With the news that Brooklyn Beckham has gone “no contact” with David and Victoria, he joins an increasingly visible number of people who are estranged from their parents. From cultural differences to emotional abuse, there’s a myriad of reasons why people choose to cut off their relations. The uniting element, however, is usually that all other options, conversations, and approaches have been explored before this path is taken.
I went “no contact” with my mother last March, and haven’t spoken to her since. My reasons were multifarious and layered, but, ultimately, had been building over the years until a breaking point was reached. Since my own estrangement, I’ve found a form of peace that could only come from closing the door on a situation that had become untenable. It’s not something that was done rashly, or without thought, and it required the support of my family, friends, and husband. And, while separating from a parent is strange enough, there are other details and complications that arise along the way when you choose to cut off a relative.
Cutting out a parent is unnatural, undesirable, and an unwanted outcome to have a void where there was once a lifelong companion
For one, an estrangement can be a complex strain on the larger family. It’s not something that’s unworkable, or unnavigable, but it’s one that can bring its own challenges depending on the relationships that those around you have with the parent in question. While I would have cut off contact with my own mother earlier than I did, I chose not to for years due to logistical complications. At the time, most of my family lived with her in another country, and so, had I curtailed our relationship, this would have affected my ability to see siblings and close relations. And, while you can’t really plan for an estrangement, I did find that it was easier to go “no contact” once the circumstances were different and it wasn’t going to have such a drastic impact on my relationships with other family members.
The opinions of others, too, can also bleed into the situation. When I chose to remove myself from my mother’s world, it was after a visible event that had a lot of witnesses. Which, while upsetting at the time, made it an easier choice as I had the full support of others around me. While it's by no means a prerequisite to have the blessings of others before going “no contact”, it does make it profoundly easier if you’re supported throughout the process. For Brooklyn, I wonder, given the seeming closeness of the Beckhams, how his decision has affected his siblings. While I can’t say that estrangements aren’t stressful, I’ve found from my own experience that the absence of “camps” or “sides” has made it a manageable, and relatively drama-free affair. But, I don’t doubt that, in some instances, if not many, this is unavoidable.
Holidays and celebrations also become slightly strange - Christmases need to be restructured, absences are felt at birthdays, and then there’s the question of how to manoeuvre weddings, funerals, and other momentous occasions. I found Christmas the easiest as my parents are divorced, and as a person who barely remembers her own birthday, that wasn’t much of a difficulty either. But, I am acutely aware that, as my siblings enter their late twenties and thirties, weddings could soon be on the horizon, and I’m not sure how that will be handled. Of course, my mother and I will both attend, but will we greet each other? Will I hide by the canapés? Would a nod suffice? And, how do we co-exist in the same space without draining energy from the event by virtue of the situation’s inherent strangeness?
If we both decide to attend my siblings’ weddings, will my mother and I greet each other? Will I hide by the canapés? Would a nod suffice?
As a mother myself, I’m also aware of the conversation that I’ll need to have with my children at some point. Right now, they haven’t seen their grandmother for over a year, which is less out of choice than it is a result of circumstances. As my mother lives in America and my children are both under four, there haven’t been too many times where they could have interacted without my presence. But, I know that a decision will have to be made at some point as to how, and if, my mother will be in their lives, and what that will look like.
Ultimately, the choice to cut a parent, or both parents, out of your life isn’t something that’s done quickly or without reason. It’s unnatural, undesirable, and an unwanted outcome to have a void where there was once a lifelong companion. Even in the most severe of circumstances, with the most awful of parents, there’s still a sort of melancholic yearning for a caregiver that never was. A longing that follows you throughout life, wishing that something was different but knowing that it might never be. The world of estrangement is a weird little club that no one really wants to be part of, but we’re here, navigating a different landscape than we’d hoped for. So, I guess I’ll be the first to welcome Brooklyn to our clubhouse, hopefully his stay with us isn’t long.
