Name: Maria Brett-Cooper
Age: Exactly as old as Les Dawson, to the day.
Appearance: A little Barbara Taylor-Bradford, a little Catherine Cookson.
I've never heard of Maria Brett-Cooper. Not many people have, but they soon will. She's a romantic novelist of some repute. You may have heard of her thriller An Echo of Shadows.
Nope. Are you sure? It's about a soldier who discovers a stash of cursed Confederate bullion during the American civil war, and the tragic consequences that haunt his family for decades to come.
It's still not ringing a bell. Perhaps you saw her present Blankety Blank from 1984 to 1990, then.
Blankety whatnow? You mean … That's right. Maria Brett-Cooper is the nom de plume of Les Dawson.
The comedian Les Dawson? The "I wouldn't say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope" Les Dawson? One and the same. The comedian's family discovered an unfinished manuscript of An Echo of Shadows when they were moving house.
I didn't know that Les Dawson could write. Of course he could. The man's jokes were perfectly honed. Plus don't forget his 1986 novel A Time Before Genesis.
That one passed me by. Refresh my memory. The Spectator calls it "a disturbing novel of alien conspiracy, sexual mutilation and global apocalypse".
Right. We are still talking about Les Dawson, aren't we? Yes. In fact, it's been claimed that writing was Les Dawson's first love. He loved it even more than pulling faces and playing the piano badly.
If he loved it so much, why did he write An Echo of Shadows under an assumed name? Put yourself in his position. By the 1990s, he was one of the country's most beloved comics. Publishing a novel about haunted gold would have destroyed his reputation.
And presumably angered everyone who didn't want him to stray from that whole "sexual mutilation and global apocalypse" direction. Well, yes. After all, sexual mutilation and global apocalypse really was Les Dawson's wheelhouse.
Do say: "'Will you be mine for ever?' she pleaded as she drew herself deep into my chest. 'Always, Treasure', I replied."
Don't say: "I call her Treasure, because she reminds me of something that's just been dug up."
