MOYES ZONE
David Moyes was unveiled as Sunderland manager today. The Fiver will have to come clean, we almost missed it. With Moyes having been appointed what seems like three years ago, we weren’t really expecting the club or their new manager to bother with a big introduction. But lo, there he was looking like a wiry Wearside welder on a day off, squinting in the morning sun, posing with a Sunderland shirt and wearing a smile thinner than the squad he’s just inherited from Sam Allardyce.
It’s a distinct possibility that the reason his presentation has taken so long is because Sunderland didn’t want Moyes turning up at a training ground about as populated as London in the opening scenes of 28 Days Later. It transpires that Moyes has just 16 senior players available to him – and two of those are John O’Shea and Wes Brown (combined age 178), so they don’t count. Factor in Lee Cattermole’s inevitable suspensions and you may as well call that 13. Having started the past few seasons about as undercooked as Granny Fiver’s chicken and tripe stew, Sunderland are at it again. So little wonder after the pleasantries were done that Moyes started waffling on about employing the highly original idea of signing Marouane Fellaini and Adnan Januzaj, who could probably just hide in the big Belgian’s hair on the way out of Old Trafford in much the same way as he has done on the pitch in the past year.
“If any of those good players want to join me I’d be happy to have them,” Moyes riddled, making The Fiver instantly doubt who it was he was actually talking about. “They’re excellent players. We’re interested but I’m sure there’s a load of other clubs that are as well. You have to have a realistic view. There’ll be some players we can attract just now and some players we can’t,” he continued, making it no more obvious. What is clear, though, is the size of the task he faces. Having worn the pained expression of a man struggling to pass a large kidney stone throughout his torrid tenures at Manchester United and Real Sociedad, the opportunity to bring a little joy back into his life will now live and die on the challenge of stabilising a club that has got into the entertaining yet perilous habit of listing like a torpedoed battleship before miraculously righting itself each May. But Moyes is looking beyond mere survival, you know. “Sunderland is a big club and we need to make progress up the league and compete where we should be competing,” he roared before whacking a weird and underwhelming stat down in front of him and inviting assorted hacks to marvel at it. “I have the fourth best winning record in the Premier League. I don’t want to lose that, I want to better it.”
For that to happen Sunderland fans may have to get used to the sight of the club bus trundling into the six-yard box a little more often than they’d probably like. “The job is to win the games. Maybe at the start we might have to win ugly, but as we go along I want the supporters to be excited.” To be fair to Moyes, he’s probably just what Sunderland need: a man with ambitions to get the club up to the giddy heights of almost making Big Vase every now and then and who seems to take as much satisfaction from a well-executed offside trap as a carefully crafted goal. Now if only he could find some players.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There’s clearly the return of real box office with the likes of Brendan Rodgers at [the Queen’s] Celtic and Joey Barton at [Pope’s Newc O’] Rangers. So I think there will be a lot of people tuning in around the world, not just the UK” – SPL chief suit Neil Doncaster gives his product the big sell.
A DISH SERVED VERY COLD
15 May 2014: “The Vatican, for me, is a lie because instead of giving to people it takes away. All popes have done this and I don’t want him to do it” – Diego Maradona takes aim at Pope Francis and gives him both barrels.
1 August 2016: “Who is better, Maradona or Pele? For me, Messi” – Pope Francis brings the supa hot fire.
FIVER LETTERS
“Georginio Wijnaldum’s suggestion that ‘sometimes it’s always good to watch old movies’ (Friday’s Quote of the Day) reminded me of Anchorman for two reasons: it’s an old movie it’s sometimes always good to watch; and for Brian Fantana’s endorsement of $ex Panther cologne to Ron Burgundy: ‘Sixty per cent of the time, it works every time.’ If only Newcastle could have achieved such an impressive rate of return” – Scott Pratt.
“The recent Big Paper feature on 1966 World Cup locations reminded me of when I met the Portuguese team entering Cheadle (Cheshire) Rovers’ ground for a training session. Eusebio and Torres both signed the youth national insurance card I had for my summer job. Being obedient and stupid, I returned the card to the relevant authority at the end of the summer, thus losing the chance of making a fortune on eBay today. At the same ground later that year I was watching a friend having a trial for Manchester City. Big Mal was in the stand, fedora and all, but I blew my chance, stubbing my toe when the ball ran invitingly to me on the sidelines” – Damien Healey.
“The Fiver letters section used to be my favourite bit of The Fiver. Recently though, we’ve had two weeks of NME reviews (at least one of them repeated), and a presentation of English words with all five vowels in them. Needless to say, the letters section is not my favourite bit of The Fiver anymore. Is Noble Francis on holiday again or something?” – Dan Makeham.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Scott Pratt.
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BITS AND BOBS
“A failed player, failed manager and now [effed] pundit. Don’t bother reading at all!” Aston Villa owner Tony Xia reads Ian Holloway’s prediction that his side will finish 16th in the Championship this season, gets froth on, hits Twitter, drops heat. And swiftly deletes it.
Manchester City suits have spent the day driving Leroy Sané around Eastlands in the hope that he’ll call the place home. “Leroy Sané is currently in Manchester and will not be travelling with Schalke to the training camp,” sniffed the German club’s Twitter feed.
The man who irons letters on to the back of Wolfsburg shirts has put in for overtime now that the club have signed Jakub Blaszczykowski from Borussia Dortmund. “We are absolutely delighted that he will be wearing the VfL colours,” roared sporting director Klaus Allofs as the man who irons etc and so on begged to differ.
Wayne Rooney is threatening to continue playing for England whether or not he is wearing The Armband. “For the next two years, captain or not captain, I’ll turn up and be available to play if I am wanted,” he warned.
Four years after Roberto Di Matteo played Eden Hazard up front for Chelsea and was immediately sacked, new Chelsea boss Antonio Conte has put in an early application for his P45. “I like [Hazard] in this position, like a forward, and he can be a good solution for us,” he parped.
At his annual State of the Arsenal Fiscal Nation address, Arsène Wenger has flapped his gums about the lack of signings. “I can understand the expectation and anxiety level among our fans,” he trilled, before looking down the back of a French sofa for an obscure whelp to present to the media.
And the Serbian Super League might be just two games old, but it hasn’t stopped Partizan Belgrade coach Ivan Tomic from falling on his sword. “We accepted Tomic’s resignation after the fans, who have stayed loyal to the club through the thick and thin, asked him to leave,” parped club suit Ivica Iliev after one draw, one defeat and one Big Vase qualifying exit. “Tomic had a great vision of how the club should move forward but unfortunately we have hit a wall very early into the season and now have to reshuffle the cards.”
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Get ready for the Magnificent Seven rocking up at a Premier League saloon near you soon.
STILL WANT MORE?
The Premier League is (nearly) back, baby! And with traditional Big Website northern bias, Arsenal are the first to get previewed and then AFC Bournemouth.
The Fiver’s new colleague Hernán Crespo has thus far failed to make a round of teas, but did pen this piece on why Zlatan Ibrahimovic and José Mourinho are a good match at Manchester United.
Among other things, Jaap Stam tells Ben Fisher that he had no real interest in becoming a manager until he accidentally became a manager.
Nasty Leeds manager Garry Monk talks to James Riach about managerial shelf-life and Massimo Cellino.
Bradley Wright-Phillips is breaking records and Frank Lampard is relevant again. Dave Martinez reports on the weird, weird world of Major League Soccerball.
The six-month spell in Mexico that set Pep Guardiola on the road to coaching greatness. By Duncan Tucker.
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