THE RAFALUTION CONTINUES
What a difference 12 months make, eh? This time last year The Fiver had just stepped out of its local bookmakers with a spring in its step, convinced that Leicester City were doomed to a Championship return. We had put plenty of our hard-earned (seriously? – Fiver Ed) money where our mouths were too and planned on spending the ensuing months splashing our expected cashola. High-fiving strangers, jumping up and tapping ankles together, there was nothing that could rain on our parade, but fast forward 365 days and we cannot yet leave our darkened room for fear of what might happen if we see one more picture of Jamie Vardy’s lookalike.
But our plight is nothing compared to that of Rafa Benítez. Around the time we were staking a year’s wages on those pesky Foxes, Rafa was soaking up the sun in Madrid, taking training at the Bernabéu and dictating to Gareth Bale, Karim Benzema and Him. Him! Him pre-Euro 2016. The Pre-Moth Period, before it all started to go to His head. Now, nearly an hour and 35 minutes since the Euros came to an end, Benítez straps himself in and prepares for the self-proclaimed Hardest League In The World To Get Out Of. And he doesn’t have Him at his disposal. He has Dwight Gayle.
Poor Rafa. Still, it could be worse. For Newcastle’s hosts in Friday’s Championship curtain-raiser – Fulham – have yet to recover from the root-and-branch havoc wreaked by a Felix Magath-René Meulensteen-Michael Jackson statue triumvirate of doom. Rafa, of course, has committed to St James’ for the foreseeable, convinced that he has Uncle Mike’s ear and can restore the glory days on Tyneside. He certainly has the credentials, but does he not know about THLITWTGOO? He may have won Big Cup but he’s not the only manager to do so in the division. Bobby Di Matteo managed that too and looks prime for a bit of beef as the season plays out.
Rafa can also smile that he still has Moussa Sissoko for the time being despite prolonged interest from Real Madrid, whose scouting network remit entails sipping cocktails on sun loungers for the season before dragging themselves to a major tournament every two years. No wonder Benítez fell out of favour at Real – he’s a workaholic, and far more suited to the Sports Direct way of doing things. For the Championship is a grind, it begins now and by the time there is light at the end of the tunnel, of the 24 managers currently in place it will probably be just Rafa and Bobby DM still standing, bickering, flicking each other’s ears until the voice of reason that is Peter Beagrie steps in and restores some order. Let the games begin …
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Lawrence Ostlere from 7.45pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Fulham 1-2 Newcastle.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s clear bullying. In Slovenia, we would have indicted Mourinho and asked for the highest penalty – three years in prison … I would take it to the ordinary court. In our case, the penal code is quite clear. If there is bullying and harassment, there’s a prison sanction, a maximum of three years in prison” – Fifpro member Dejan Stefanovic offers his measured opinion on what should be done about Bastian Schweinsteiger being dropped to Manchester United’s reserves.
FIVER LETTERS
“Didn’t see anything in yesterday’s Fiver about how stadium officials apparently couldn’t find the keys to open the Maracanã for the Big Sports Day opening match. Biggest development for STOP FOOTBALL in years and it doesn’t even get a mention. I’d say The Fiver is losing its way, but given that way inevitably involves Purple Tin, the bookie, or Weird Uncle Fiver, it should only be so lucky” – Christopher Smith.
“May I be one of 1,057 pedants to point out that Luke Taylor (yesterday’s Fiver letters) couldn’t possibly have had his Jason Leebay dreams ruined by a dislodged patch given eBay was established in 1995 and Jason Lee and his pineapple graced the Lincoln City pitch in 1993” – Ben Fox (and no other pedants).
“A final thought on the ‘running down the pitch with the ball on your head’ discussions (Fiver letters passim). Perhaps Joe Hart could recover some much-needed international brownie points by stuffing the ball up his jersey and running upfield and right into the opponents’ goal. It could be his ‘Webb-Ellis’ moment, if you know what I mean” – Allastair McGillivray.
“Close encounters (yesterday’s letters)? I saw Niall Quinn walking down the street the other day. I know that’s not that interesting really, but I was in bloody Toronto. Speaking of which, I saw TFC play LA Galaxy a few weeks ago and the Galaxy left-back bore a stunning resemblance to the great Ashley Cole. He was just considerably slower, less agile and didn’t really seem to know how to play football” – Sam Carpenter.
“On the subject of close encounters, and in a similar league to seeing a future £100m player in New York, I once saw Peter Beardsley in a branch of Dixons in Manchester. He was living up to his ‘Ceefax’ nickname. Beat that one guys!” – Darrien Bold.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of long-suffering reader Alan Gernon’s new book, Retired: What Happens to Footballers When the Game’s Up, is … Christopher Smith. We’ve got more to give away so get typing.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Guess who’s been talking about ethics? José Mourinho, that’s who, getting funky about Arsène Wenger and Jürgen Klopp chatting about Manchester United’s impending Paul Pogba signing. “I heard two of my colleagues from other clubs already speaking about us. I do not like that. It is not ethical,” he fumed. “I only speak about us.” You’ve missed this, haven’t you.
Manchester City have been drawn against pesky Romanian champions Steaua Bucharest in Big Cup play-offs. Full draw: Ludogorets v Plzen, Queen’s Celtic v Hapoel Beer Sheva, FC Copenhagen v Apoel Nicosia, Dundalk v Legia Warsaw, Dinamo Zagreb v Red Bull Salzburg, Steaua Bucharest v Manchester City, FC Porto v Roma, Ajax v FC Rostov, Young Boys v Borussia Mönchengladbach, and Villarreal v Monaco.
Meanwhile, West Ham have been drawn against Astra Giurgi in Big Vase. Yes, that is the same Astra Giurgi that did them a favour by sending them skittering out of the competition last season.
Former Fulham and Norway defensive telegraph pole Brede Hangeland has called it a day. “You can choose to be sad that’s it over or you can be happy that it’s happened,” riddled the 35-year-old, making The Fiver recall that one time when we [snip – Fiver Ed].
Swansea have agreed a deal to sign 2012’s Fernando Llorente from Sevilla.
Everton midfielder Muhamed Besic has been ruled out till 2017 after suffering severe knee-knack during Wayne Rooney’s kickabout. “Six months out! Devastated!” he yelped.
And the footballing People’s Republic of Black Country and Brum is complete after West Brom were sold to a Chinese investment group spearheaded by Guochuan Lai. “I am convinced that this transaction will serve to reinforce the love of football,” cheered Lai.
STILL WANT MORE?
Like Stan Laziridis in his pomp, our Premier League previews continue to gallop along with no sign of easing up in sight. Today: Liverpool and Manchester City.
Mind-bending pitch patterns at Flamengo v Atlético Mineiro and the Stamford Bridge beach feature in this Joy of Six on playing surface fiascos.
Ewan Murray sticks his neck out by predicting that the Queen’s Celtic could win the Euro Disnae League.
“Draining, humbling, inspiring”: Steven Caulker’s life-changing Sierra Leone trip, as told to Dominic Fifield.
“People said I’m too big to play football, but I kept playing.” Was Nick Ames getting his red-hot chat on with: a) Pat Nevin, b) Subbuteo’s Shaun Wright-Phillips, or c) Adebayo Akinfenwa. Click here for the answer.
We’ve still got tickets available for Football Weekly Live in Manchester on 2 September, if that sort of thing floats your boat.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
