Name: Liam Gallagher
Age: 40.
Appearance: Scowling, hairy.
Who's he had a fight with this time? Nobody.
Someone's pet, perhaps? Nope.
Maybe a teaspoon or a chaise longue has given him a funny look? Listen, there has been no fighting. In fact, this whole thing about Liam Gallagher being a paranoid Manc loudmouth is now completely out of date.
Yeah, right. It's true. He's mellowed in his middle age. He'll even be going to the Chelsea flower show this year.
Excuse me? It's been reported that he asked for tickets to the VIP preview day.
Cripes. Is that like an all-day celebrity bender? No. I think it's just a day when people who are very important get to look at plants without the view being spoiled by people who aren't very important.
I hate it when that happens. So do Rod Stewart, Ringo Starr and Lily Allen.
How nice. And what do we think has brought about this sudden wholesomeness? Hypnosis, perhaps? Electroconvulsive therapy? Neither have been necessary. If you look carefully at Gallagher's photographer-punching exterior there has always been a tweedy English gentleman struggling to get out.
Has there? There has. For one thing, he has a fashion line called Pretty Green, which offers "classic British tailoring with fine fabrics". He also owns a house in Henley-on-Thames, which is just about the poshest place in Britain outside the Queen's conservatory.
That is posh. Or take the occasion in 1998 when he was banned by Cathay Pacific for causing trouble on a flight to Australia. It was apparently all caused by some unpleasantness over a scone.
Did he insist it be pronounced "scoan"? Could be. Or he may have been throwing them around. Anyway, this is a man who'll fight over the things. He was even at one point said to be in talks to appear on Countdown, according to Carol Vorderman.
At least he'd know how to spell chrysanthemum. He would indeed.
Do say: "Don't let anybody get in your way, cause it's all too much for me to rake."
Don't say: "You and I, we're gonna sieve forever!"
