway and Rihanna give us real characters thanks to their distinctive performances. Bullock, on the other hand, has pitched Debbie at a low whisper. But what's supposed to be slick and cool ends up overly reserved and boring, and that goes for the entire film. Gender-swapped reboots can and should work, but not when they're as underwritten and slapdash as the disappointing "Ocean's 8."
