"What do showbiz reporters get up to on a Sunday?" It's a question In the News is often asked, alongside the question about whether In the News can really be asked a question as, after all, isn't it just a piece of internet content?
The question is a tricky one to answer (the former question, that is, the latter one being easily answered with the word "no"). But let us look at the output of today's papers to try to glean clues as to the weekend habits of the hacks who keep us in tidbits.
Here, for example, is what happened to the Sun's Tom Wells yesterday. Grabbed as soon as he entered the office, he was told to sit in his chair, read through the Sunday papers looking for tittle-tattle to rewrite and then, and only then, would the iron mask be removed allowing him to stake his claim to become king of France.
That Sun honchos keep such a tight rein on their staff is a good thing however as, if they didn't, we would have had to turn to the Mail on Sunday's lengthy interview with Lily Allen to crib our quotes, rather than the infinitely more digestible precis in the Sun.
Here's what Lil said: "It does make me laugh to see pictures of Victoria Beckham on the front of a magazine.
"I think 'You're not promoting anything, you don't need the money, so all it's about is being famous.'"
It's refreshing to hear that Allen is keen to preserve the line between the tawdry act of being famous and the traditional artistic endeavour of promoting something. But doesn't Lily understand that Mrs Beckham is promoting herself? And that she is her own business?
No time to answer those questions though as Lil moves on.
"I can never imagine my life being about being famous," she tells us via the Sun via the Mail on Sunday (while being photographed in a collection of stunning new frocks). She also insists that her feuds with Cheryl Cole and Peaches Geldof and that person who once looked at her the wrong way in LA are over. Says Lily: "I can't bring myself to bitch."
And let that be an end to it. Oh, sorry Lily, you've got something else to say? "[Peaches Geldof] is a poor little rich girl." Oh, great, thanks.
Back to the Sunday practices of showbiz hacks. Another thing you can do is fly to Monte Carlo for the World Music Awards - a ceremony which, contrary to expectations, doesn't reward performers of world music, but rather performers of pop music who shift the most units in their respective markets around the world!
If you were to fly to the World Music Awards in Monte Carlo, as we are expected to believe 3am have done, then you could hang out with Amr Diab (best-selling Arabic artist 2007) or Mana (the world's best-selling Latino artist). Alternatively, you could just chat to 50 Cent (world's best-selling hip-hop artist!) and listen to a load of guff about how he's going to spend ludicrous amounts of money on his girlfriend's birthday.
Here's the 3am item in full [with our own annotations in square brackets]:
"You can't accuse 50 Cent of not being a romantic at heart [yes you can; it's easily done]. The rapper chartered a jet full of presents for his singer girlfriend Ciara's 22nd birthday [a charter jet? What, he couldn't get an aircraft carrier?].
"Fiddy filled the plane with thousands of pounds worth of goodies, including fresh rose petals, teddy bears [oh, you're right, he IS a romantic], candles and chocolate from a Dublin cake shop [???], and had it flown to the World Music Awards in Monte Carlo.
"He also told 3am that he would treat her to 22 birthday parties at exotic locations around the globe [Smoove B called, he wants his shtick back]"
The final Sunday technique we'd like to bring to your attention is that deployed by top pop Goth Vicky Newton, and that is to go for a bracing walk in a network of subterranean tunnels. Only to be interrupted by a phone call from a once-famous Irishman, revealing his boy band is to get back together again!
Yes, Boyzone are reforming. They'll be performing on Children in Need.
"Lead singer Ronan Keating chose his favourite showbiz column to break the happy news in a phone call to me yesterday," explains Vicky, trying to cover up her disappointment at another pitch-black perambulation being ruined.
"We haven't got any plans to release a new album but we will see what happens," Ronan tells Vicky, tipping the wink that should, say, the group enjoy Take That-sized success upon their reformation, 12 thoroughly new and thoroughly bland ballads could yet be in the shops by mothers' day.
"We haven't signed a record deal with anyone," he goes on, "we're just doing this on our own." Radiohead, see what you've done?
