SAME OLD, SAME OLD
Arsène Wenger was up early on Wednesday morning. He was out of his bed with the lark because he was helping with the “launch” of the new Premier League season, which does lead The Fiver to wonder why something that everyone knows is going to happen, when it’s going to happen and how long it’s going to happen for, requires a “launch”. Still, it got a few journos out of the house and Wenger said some very Wenger things, so it wasn’t a total waste of time.
Really, you could get some of the stuff he said from a random Wenger quote generator, to the point where The Fiver does wonder if it’s actually worth him talking in public ever again. We can just fire up the Weng-O-Matic, see what’s written on the chits it pops out and everyone can save a bit of time. Wenger can do more interesting things with his day than be asked which players he isn’t buying this week, and the press saves time on having to write them all down. Everyone’s a winner. “We want to spend the money when we have it,” spouted the Weng-O-Matic. “What is very difficult today is to find the quality of the players who are available and if you look, despite all the money that is available in England, there is very little movement since the start of the transfer market. We are in the transfer market and on one side we are focused and concentrated on the players – we have to get them in a fantastic shape. On the other hand, of course we are looking outside to strengthen.”
We want to spend money? Ding! It’s difficult to find quality players to spend it on? Ding ding! We are trying to strengthen our team? Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding! Honestly, what more can you ask for? That’s nearly a full house! All he needed to do was also discuss the merits of a young, undeniably talented but heinously knack-prone player he already has on his books and it would’ve been a perfect 10 out of 10. Wait … what’s that? “He has a very big year ahead,” Wenger tootled when asked about the progress of Jack Wilshere, out knacked for all-but 141 minutes of last season and who suffered a further bout of knee-gah over the summer. “His preparation was encouraging – he had a little, little setback recently but it looks very minor. For us to have a great season, it’s important to have a great Jack Wilshere.”
Really, he is too good to us. Wenger also revisited another of his themes, specifically the remarkable ability to snatch, from the jaws of glory, infuriating, half-baked, limp, entirely predictable failure, as he managed last season when Leicester won the league, way ahead of his title-starved boys. Wenger said that, like the rest of the Premier League big dogs, he felt a sense of “guilt” that they had allowed the most implausible champions in English history to win the title, before patronising the team that was demonstrably better for the whole of last season to within an inch of their lives. “They had an exceptional season and you have to congratulate them,” he said. Very good of you, big man.
Still, at least Wenger maintained a little dignity. This week José Mourinho started something of a managerial wazzing contest by suggesting Arsenal and their ilk were not big enough to sign Paul Pogba. Shortly after this, José pointed his old chap at the wall, downed a pint of water and began relieving himself as high up it as possible, but Wenger remained firmly zipped up. “It’s a very exciting season, there are so many ambitions out there,” he said. “It’s a little bit of a world championship of managers.” So in summary: Wenger is predictable, infuriating, stubborn and seemingly unwilling to learn from previous mistakes, but not an obnoxious child looking for a fight. Let’s call it even.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’ve spoken to Jazz at length and he’s aware of the club traditions, he knows his obligations moving forward. I wasn’t aware until later in the evening but we’ve got evidence and he assures us he did it, which I think some of the supporters saw. Moving forward he knows the tradition of the club and what he has to do. I don’t think it will be an issue. Sometimes it’s difficult in a game with the concentration, where the ball is. But he did it, which is the main thing, and it’s probably a learning curve for the next games” – Cardiff City manager Paul Trollope, with a straight face, explains that former Swansea player Jazz Richards did, in fact, do the “Ayatollah” celebration against Birmingham last weekend, contrary to some reports. Seriously.
FIVER LETTERS
“Yesterday’s Quote of the Day was correct, but the hoof and head incident belonged to the Windsor racecourse mascot. It was hilarious” – Yorkie the Magpie, Maidenhead United’s mascot [here you go – Fiver Ed].
“Not trying to be funny, but whatever happened to Financial Fair Play? Really” – Steve Dunn.
