BREAKING NEWS: 34-YEAR-OLD MAN WAS BETTER AT FOOTBALL WHEN 24-YEAR-OLD MAN
It’s another quiet Friday, so with no news to report, the Fiver has decided to assist a down-on-their-luck professional footballer with their contract negotiations, by publishing a few quotes brazenly designed to chivvy along their contract negotiations. Here’s $tevie Mbe, who today admitted that his time at the heart of Liverpool’s midfield might soon be over. In terms of what the world already knew, news that the leggy legend can no longer seriously cut it at the very top level, his jaw now regularly seen hanging loose as he pants and runs around in circles like a confused dog who has misplaced his squeaky bone, is up there with other breaking stories such as JFK SHOT, MAN LANDS ON MOON and BIG FIRE AT REICHSTAG.
But of course that’s not the point he was making. The point he was making was that he might naff off somewhere else if Liverpool don’t get their act together and fast. Gerrard’s contract runs out in the summer, and presently the club have their feet up on the desk, either as a result of laziness, ineptitude, or dare we suggest it, sheer ambivalence. With time running out, and Gerrard free in January to sign a pre-contract agreement with an overseas club, perhaps in Spain, Italy, the USA or the Faroe Islands, the player has deemed it necessary to rattle a few cages. “I won’t be retiring this summer,” he announced in an interview with one of the Guardian’s rival papers, Rival Paper. “I will play beyond this season. We will have to wait and see if that’s at Liverpool or somewhere else. That’s Liverpool’s decision.”
Those Liverpool fans yet to be totally convinced by Joe Allen’s commanding, domineering, nay Sounessesque presence will be hoping that the club come to their senses and offer their captain the cuddle-in-shape-of-contract-extension he craves. And then, just as wily old Rafa Benítez did when he got Gerrard’s number the best part of a decade ago, play him out on the right or behind the front man where, relieved of tactical responsibility, he can still do some damage without doing any damage. Chances are the fans will get their wish, as despite Gerrard’s waning powers, Liverpool surely can’t afford to lose a second totemic figure in quick succession, and chivvied accordingly, will soon pony up some cash. So as we suggested at the start, this is a bit of a non-story, really. But the only other option was something about Daniel Sturridge remaining knacked for the next couple of weeks, and, well, we may as well have run with breaking events in Dealey Plaza.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Experience tells me not to read the press or listen to anything and that’s what I do but when there is a headline like this? You think I could have made these comments? How do you think I can motivate my players? People who know me know that I would not gift anything to anyone, even to my father, who is in heaven and is what I love most in the world. I have been working in football for many years and these kinds of headlines pi$$ me off” – Granada coach Joaquín Caparrós gets the funk on during a press conference to such an extent that he rips up a copy of Marca, who he claims misquoted him as saying “I only ask that they do not steamroller us” before the game with Real Madrid.
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FIVER LETTERS
“This is strange. Football managers in summer” – Luke Kelly.
“QPR have appealed against Rio Ferdinand’s three-match ban for Twitter remarks. They were hoping for longer” – James Tong.
“Thank you for the link to Ruud Gullit playing Attilio Lombardo’s head as a bongo drum (yesterday’s Still Want More?). Most edifying. I’d guess that they were inspired by the classic Benny Hill routine. And people say footballers have no taste” – Charles Antaki.
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BITS AND BOBS
Knee-knack’s Jack Wilshere will not be available to trot around the Emirates Stadium pointing and occasionally falling over during Arsenal’s 4-0 win against Burnley. Due to knee-knack. “It’s very, very short term. He took a kick on his knee,” diagnosed Dr Wenger.
The FA’s coffers have now been swelled to the tune of £350,000 by fines for footballers’ tweets.
Corinthians have launched plans to build a cemetery with space for up to 70,000 supporters. Surrounded by a full-size replica stadium, of course. “For those who are fans from the beginning to the end,” banters the accompanying slogan.
Raheem Sterling, Calum Chambers, Luke Shaw, John Stones and Eric Dier have been nominated for the Golden Boy award, a gong given to the young European footballer of the year by Italian rag Tuttosport and not Oscar de la Hoya, disappointingly.
One to file away for later dept: Dortmund’s Marco Reus insists he has no plans to leave the club for Bayern Munich. “Other people are thinking more about my future than me,” he cooed.
The Bulgarian FA has fined Levski Sofia the doesn’t-translate-well-into-pounds-through-online-currency-converters figure of £9,262.83 and ordered the club to play their next home match behind closed doors following crowd trouble in their 3-0 defeat by CSKA. “There’s no punishment for the snowball because we didn’t receive a medical document,” added a Bulgarian FA suit, of the incident in which CSKA coach Stoycho Mladenov was accused of faking unconsciousness after being pelted.
And Roy Keane’s Love, Peace and Harmony Tour continues apace. Today, Paul Scholes: “People thought he was camera-shy; he just couldn’t be bothered. None of us liked doing interviews, but it was a responsibility of the dressing room, you shared the load. ‘Scholesy’s too humble to do it.’ Well, he’s [effing] doing it now, isn’t he? Maybe there’s more money involved now. And I’d tell him this if he was sat here in front of me.”
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as European football experts. If you have a problem … if no one else can help … and if you can find them … maybe you can hire … Raf Honigstein, Julien Laurens, James Horncastle and Andy Brassell.
STILL WANT MORE?
In a bid to maintain Guardian Sport’s journalistic standards at Big Website’s Pulitzer-winning levels, Tom Bryant and Gregg Bakowski have put together this highbrow quiz: name the player from the moustache.
Has Cityitis infected Manchester City’s squad again? Jacob Steinberg dons his medical face mask and investigates.
Leonardo Ulloa rubbing his sweaty palms together at the prospect of facing West Brom and Alan Pardew not being roundly booed by Newcastle fans are just two of the 10 things our writers think you should look out for in the Premier League this weekend. Read the rest here.
Eddie Howe has the letter ‘R’ tattooed on a wrist in tribute to his first dog, Rodney. Louise Taylor reveals other great nuggets of information about the Bournemouth boss here.
And Football Weekly Live is going on the road again. Next stop: Dublin on 4 November. Full details here.
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