Jaws turns 50 this year – a momentous occasion for arguably the most influential movie ever made. After all, we are talking about a piece of entertainment that – for better or worse – we are still living through. This sort of anniversary doesn’t come around very often and, now that we are witnessing the slow death of the theatrical experience, it deserves to be commemorated in the most lavish way possible. By this, I mean that ITV should gently lower Ross Noble into shark-infested waters.
And I am not the only one who thinks this, since ITV has just announced the lineup of its new “wildlife crossover format” SHARK! Celebrity Infested Waters, in which some famous people will swim with sharks for a bit. Or, to quote the press release, “a group of ocean-phobic celebrities confront their greatest fear – sharks. Throughout their adrenaline-fuelled, challenge-heavy journey in the Bahamas – the shark capital of the world – these A-listers will push past their limits to come nose to nose with nature’s ‘villains’.” The lineup in full is Ade Adepitan, Helen George, Sir Lenny Henry, Ross Noble, Dougie Poynter, Lucy Punch and Rachel Riley.
Now, if this sounds at all familiar to you, it might be because you’re old enough to remember the show ITV made to commemorate the 30th anniversary of Jaws. That show was entitled Celebrity Shark Bait, and it saw Richard E Grant, Amy Nuttall and others being gently lowered into shark-infested waters. And it wasn’t very good, to the point that at times it felt like a thorough scientific experiment to make the least interesting shark-based TV programme possible. The jeopardy was minimal. The celebrity reactions were muted. The shark footage wasn’t particularly spectacular. When it was broadcast, the Manchester Evening News called it “the biggest waste of time of them all”.
So why do it again? Well, there are two competing arguments. The first is that nobody watches linear TV any more, so ITV hasn’t really got anything to lose by remaking a 20-year-old flop. The second is that, if you parse the press release closely enough, you can just about tell that this is an attempt to improve upon what went before.
Yes, the ITVness of it is the celebrity aspect – part of the show has clearly been designed to appeal to the very specific subsection of people who want to see Rachel Riley have a panic attack in a swimsuit – but there does seem to be more of a conservation focus this time too. The press release points out that, as well as almost getting eaten, the celebrities will “come to appreciate sharks’ valuable place on the food chain and in our ecosystem”.
Better still, the show actively seems to want to commemorate Jaws by undoing some of the harm it has done to the reputation of sharks. That is, unless Henry gets his leg bitten off along the way, because that probably wouldn’t help a lot.
So is it silly? Yes. Does it signify that ITV is running out of ideas? Yes. Does it have the very worst title you have ever seen? Yes, and quite frankly the government should step in and legislate against television shows with names that you’re expected to yelp at. But does SHARK! Celebrity Infested Waters have potential? Absolutely.
In fact, so odd is the format of the show’s name that a franchise seems likely. If SHARK! Celebrity Infested Waters is a success, then maybe we can expect other shows about animals that modern culture has taught us to fear, like BEAR! Celebrity Infested Forests, or SPIDER! Celebrity Infested Attics. Look me in the eye and tell me that you wouldn’t want to see Peter Andre and Adam Woodyatt star in a series called FISH THAT SWIMS UP YOUR URINE STREAM AND GETS LODGED IN YOUR URETHRA! Celebrity Infested Rivers. I know I would.