“Surely Robin Kent (yesterday’s Fiver letters), with his business-class flights to Luxembourg and inflated sense of entitlement to league titles and autographs, is not real but is in fact a hilarious caricature of Arsenal fans. I like to imagine that having boarded the plane he completed the satire by booing the pilot for failing to deal with some mild turbulence, before demanding that the airline’s boss resign after persistently refusing to bolster the cabin crew with some big-name signings” – Mike Hopkin.
“Not a footballer as such, but nevertheless a football-related encounter on public transport. I once sat next to David Baddiel on the Tube relatively late at night. For obvious reasons, I envisaged him at the start of his journey singing down his mobile of his impending homecoming. Now, like me, you’re stuck with the same tune in your head for the rest of the day” – Kevin Denham.
“I followed up on the Arthur Albiston claim from Mark J Jones (Fiver letters passim) and found it to be a lie! However, I did once captain a team playing against three World Cup winners circa 1979 (Bobby Charlton’s Charity XI) John Connelly, Roger Hunt and Bobby himself, who was possibly the biggest whinger I ever played against. I have no amusing story attached to this other than the fact that a pretty reasonable semi-professional team (Prestwich Heys) were given the runaround by a team of fortysomethings” – Paul Tomkow.
“After falling down the clickbait hole of former-newspaper-turned-home-of-desperate-quizzes-animal-gaffes-and-bizarre-headlines The Independent, I noticed this non-story about someone who found a worm in his Tesco cucumber. The response from Tesco, according to the story, is ‘reason 1,057 to be proud of Britain’. Is this an homage to The Fiver’s core band of pedants? Or is The Fiver spreading its journalistic wings? We can only hope it’s the former” – Stuart Evers.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Steve Dunn.
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BITS AND BOBS
Leicester City have made a £23.2m bid to Santos for Brazil forward Gabriel Barbosa, who also goes by the name ‘Gabigol’, though you’ll never find us calling him that.
Tottenham’s attempt to sign Georges-Kévin Nkoudou is on the brink of collapse after a breakdown in negotiations with Marseille. Coincidentally, Spurs head of recruitment Paul Mitchell is doing one from White Hart Lane.
Money continues to burn holes in the pockets of assorted Chinese investors, which means Hull City could soon be the next club awash with far-eastern cash.
A Gabriel-less Arsenal are set to start Calum Chambers with Nacho Monreal in the centre of their defence for Sunday’s Premier League opener with Liverpool. Ho!
New Argentina coach Edgardo Bauza is in Spain to try and persuade Leo Messi to rethink his international retirements, whatever he claims he’s really in Spain to do. “The sensations are good because I will talk about football, a language we both know,” he parped. “That talk will lead to a decision but I’ve not come to convince Messi, I’ve come to talk about football. He can tell me his frustration and I can express to him the idea that I have of the national team, so he feels comfortable.”
And Ricardo Carvalho, 67, has been released by Monaco. “It’s an honour to have had this great champion among us,” cheered club suit Vadim Vasilyev. “Ricardo will always be welcome in Monaco.”
STILL WANT MORE?
In a major boost to lovers of cliche, Adam Hurrey has fired a warning shot across the rest of football’s bows with his guide to how to speak the language of football: its clichés translated.
The Knowledge takes us back to the days before Health and Safety Culture Went Mad with a look at clubs sponsored by cigarette brands, plus teams playing under another’s crest and mass sendings-off.
Our Premier League pre-season previews continue, with Michael Butler wondering how Swansea will cope with recent departures, and Louise Taylor assessing the task facing David Moyes at Sunderland.
Make your predictions here, please.
“Stocky, spiky, snarling”: Simon Burnton runs the rule over Walter Mazzarri, the latest man at the helm at Watford.
And Andy Hunter says John Stones is still a work in progress, albeit a highly talented one, and will need to improve to justify his whopping £47.5m price tag.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
